Day 97...good one...

Today was good. It wasn't the hardest workout of my life, but I still had a good workout. I'm struggling to come to grips with the fact that, as my new trainer, J said the other day, "it doesn't have to be an a-- whippin everytime to get benefit" from a workout. J gave me another good workout today. Now that I don't have my workouts written out for me on paper, I have to just try and remember or describe what I was told to do...the best I can. Forgive me...I don't know the correct names of the exercises.

Here's a rough idea of what we did:
I did 1 min of BALL SLAMS with a 12# medicine ball
then: 15 KTEs (knees to elbows)
1 min RENEGADE ROWS (20#-horizontal hold)
1 min SWISS BALL REV CRUNCH - hands on the floor, feet on ball pulling it in toward body)
1 min SEATED ROWS (40# in squat position hovering over the bench/not sitting)
1 min SM MED BALL IN & OUT OF LEGS (sitting in a "V" formation)
1 min FORWARD INDIVIDUAL ARM PRESS w cable in a deep lunge position (10# ???)
15(?) LAT PULLDOWNS (70# in a hovering squat position, rather than sitting on the bench)

We did 2 ROUNDS (I think) then went outside to throw the 12# MEDICINE BALL against the building (first underhanded for I think a minute, then overhand ONLY using my arms and shoulders-no knee bends or help from my legs-RATS!)

Then I did 100 LUNGES and 30 MIN OF INTERVALS ON THE ELLIPTICAL & 10 MIN ON THE UPRIGHT BIKE (HILLS)

Today was good. I will be out of town until Sunday, so no updates until then...

Day 96...a sore foot and a bike ride...

Today my foot is really sore from the injection I received on Monday. It seems worse. It feels like...there is something in there that I'm walking on. It's not unbearable...but uncomfortable. That really frustrates me. I went to the gym and just did a quick workout. It went pretty well...considering.

WORKOUT
45 MIN-HILLS PROG/RECUMBENT BIKE
150 SQUATS (JUST BODY WEIGHT)
50 STEP UPS ON BENCH (ALTERNATE 25 ON ONE LEG/25 ON THE OTHER)
STRETCH

Day 95...not right...

This morning nothing seemed right...from the moment I got to the gym...my foot was hurting where i got another injection yesterday...I was late...I felt weak; out of sorts. I HATE DAYS LIKE TODAY!!! I always leave wondering what I really accomplished. I've had these days before. Some days I have the giggles and I'm silly...other's I'm hurt or tired...other's I'm weak or just can't seem to get it together. I felt bad for J. He probably thinks I'm a freak. He's probably wondering what the hell happened. Good thing we are still in the "Honeymoon" phase or he probably would have gotten mad. I wanted to do better, I just couldn't. He told me not to do cardio, because of my foot hurting. I listened and now I really feel like I didn't do anything! I feel really frustrated and disappointed with myself.

SOME OF THE EXERCISES TODAY:
TRICEP PRESSES (FORWARD WITH PULLEY/EA ARM SEPERATE)10#
PLANK (FEET ON SWISS BALL/ARMS LOCKED OUT HOLDING BENCH OR FEET ON BENCH/HANDS ON BALL)
REVERSE CRUNCH
DIPS
LYING PRESS WITH 30# BAR
FLUTTER KICKS
SITUP WHILE PRESSING 25# STRAIGHT UP

(that's all I can think of now....)

Day 94...good old fashioned butt kickin...

It was great to workout today after 2 days off. It was a tough one, so it was probably good that I was well rested. I did 3 rounds of:



30 RENEGADE ROWS (20# DB not vertical on ground, but horizontal)
FARMER'S WALK AROUND ROOM (2 - 45# plates)
20 OVERHEAD PRESSES WITH 35# PLATE
FARMER'S WALK
25 KETTLEBELL SWINGS (25#)
PUSH PUNCHING/KICKING BAG ACROSS ROOM
DRAG WHOLE BODY FROM ONE SIDE TO THE OTHER WHILE FEET RESTING ON DISKS
20 BALL TOSS WITH 15# MEDICINE BALL
DRAG FROM ONE SIDE TO THE OTHER ON DISKS "CATERPILLAR" STYLE
15 LEG LIFTS AS HIGH AS POSSIBLE WHILE HANGING ON DIP
3 ROUNDS FOR TIME EACH TIME

This was a butt kicker! J and I did the last 2 rounds together. I improved my time...everytime!

THEN: ONE LEGGED DEADLIFT WITH 25# KETTLEBELL (12 EA LEG-3X)

THEN: 2 ROUNDS OF 15 SITUPS ON INCLINE BENCH HOLDING A 20LB WEIGHT STRAIGHT UP IN AIR

CARDIO:
30 MIN OF INTERVALS ON TREADMILL (3 MIN WALK 4.1 / 3 MIN RUN 8.6)

Today was hard, but I really enjoyed it. I was definitely tired when I got done...and that's a good thing.

Day 94...sUbMissiOn...

Submission...that's always been a hard thing for me. I could try to find a reason; an excuse as to why I hate to submit to the will of others, but it would be unproductive. The fact is...I hate to submit. It scares me. It makes me feel like a puppet on a string...a helpless puppet controlled by someone else. I have always resisted the will of others as far back as I can remember. I don't think I will ever become truly submissive, but I am learning that submitting does not always mean being controlled. Sometimes it means gaining control through another.

I think one of the most valuable lessons that I have learned from working with a personal trainer, is that sometimes I have to let go...I have to submit to the will of another...for my own good. I'm still learning...learning to trust...to sacrifice what I think...to allow others to help me. I have always felt like I don't need anyone...like I can do it myself...like I have to take care of myself because no one else will. The truth is I have never really allowed other people to take care of me...I resist. I resist because I'm afraid of being disappointed or hurt.

W taught me so much about letting go of the control. At first it bothered me; angered me even...then, I began to trust him...to let him help me...mold me. As I grew stronger...became better...I realized how important it was to submit to the process. I'm so grateful for that. It is a gift. I am learning again. I don't know J like I know W, but I DO believe that he sincerely wants to help me be...better; stronger. I have to let go of my fears and insecurities, so that changes can occur. As I learn to trust again...to submit to the will of another...again...I can only grow stronger . Tomorrow is the first day of a new week and I look forward to what it will bring.

NO WORKOUT OR CARDIO/ REST DAY

Day 93...NOT good...

Today was...NOT good...terrible. Anything that could happen, happened. I got up later than I wanted to. My kids were disobedient. We had to wait FOREVER to eat breakfast at IHOP while breaking up constant fights between our kids. My oldest child was so mouthy that we came home instead of going to the gym...etc...etc...etc. I feel better now, but earlier...I was pretty sad. I felt like the worst mom in the world. My kids don't mind me, and I yelled at Jake for spilling a whole container of Sunny D in the kitchen. I was mean because I was frustrated and the mess was just the last straw. It was an accident for Heaven's sake! I cleaned it up and apologized. I went to go get Sherbet for a church Christmas party and clothes for my child's choir concert. She refused to go with me to try stuff on...I didn't have any fight left in me. In fact, I felt slightly relieved to go off...alone. It seemed easier to buy a bunch of stuff and return what doesn't work later. It's after 10:30 and I NEVER got to workout. That makes me sad...really sad. It makes me feel fat and lazy. I've mentally obsessed about it ALL day. I look forward to Saturdays. I work really hard and feel good when I leave. Oh well, some days are like that...

Day 92...not so good at new...

Today I was nervous. I was worried...just plain full of fear and anticipation. My new trainer, J, asked me to go to a different gym and workout THERE with him...so that we could "check it out". I'm not giving up my membership at my regular gym. I could just be adding another one...one that I just workout with HIM at. I really don't care where I work out...I care more about the how and the who...the "Compound" was proof of that.

The thing is...I'm not confident. I get embarrassed really easily and I HATE to fail. I'm not good at "new" stuff. I'm a creature of habit. I enjoy doing things that I can do...well...perfect. I always come off as confident...cool as a cucumber, but it's all an act. It's the way I protect myself, so stepping outside of my comfort zone is...HARD...because it's work to ACT like everything is okay...when it doesn't FEEL okay. I know it's good for me so I agreed without mentioning all this stuff. I mean I barely know this guy...it's WAY too early for him to think I'm crazy!

I was nervous that he would have me climb the rope that they have hanging from the ceiling at this place. I haven't climbed a rope since 7th grade gym. It was humiliating then...memorable. I was sure it would be humiliating now. Well. maybe not...I'm stronger now. I got there 5 min late and he was there waiting for me. I warmed up by jump roping and then it happened. He told me to climb the rope. He showed me how. I tried. He showed me how AGAIN. I tried again. I couldn't do it. I smiled and giggled, but I wanted to run away...to leave. I felt embarrassed and deflated. He was really nice to me, but I know he was frustrated and disappointed...he HAD to be...it was a PATHETIC display! Then he wanted me to kick the fake rubber man. Good grief! How much worse can this get?!? I know I looked pathetic...he laughed and gave me pointers...I listened and I tried, but I was awkward and it was unnatural. We moved on to other more familiar "moves" and I started to feel better. I had some "balance issues" using the Swiss Ball, but that was okay...that didn't make me feel like a loser...like the rope did. I took my kettlebells and we had some fun with those...finally!...something I could do better than J, at least for one day anyway.

All in all it was a good workout and I felt good when I left. I'm not crazy about the location, but the who and how was pretty good. I was thankful that J didn't outwardly show utter disgust at my inability to complete many of the exercises. He was patient and nice. I don't know why, but I feel very comfortable with him. I didn't think I would when I first spoke to him on the phone.

In the end, I was reminded that some things in life change. Ugly ducklings can turn into swans. Fat girls can lose weight. Weaknesses can become strengths. Unfortunately, other things in life seem to remain constant...like my fear of the unknown; of failure. I was reminded once again that I'm not so good at new stuff, but I survived anyway and walked out satisfied and happy in spite of it.

Day 91...here we go again!...

Well this morning has been busy. I only had time for cardio this morning, because I had to go to my 3rd graders spelling bee. She did great! She finished in the top 3, will get a trophy, and she'll go to the district spelling bee in January. Now, I'm off for yet ANOTHER shot in my foot. I'm really over it...I'm over the shots but mostly...I'm over my foot hurting...especially when I run. I gotta go...I'm determined to be on time today!

CARDIO
10 MIN RUN 8.0 TREADMILL
35 MIN CROSSTRAINER (6)
TOTAL=45 MIN

POSTSCRIPT- I don't know what happened, but I got to the doctor...ON TIME FOR ONCE... and the office was locked up...noone there. UGH! I musta gone on the wrong day. I've been going for a couple of months...every other Thursday, so I didn't even bother to check. All that anticipation for NOTHIN!

Day 90...my Achilles heel...

I thought that my ABS were my Achilles heel, but today I found a new one...my triceps. I have felt for sometime now that my triceps were weak. I haven't gotten them back post surgery. I do exercises here and there, but no improvement. It wasn't until today that I learned just how weak they really are. It was borderline embarrassing!

I had a GREAT training session today. I brought my medicine ball and did medicine ball slams. Then, J and I threw it to each other in different ways for 10 minutes. I did jumping pullups with a slow 3 count on the down. I did jumping lunge skater things. This showed him how uncoordinated I am...I couldn't hide it forever! Then we did weights. I went to do some tricep work...granted it was an exercise I had never done, but I couldn't press even 15# forward...especially on my right arm. I think J and I BOTH were surprised by this sad discovery. He's gonna whip me into shape though. I know it. For cardio, I did 20 min on the elliptical...then 15 minutes on the upright bike (hills program)...then 10 min of fast walking on the treadmill at the highest incline. I had to mix it up, because I was feeling bored and indecisive.

Today wasn't super hard, but I WAS challenged. It was a perfect mix of varying exercises and also a happy medium between being hard enough but not too hard. All in all....talking...working out...cardio...and stretching, I was in the gym for right at 2 hours. I really enjoyed today.

Day 89..."resting" rUn...

Today I'm "resting" so I just ran. Here's the stats...
RUN ON TREADMILL
TIME = 61 MIN (WALK 1ST AND LAST MIN TO WARMUP & COOLDOWN)
CALORIES BURNED = 771
MILES = 7.51


It's weird that I will "rest" from weights when I'm working with a trainer. It's like I feel...safe. It's like they are now in charge of my body and I can relax and do as I'm told...so weird.

Day 88...hUmbLeD...

Today I was sufficiently humbled. I thought I was tough...that I knew better...more. I was wrong. I was taken to school. I did horrible mountain climbers bringing my knees all the way up to my elbows for 2 minutes without stopping...I did hamstring curls until I had to struggle with everything I had to bring the bar ALMOST all the way up...I did diamond pushups...flutterkicks...and much more until I had a splitting headache and didn't think I could move another inch. It was hard and a little frustrating, but it was great. It was just what I needed. I had gotten a little "too big for my britches"...a little too cocky. I wasn't submitting and allowing myself to be coached. That ended today. My workout was awesome. It reminded me that there is always room for improvement...always goals to work towards. My new trainer, J did a great job today. He put me in my place...and I LOVED it!

Day 87...i tHiNk...i'M thAnKFuL...

Sometimes, it's hard to know what to write...especially on Sundays...my "rest" day. It seems that if I can't come up with something great...something thought provoking or brilliant...I should just...not write anything at all. Unfortunately, if that were the case...I'd never write, so here goes what I have... I'm human. I have good days and bad days. I try to be positive (TRY being the key word in that sentence), but it doesn't always come out that way. I try to be thankful, but somedays...that can be a real job. As I thought about what to write today, yes...it may not appear so, but I do actually think about it...I was thinking that it's cold and I'm sore and I want to be thankful...and I am...I'm just not sure exactly what for specifically.

As I thought and wrestled with those thoughts, I was reminded of a quote. Buddha once said, "Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn't learn alot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn't learn a little, at least we didn't get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn't die; so, let us be thankful." So, being humbled by those words, I can say this...I am sore, but I am satisfied. I am satisfied because I know that I am doing all I can to be in great physical shape...to strengthen my body and to "perfect my soul". I am hurting, but I am hopeful...and with that hope comes happiness...happiness because I have overcome my perceived limitations and the fear that accompanies them and hope because I never want to lose the desire for more...hope that I will continue to knock down the walls that keep me from reaching my true potential...hope that there is more for me. I am cold, but I am careful...careful to give thanks for the simplest of blessings...a warm house...a comfortable bed...food in my belly. These things seem like a given, but they are not for so many...not for the man on the street tonight...cold and hungry.

We can always be thankful...as long as we can draw breath...because as long as we are breathing...we are alive. Thanks, Buddha.....

NO WORKOUT OR CARDIO/ REST DAY

DAY 86...sORe...

Today my shoulders and upper back are a little tight...sore, but it is up underneath my armpits and on my chest that I am especially sore and tender. It's Saturday, so I was on my own...well not exactly...I had my book of workouts...just no trainer...at least not right there physically. I came in...and just did it...but not without a little struggle. I felt kinda off though...kinda out of sync...like I could never get into the zone or find a rhythm. I felt awkward and even a little weak. Maybe I'm just tired. It's so different working WITH someone...especially someone that I'm not used to yet. It definitely makes a difference when someone is there to push or to tell you to do things you don't want to do or wouldn't normally do on your own. I left off the first 2 exercises on the list, because they were pullups and pushups...both of which I did alot of yesterday and previously this week. I added some bicep curls and follwed the rest as written. I felt like I was clawing my way through...and completing the exercises...but not well. I guess some days are like that. If it was always easy and fulfilling; never bad or especially hard...I probably wouldn't enjoy the good days...the days when I even surprise myself with what I can do. Those days are few and far between, but I LOVE those days.

WEEK 12 / DAY 6
5 MIN WARM UP (3 MIN CROSSTRAINER/ 2 MIN JUMPING JACKS)
20 BICEP CURLS 15#DBs
30 PUSH PRESS 40# BAR
40 RDL 50#
50 SITUPS
60 SEATED ROWS 55#
70 SUMO DEADLIFT HIGHPULLS 25#
80 AIR SQUATS
90 FROGGIES
100 LUNGES
(ABOUT 40-45 MIN)...forgot to time exactly
CARDIO
WALK/RUN TREADMILL-ALTERNATING SPEEDS AND INCLINES (40 MIN)

TOTAL TIME=ABOUT 1 HR 30 MIN

Day 85...gEttiNg bAcK iN tHe rINg...

Today was my first official day as a paying customer with a new personal trainer. It's so ridiculous how strange and hard this has been to move forward...to let go...stop clinging so tightly to what I had. Like I've said before...I don't JUST let people in...it takes time and work to get into my proverbial "circle of trust"...but once you're in...I'm attached and then I don't want the circle to be broken. Sometimes this is more true with certain people than with others. I am reminding myself that letting go does NOT mean forgetting or being forgotten...it's not an end...it's a change...and change is good if you let it be.

It's fun to throw balls...have someone to "spot" me...go outside and run behind the building. I just love working out...sweating...pushing. I feel happy and free. I feel like I am accomplishing something. So, I can't really list what we did like I normally do, but I'll do my best to describe it...First, I did a circuit with 20 JUMPING PULLUPS with a pause at the top, 12 DIPS not on a bench but hanging from the machine I do the pullups on, 15 PUSHUPS with my hands on the foot pads of that same machine and my feet up on a "Swiss Ball" as W calls it...to me, it's just "THE BALL", then I did 10 STAR JUMPS holding 2.5 lb plates in each hand...starting in a squat position close to floor...then jumping almost in a jumping jack form you explode up and bring your legs apart and your hands together, last on this circuit was 30 VARIATIONS OF A RENEGADE ROW. In a pushup position grasping two 5# weights, you bring arms straight out (one at a time) and reach with the weight towards the ceiling looking towards the weight and then back down...alternating arms at a quick pace. We did this 3 X and in between each set, we went out to the parking lot and ran around. First time was around the building backwards and forwards. Second time was zig zagging up and down this grassy hill by the parking lot. Third time was throwing a 10# MEDICINE BALL up hill...run and get it...throw again and then throwing the medicine ball to each other...throw, catch, squat (goblet squat style) and throw back to partner. That last time we layed in the parking lot and did some ISOMETRIC HOLDS in a pushup position...halfway down...all the way down...it sucked...which is GOOD! Then we did a bunch of horrible ABS work... (My Achilles heel!)...stuff like flutter kicks etc...all the stuff I hate but I NEED. Then, we went inside for 20 SITUPS on the incline bench (SET UP ALL THE WAY UP!) with him throwing me a 15# MEDICINE BALL at the top, me going down holding it close to my chest and coming back up and throwing it back to him. When my workout was over, I did 35 minutes of CARDIO on the ELLIPTICAL, stretched and went home. I was there for over 2 hours including time not spent with my trainer, but there was a lot of time spent talking and paying etc so it's hard to judge time.

I had a great time. I was pushed and I sweat like crazy. I enjoyed mixing things up, but it is still a familiar style of working out so that's comforting I guess. I'm glad I decided to stop looking at yesterday and move towards tomorrow...I'm glad that I found the courage to step back in the ring.

Day 84...uneventful...

Today was pretty uneventful. I wanted to start working with J today, but he had an interview and couldn't train me this morning. That was a bummer, but I got my book out and turned to today. Then I went to the gym and did it. I got a slow start because Mr. C was busy telling me about his bodyguard services and what an expert he is at shooting his gun...YAWN. I was on the crosstrainer about to get started and he was holding the handle so I couldn't even workout while he yammered on. I just had to stand there...clock ticking...trying to be polite. He told me how he has pictures of himself on the back of his bodyguard resume..."one in a tuxedo...one in a suit...one in casual wear...and one in sports wear"...and how he ALWAYS gets the job because he "looks good and always looks the part". Oh dear...can you say...delusional? Anyway, once I was free from that crazy, one-sided conversation...I got started. I didn't do anything extra...just what was written and cardio. It wasn't hard...at all. Tomorrow, I work with J again. I wonder how it will go the 2nd time??? I hope it goes as well as Tuesday did.

WEEK 12/ DAY 4
5 MIN WARMUP
50 SITUPS
50 BACK EXTENSIONS
RUN 1 MILE
50 BACK EXTENSIONS
CARDIO
30 MIN RECUMBENT BIKE
5 MIN STRETCH

Day 83...resting...sort of...

Today I am "resting" from weight lifting...funny I don't feel rested at all. In fact, I practically crawled out of the gym. I decided JUST to run...that's it. So what do I do?...Do I run for 3 miles?...Do I run at an easy, but brisk pace?...NO! OF COURSE NOT! I ran for an hour...pretty fast..for 7 miles! When I got home, my chin and the sides of my face looked white from the salt from my sweat. EWWW! I feel really sore and really tired. I didn't think I'd be sore after my workout with J yesterday, but I was wrong. I'm not incapacitated sore...but I'm definitely..."aware" of certain muscle groups. So I was exhausted when I got done, but I was proud that I didn't stop when I wanted to and finished what I set out to do.

RUN ON TREADMILL
-------------------------
7.32 MILES - (AVG PACE 8:11)
TIME = 1 HR 2 SEC
CALORIES BURNED = 715

Day 82...first day with a new trainer...

Well, I did it...I made the call...I kept the appointment. I worked out with a new trainer today. I honestly thought this day would never come. I guess in all reality I KNEW it would...I just secretly hoped it wouldn't. I hoped my friend would return...that he would go serve and return...that he would WANT to train me as much as I want him to train me...but he says he won't be back. He says if he does come back...he won't train. I understand and I am okay. Sooooo, what's a girl to do??? This girl is starting fresh...starting again. I still treasure the time I had and eventhough he's done training me...W is still my friend. It's just that I can't live in the past anymore...I can't live my life in limbo...I can't wait for something that will never come. Relationships change; evolve...it can be a good thing if we "roll" with it and embrace the change. I'm not good at the whole changing..."rolling" thing, but I'm working hard at it. This was the first big step I needed to take.

I got to the gym a little anxious. "Will he think I'm a clutzy weirdo?" "What if I can't do what he tells me to do?" "Will I like him?" "Will it be weird or uncomfortable?" These were my thoughts as I drove to the gym. It was none of that. It was good...fun...not at all uncomfortable. Sure it was different, but it was more familiar than I expected. This new trainer, J, had BIG shoes to fill and he did alright. I'm not sure that he knows how to test body fat...actually, I'm sure he does, but their equipment was messed up and I think it was making him nervous...but the rest of the session was good.

At first, I wasn't sure if it would be hard enough...and along the way, I would say..."I need a heavier or lighter weight...or I think I can go a minute instead of 30 sec...or I think I can do a pushup in the middle...etc." But, those times were really few and far between. I did some interesting stuff and some stuff that I was scared to do...like box jumps on the tallest platform. I was definitely sweating and breathing heavy. By the time we struggled to test my body fat...worked out...and talked about scheduling...we had been there 2 hours! When I got to the crosstrainer for cardio, and started to propel myself forward, I felt the first twinge. My biceps...lower back...even my QUADS (whoa!)...felt tired and were beginning to feel sore. I don't get sore much anymore, so that was a welcomed feeling. That's how I know I worked hard. It was tough today...much TOUGHER than I expected. I was pleasantly surprised. Today was good...like old times...but with a new person. I still miss W, but this was a nice change. It was different, but still good.

Day 81...conquering...ONE squat at a time...

Today was a day of squats. I don't usually struggle TOO bad with squats. I mean doing 150 at once is always a challenge, but today it seemed harder than usual. On my second set of 150...I thought..for a brief moment...about stopping...changing course. I didn't and I managed to get through 300 squats...sometimes 30 at a time...sometimes I had to take them one at a time. The important part is I completed what I started. It's like life. Sometimes, it seems like it would be easier to stop the ride and get off. Sometimes I feel like I'm fighting an uphill battle...almost like I'm climbing a ladder with no end in sight, but I know that if I keep looking up and keep moving forward one step at a time...I WILL conquer the challenges I face everyday.

WEEK 12/ DAY 1
5 MIN WARMUP CROSSTRAINER
150 SQUATS
RUN .5 MILES (8.5 TREADMILL)
150 SQUATS
(15 MIN)

I ADDED SOME ARMS...
15 DB FLYS 8#
20 BICEP CURLS W/20# BAR
20 DIPS
20 FRONT SHOULDER RAISES (HOLDING 2-10# PLATES)
3 ROUNDS
(15 MIN)

CARDIO
15 MIN ON ELLIPTICAL
25 MIN TREADMILL WALKING (ALTERNATING 5 MIN WALK FLAT @ 4.6 & 5 MIN WALK AT HIGHEST INCLINE @4.4)
5 MIN STRETCH
TOTAL TIME = 1 HR 20 MIN

Day 80...resting and wrapping and thinking...

Today is Sunday...my rest day. Everyone...friends...family...personal trainers tell me I should rest more...that I workout too much, but I can't seem to allow myself to do that. Sunday is the only day I rest. Church was short today, so we got home earlier. I was relaxing in my room...thinking...worrying...so I decided to start wrapping Christmas presents. I got most of the presents I've purchased wrapped. That was a relief, but I still have many more to buy. I want to get finished this week. For once, I want to be able to sit back and enjoy the season. I'm going to work hard this week, so that I can rest and enjoy and reflect upon the real reason we celebrate this season and what it means to me.

NO WORKOUT OR CARDIO/ REST DAY

Day 79...wOrN OuT...

I am worn out as I write this. My eyes are heavy and my muscles are not sore, but they are definitely tired. I want to get in bed, but I won't. It's overcast and cool and damp, and it's kinda dark in my house. The fighting has subsided between my kids and it's quiet. These factors add to the feeling of fatigue I'm experiencing, but I think my workout this morning is the real cause.

I LOVE to take a "beating" when I'm working out. I really do. It's the only way I feel a sense of accomplishment afterwards. Weird? Yes. Sick? Probably. The only problem is that somedays when I work that hard, I feel worn out for the rest of the day. I feel like "I left it all on the table" so to speak and I have no more. I never regret that because I'm committed and know that that means I truly gave it my all...that I didn't cheat or cut corners. I've had fun working out alongside my husband the last couple of Saturdays. He's not a hardcore maniac like me, so I recognize that it is a real struggle and sacrifice for him to join in the abuse. I don't know if he knows how much I enjoy and appreciate it.

Today's workout took a long time to complete. Once again I forgot to look at the clock when I started...so frustrating that I keep doing that. I'm guessing it took 45 min. It was a deceiving workout on paper. I thought it would be a breeze...short...but it was challenging...and long. I truly enjoyed it though. It was worth feeling worn out afterwards, because I also feel strong and committed and proud.

WEEK 11/ DAY 6
5 MIN WARM UP ON CROSSTRAINER
SHOULDER PRESS 15#
DB BICEP CURL 15#
TRICEP PRESSDOWN 20 #
PUSHUPS
SEATED ROWS 55#
LEG EXTENSION 30#
LEG CURL 50#
CALF LIFT 70#
21, 18, 15, 12, 9

CARDIO
35 MIN ON ELLIPTICAL (NO HANDS) DOING INTERVALS
5 MIN STRETCH
TOTAL TIME= ???...ALOT!

Day 78...busy...busy...BUSY...

Well, another 6 weeks has gone by and it was time for another 3rd grade awards ceremony. That means rushing to the school for an 8:15AM ceremony...after getting 3 kids to 2 schools...smiling and clapping....running to workout when it's done...and back to the school by 11 for the special picnic lunch for kids with good conduct. I promised myself I wouldn't complain...so I didn't...at least not out loud. It was stressful and I felt like I was "behind the eight ball" from the start. My oldest was being a super mouthy preteen. I was mean and still feel bad. My middle was slow and I had to get on to her when we went to get in the car and she was "shoe-less". My youngest, my little boy, got out of the car...smiling..."happy to love Jesus" as my friend says...not a care in the world...and NO BACKPACK either! Did I mention we were already running late?!? That's ALWAYS a given. I got the kids delivered...2 with backpacks...one without, went home for the backpack, went to the school and ran the backpack to my son, before running to the cafeteria for the ceremony. I made it on time and good thing too. Syd was the 1st child to be called for an award. Phew! One thing I didn't screw up today! It was a LONG program because they performed with homemade instruments. When they were done, I dashed to the gym, had a quick but good workout, sped to Chick Fil A for a "pic nic" lunch, and arrived 5 min late for the lunch. Luckily I wasn't the only one...several other parents came at the same time. So the morning was a blur, but I'm glad that I stuck with the plan and got to workout...even if it was shorter than I wanted...and a tough task to do!

WEEK 11/ DAY 5
5 MIN WARMUP
10 X PULLUPS (JUMPING)
20 X PUSHUPS
30 X SQUATS
40 X SITUPS
30 X SQUATS
20 X PUSHUPS
10 X PULLUPS (JUMPING)
(duh!!! forgot to time...but it was quick!)
CARDIO
RUN/WALK INTERVALS- 3 MIN EA (8.5/4.2)- WALK @ 4.5 FOR LAST 4 MIN-(40 MIN)
QUICK STRETCH

Songs that got me through today.....



All by LCD SOUNDSYSTEMS
"Give It Up"
"North American Scum"
"Daft Punk Is Playing At My House"

Day 77...another workout...another day in heels...another shot in the foot...

I have another appointment with the foot doctor. I have to say I'm a little sick of being shot in the foot. But on a positive note...I can at least wear high heels again. It hurts pretty bad after a while, but at least it's not like the end of the summer when I could only stand thick, cushy flip flops...and even those hurt at the end of the day. I just hope when it's all said and done...my foot stops hurting.

I'm really tired...physically and mentally. I didn't go to sleep until almost 3AM. I had alot on my mind. I hope I do okay at the gym...I guess we'll see.

Okay..so I went to the gym in a hurry...as always when I have an appt. I feel so tired. I think my body is forcing me to slow down...I dunno...but I was lacking desire today...and it's hard to work out like I do with no desire. I just warmed up with 2 min of jump roping and 2 min of jumping jacks. Then I did 150 SQUATS, some random weights (TRICEP PULLDOWN...BICEP CURLS...SEATED ROWS...LEG PRESS....)...that's all that comes to mind at the moment. I barely got any cardio in because I talked to William for about 10 min. He used to train with W. He's is such a genuinely nice person. I really like him, so the interruption didn't bother me. I wanted to do more...but I did what I could...and was still late for my Dr appt...AGAIN!

Day 76...run, run, run, as fast as you can...

Today I ran....that's it. Weird, huh? I ran for 40 minutes...actually I walked for the first 2...ran 3.1 miles in the next 24 minutes...and walked the last 4 min to cool off. I ran at 8.1 on the treadmill...just me and 5 men doing random acts of "cardio"...all senior citizens...it was not exciting, but I did it and left. I feel tired and broken down and that's all I wanted to do.

Days 72...73...74...75...sooo behind

Well, once again, I have let myself get behind. I don't know if it's the time of year or what...I've just been off. I want to go to bed, but I hate feeling like I have unfinished business...so I'll try to give a quick update and try to be more on track in the future.

DAY 72...WEEK 10/DAY 6...SATURDAY...

That was a fun one! I asked P to work out with me...side by side...following W's workout. It was harder for him than I expected...NOT because he's not in good shape...because this "style" of working out takes getting used to. It's very strenuous and frankly...it's not for everyone....everyone CAN do it...but not many WANT to. It hurts and it's tiring. He was great. I finished quicker and wasn't sore, but that's only because I do this EVERY day. I don't know about him, but I had fun. Like Mark Twight says, "It doesn't have to be fun to be fun!"

WORKOUT
20 X DEADLIFT 55#
20 X BURPEES
20 X MED BALL SLAM 10#
20 X KB SWING 25# (PAUL USED 35# KB)
20 X SITUPS
20 X SUMO DEADLIFT HIGHPULL W/ 25# KB (PAUL USED 45# DB)
FARMER'S WALK (2) 30# DB
3 ROUNDS

CARDIO
30 MIN RUN (EASY 7.0) ON TREADMILL

DAY 73...SUNDAY...REST...AHHHH! =)

DAY 74...WEEK 11/DAY 1...MONDAY

That was a good workout and a bit of a bittersweet day. I decided to "explore" the idea of hiring a new trainer. I talked to W and he says he's never coming back...at least not for a long time...and never to train =( There's only one trainer that I would consider at my gym, so I e-mailed him and he called me and we met before I worked out that morning. He was very nice, but it was weird. I think he was impressed by my "book" from W and my current workout. It was eye opening in a way. This guy has a great body and I have been so impressed when I've seen him personally workout. I guess I expected some expert...he wasn't...nobody is really. I guess some times we expect professionals to be super human and all knowing, but that's not fair...we are all just mortals. He didn't know what some of the exercises I have been doing are...so I demonstrated and explained. It's not that he doesn't know exercises..it's that some of these are a bit obscure...unorthodox even. I don't think he knows what a kettlebell is and was interested and perplexed by mine that I brought in. He will take me through a workout next Monday and then we'll see. He may surprise me. I think he's wondering why I want a trainer. I explained that I NEED a challenge and change ever so often. W just did that for me...I didn't have to ask or worry...He always knew when it was time to change or "up the ante". I'll give this guy a chance, but I worry that it will never be fair. He can't live up to my friend...my teacher and coach...NOT because he's incapable...he's good...it's because I'm afraid that I will compare him and never give him a real chance. W has no idea how talented he really is. I do...but he doesn't...not really. I don't want anyone else, but I have to continue to progress and I think (hope) that this new guy and I will get along just fine. It's odd...spending so much one on one time...in a fun, painful, frustrating, exhilarating and fulfilling situation. It really can bring people close. W is my friend. I wish he were here to train me, but he is doing what he needs to do...what is making him happy...so I'm trying to live in the present and not think about what was or could be. I believe there are no coincidences in life...what happens is meant to happen. I'm just lucky that eventhough I've lost the best trainer EVER...I still have a friend. I DO miss the laughter though...so much. So anyway, my workout was great. I added a bunch of stuff and nearly killed myself, but I felt good. I'm a sicko!

WORKOUT
5 MIN WARMUP ON CROSSTRAINER
RDL 60#
BOX JUMP
KB SWING 25#
21, 18, 15, 12, 9, 6, 3
(16 MIN)

THEN I ADDED...
SITUPS ON THE INCLINE BENCH ALL THE WAY UP-15 REPS
SHOULDER PRESS 15#-15 REPS
CABLE- SHOULDER PRESS FORWARD (SORRY DON'T KNOW THE NAME) 15#- 15 REPS EA ARM
LEGLIFT LYING ON THE BENCH - 30 SEC W/O STOP EA LEG
BICEP BAR CURL 10# - 25 REPS
RUN (8.5 TREADMILL)
3 ROUNDS
(ABOUT 30 MIN)

CARDIO
UPRIGHT BIKE 10 MIN (LOW RESISTANCE/FAST SPEED)
WALK AT HIGHEST INCLINE (15 DEGREES) AT 4.5 SPEED ON TREADMILL FOR 35 MIN
5 MIN STRETCH
TOTAL TIME= ABOUT 1 HR 40 MIN

Day 75...WEEK 11...DAY 2...TUESDAY...TODAY

Today was good. My hamstrings are sore from those RDLs yesterday and my knees are bothering me...of course, this did not slow me down. What did slow me down, was another trainer, R. Bless his heart! He wants to impress me and...he can't. He came to tell me that he has found the "ultimate workout". "Oh great!" I said, "What is it?" He then asks if I've ever heard of the movie "300". I said I had and told him I was familiar with the workout and spewed about Mark Twight's "greatness" and told him to check out the "Gym Jones" site. I think I burst his bubble, but I couldn't lie. He followed me and wanted to "assist" me with my pullups. I love having someone...anyone...to help me...it does make a difference when you are doing the work with help rather than modifying the exercise...but he wanted me to start doing pulldowns and say what I NEED to do to be able to do pullups etc...what he would do "if he were my trainer"....It felt like he was lobbying for my business and it makes me feel bad, because as nice as he is...he's not capable of training me in the way I need to be trained. I'm hard to handle and it takes the right person. I think this was spurred by my meeting with J yesterday. COMPETITION! Spare me! So, after he quit following me and "helping" me...I got done pretty quick. I was not able to time my workout, due to the distraction. Again...great workout...great day!

WORKOUT
5 MIN WARM UP CROSSTRAINER
20 X BALL TOSS
20 X MED BALL SLAM 10#
20 BOX JUMPS
20 THRUSTERS 55# (HARD TO FINISH W/ HURTING KNEES)
20 PULLUPS (ASSISTED AT FEET)
20 BACK EXTENSIONS HOLDING 10#
20 SITUPS
RUN .25 MILES (8.5 TREADMILL)
3 ROUNDS

CARDIO
30 MIN CROSSTRAINER
5 MIN STRETCH

Day 71...tImE tO wOrK oFF tHAt pIe!...

Today is not a day to slack off or be lazy! Today is a day to focus...to work hard...to do what it takes to try and in some way make up for the damage I did at the dinner table yesterday! Going into this season is tough. I love sugar and it's hard to avoid at this time of year. Things that I do not keep in my home, bombard me regularly. It is hard not to gain weight, but I have to do my best to avoid it!

Today was good. I forgot my ipod so I was bummed, but it wasn't as bad as I expected. I was just fine. I worked hard and I was glad to be back on track!

WEEK 10 / DAY 5
5 MIN WARMUP CROSSTRAINER
20 X BOX JUMP
20 X BALL TOSS W/ 10# MEDICINE BALL
20 X PULLDOWNS 70#
20 X SITUPS
20 X PULLUPS (JUMPING)
20 X OVERHEAD LUNGE
20 X THRUSTERS 45#
RUN .25 MILES (8.5 TREADMILL)
(42 MIN)

ADDED
BICEP CABLE CURLS W BAR ON "BIG GREY MONSTER" 10# 20 REPS-3X
SINGLE ARM TRICEP PRESS WITH 10# DB 15 REPS EACH ARM-3X
(ABOUT 5 MIN)

CARDIO
45 MIN RUN (7.0 TREADMILL)
5 MIN STRETCH
TOTAL TIME= 1 HR 42 MIN

Day 70...Thanksgiving day...

Today is Thanksgiving, and I feel like I'm the stuffed turkey. Dinner was delicious and all the pie I've eaten so far was even better. I feel bad for not feeling...bad. I expected to hate myself for over indulging, but I don't...now...I hope I don't later. I tried to run or at least do my elliptical this morning, but time would not allow. I got in a whole 7 minutes on the elliptical before I had to put the green bean casserole in the oven, get ready to leave, and grab my pies on my way out the door. I felt very frustrated about my inability to get some good cardio in before I left to stuff myself, but I got over it. So even though I wanted to workout this morning and still hold out hope for later (never gonna happen)...and eventhough I ate way too many slices of pie...these are a few of the things I'm thankful for:

I'm thankful for my health...for a competent mind (most of the time) and a strong body. I'm thankful for my family...dysfunctional or not, they belong to me and I belong to them. I'm thankful to be a Mom...to kiss boo-boos...to cook dinners...to be on the receiving end of precious hugs and kisses...to tuck in my kids and see those "halos" that magically appear over their heads as they sleep each night...no matter how bad they were during the day. I'm thankful for friends...those very few throughout my life that have taken the time to see past the exterior facade and discover the real me...those that have touched my life and left me better. I'm thankful for all the simple comforts that I take for granted everyday...a warm bed...a comfortable home...food on my table. I'm especially thankful for my Father in Heaven...for the ability I have to pray...for the comfort and the direction this gives my life. I am truly blessed and thankful for all these things and more.

Day 69...a good day at the gym...

Well, this morning was crazy! The kids are out of school and I promised to take then to IHOP before going to the gym. Everything started out fine and then got a little crazy. I was not getting much cooperation so we got a later start then I planned. We did get breakfast and get to the gym after much effort. I was a little frazzled, but once I started my workout...I was fine. It was a great workout and I enjoyed it. My morning got worse after my workout...but I have to say that the hour and 45 minutes I spent in the gym were the highlight of my morning. Today was a good day at the gym!



WEEK 10/ DAY 3

5 MIN WARM UP ON CROSSTRAINER
20 X OVERHEAD LUNGE
20 X PUSHUPS
20 X DB ROW 20#
20 X STEP UPS ON BENCH
20 X SITUPS (INCLINE BENCH)
20 X SUMO DEADLIFT HIGHPULLS 35#
RUN .25 MILES (8.5 MPH)
3 ROUNDS (33 MIN)

ADDED SOME ARMS...
20 BICEP CURLS WITH 20# BAR (3 SETS)
20 TRICEP PULLDOWNS 15# (3 SETS)
15 DB FLYS 5# (3 SETS)
15 ALTERNATING DB CURLS 12# (3 SETS)
(15 MIN)

CARDIO
30 MIN WALK / RUN INTERVALS-2 MIN RUN (8.5) / 3 MIN WALK (4.2) ON TREADMILL
5 MIN STRETCH

TOTAL TIME = APPROX 1 1/2 HR

Days 65-66-67-68...chillin out...catching my breath...and starting again...refreshed

Ok...I usually never miss a day, but I took a few days off, so now I'll try to play "catch up" as best I can. As you could tell by my last post, I was feeling pretty beat down and frustrated. I needed to stop and catch my breath...and in case you are wondering...or care...I'm not a crazy maniac with an eating disorder. I'm not a depressed freak lying in bed crying. And...as hard as it is to believe, I'm not Bipolar. I'm just a girl that is incredibly hard on herself. I set myself up for failure, because it's impossible to live up to the expectations I have for myself. I just had to decompress...put away the book...and try to move forward.

DAY 65-
WEEK 9/DAY 6
That was Saturday. I did a short, easy 30 minutes total body workout. I can't remember the exact exercises, but they were all weight related. I then did 30 minutes on the elliptical...showered and left with my family. I kept waiting to feel bad, because I didn't work out for 2 hours, but I really was OK. I had busy day out with my girls and a fun night out with my sisters...I guess I was distracted...which is not a bad thing sometimes. TOTAL TIME = 1hour

DAY 66-
WEEK 10/DAY 1
Sunday...my rest day

DAY 67-
WEEK 10/DAY 2
This was yesterday...Monday. I had a lady at church ask if I wanted to come walk, jog, and do a few exercises with her and a couple of other ladies. I'll admit, I was LESS than excited to go. I even planned to go to the gym afterwards, because I am in much better physical condition and I was sure it would be a waste. I felt like it would be rude to say "no" and afterall, I HAVE been lonely and figured..."What do I have to lose but time?". It was funny. I wasn't exhausted or worked to my full potential, but it was a nice change of pace. It was nice to have someone to talk to. I taught them a few new things they can do when they stop along their path and do exercises every now and then along the way. It was funny too...we were gone for 2hours...walked/ran a little over 5 miles...did step ups on benches...pushups...jumproping...squats...and even burpees. I felt no need to go to the gym after and I have to admit, I enjoyed myself. TOTAL TIME= about 2 hr 15min including stretching

DAY 68...today (MONDAY)
WEEK 10/DAY 3

I am happy! I had a GREAT workout today! I did the workout that I should've done yesterday. The workouts I have this week are among my favorites in the book. They push me and work me. I love throwing running into the end each round. I always feel like I got a great workout and feel a sense of accomplishment...I feel strong afterwards. I added some ABS to the end after my cardio. I guess taking a step back is what I needed...

5 MIN WARM UP ON CROSSTRAINER
20 MEDICINE BALL SLAMS 10#
20 DB SWINGS 30#
20 BOX JUMPS
20 PUSH PRESS 20# DBs
20 SQUATS 45#
20 BURPEES
RUN .25 MILES @ MAX SPEED (8.6 TREADMILL)
REPEAT FOR A TOTAL OF 3 ROUNDS
(35 MIN)

ABS=3 ROUNDS OF 15 SITUPS ON INCLINE BENCH (4 HOLES), 2 ROUNDS OF 25 FROGGIES, 1 ROUND OF 30 DECLINE SITUPS. I ALSO DID FRONT PLANK AND BOTH SIDES FOR 1 MIN EACH AND THEN I WAS TOO TIRED TO DO ANYMORE (ABOUT 10 MIN)

CARDIO
35 MIN ON ELLIPTICAL (RESISTANCE 10/CROSSTRAINER PROG)
5 MIN STRETCH
TOTAL TIME = APPROX. 1 HR 3O MIN

Day 64...fReE foRaLL...

Today I didn't follow the plan. Today was an all out free forall workout. Today I let my own fears and worries override what I've been told to do. The only saving grace is that I don't think W has much desire or time to read this regularly...he is busy doing what he left to do as he should be...so maybe he won't know. I wasn't trying to ignore his instruction or disagree with him, it's just that it felt too easy when I got started, and then...the self doubt...the fear...and the insults began to well up inside me. I wanted it to be hard...to punish me...to hurt...in hopes that I would somehow feel better afterwards.

I was FAT before. I was FAT and sad and uncomfortable and miserable and I hated myself for it. I worked so hard to change, but sometimes, maintaining something is harder than the push to achieve it. It's hard because when I was losing weight, I was happy to do what it took to lose weight...I was miserable so giving things up was not as hard. I didn't feel deprived. I felt more in control...more powerful and satisfied. I didn't know where I would end up...I never had a specific number. I just wanted to be smaller...healthier...less winded at the top of my stairs. I didn't place so much emphasis on the size of my clothes, because it didn't matter if I was a 14 or an 8 or whatever...it's all smaller than a size 18...which is what size I wore when I started the journey.

I ended up at a surprising size 2/4. I still can't believe I've made it so far some days. Everyday when I put the first leg in my jeans and start to slide them on, I literally pause and worry "what if...."..."what if they are tighter?"..."what if I can't pull them up?"..."what if I am getting fat again?" I KNOW it's crazy. I KNOW it's stupid. I KNOW it's unhealthy...sick even...but it's the way I feel...everyday. It's gotten really bad since W has been gone. He was constantly changing my workout and challenging me. I guess the stress and pain made me feel safe. I looked at myself naked in the mirror this morning...picking out every flaw...scrutinizing every inch of my body...and I felt sad and disappointed. I intellectually look at myself and can see...just for a moment...a body that many women would want and love...but then...the self doubt and hate and the fear take over. Like Julia Roberts says in "Pretty Woman", "..the bad stuff is so much easier to believe...".

Sometimes, I wish I was strong enough to starve myself, but I'm not...I love food too much. Sometimes, I wish I was brave enough to purge, but I'm not...the thought repulses me to the depth of my core. I always wish that I didn't love food so much, but I DO, so I work out hard to help me stay thin. I workout long and hard...everyday...rain or shine...healthy or sick...happy or sad...no matter what. The harder and more taxing the workout, the happier I am. Today I was thinking that I trade one pain for another...that the physical pain eases the emotional pain...just like cutting or purging does for other people...people that hate themselves like I do...sometimes.

After 2 hours in the gym, I left feeling unsatisfied and hoping that tomorrow will be better...hoping that tomorrow I will be kinder to myself...more forgiving. It doesn't matter how hard I work the outside of my body, if the inside stays the same. I have to change my way of thinking. I worry that I never will, but I hope I do learn to see the good someday...that I learn to appreciate the positive...to give myself credit for how far I've come. I tell myself that just because I was fat before, doesn't mean I will be fat again. I hope it is the truth.
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POSTSCRIPT (1-4-08) ...Occasionally, I look back at previous posts, I don't know why, but I do. When I re read this, I realized that I sounded completely psycho. I sound like a self loathing nut case with a hidden eating disorder that cuts themselves. I assure you that I am NON of these things...never have been...never will be. I was down and writing my true feelings AT THAT MOMENT. That's the problem with opening up your most private thoughts and having them written down for anyone to see...sometimes, you feel so bad ...so low...and it can be misinterpreted. I'm not taking it back, because I really was feeling that way. I'm simply clarifying. I love to write descriptively and at times I can go a little over board I guess. No need to call the guys with a straight jacket...at least, not yet ;)
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WEEK 9 / DAY 5

I did so much, so fast that I don't even remember it all. I do know that I was at the gym for a couple minutes shy of 2 hours and I did a 5 min warm up and a 5 min stretch, and I only did 30 min of cardio on the crosstrainer. Tomorrow I'll try and follow a plan.

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“Each of us gives what we are able and, more importantly, willing to give to life. How we react when our capacity and will fall short of our expectations determines how we view ourselves….”

---------------------------------Mark Twight---------------------------------

Day 63...pulled in different directions...

I had another appointment with the podiatrist this morning and it seems like everytime I have an appointment there, I'm late for some reason. Today I was determined to be there on time, so I was ready. I had a plan. I was up and I was ready to be at the gym by 8 AM...just as soon as I got all the kids dropped off. Well as the saying goes..."the best laid plans of mice and men often go awry...", and my plans went awry today.

We got out to the car and my oldest daughter accidentally closed her car door on my middle daughter's hand (right across the knuckles). Of course the tears were flowing as were the apologies. I got an ice pack out, gave her a hug, and headed out. We took J to the elementary school and Sav to the Intermediate school. Syd stayed with me, because she couldn't even grip a pencil. We had to go back home, because Sav had forgotten something that we needed to get and drop off at the Intermediate school. In the midst of coming back home, Syd decided that she had recovered enough to go to school. I went back in the house to write a letter for her to take into the school since she was now almost half an hour late. I dropped Syd off at school and then took Sav her purse. FINALLY, I was free to go to the gym...and I made it...but I was now 45 minutes behind schedule! It was crazy. I felt like I wasn't sure which way I was going...like I was being pulled in every direction.

I got right to business and completed my workout. My workout went well. I had another appointment with that stinkin spinning bike, but once again, I survived. Once I got done, I did my cardio and rushed home so that I could get to my appointment..10 min late. I was pulled every which way early this morning, but I didn't get lost...and I fought my way through and arrived at the destination.

WEEK 9 / DAY 4
5 MIN WARMUP CROSSTRAINER
SQUAT 75#
DIP
RENEGADE ROW 20# DBs
21, 15, 9
(9 MIN)
THEN:
BIKE @ MAX INTENSITY +
MEDICINE BALL SLAM 10#
2 MIN EA FOR 3 ROUNDS
(15 MIN)

CARDIO
20 MIN ELLIPTICAL
10 MIN RUN ON TREADMILL

TOTAL TIME = 59 MIN

Day 62...i rAn...

Today I didn't go to the gym. Today I ran outside. The experience was satisfying in every way...poetic even. All my senses were aroused, and it was almost as if someone else was reading me a poem...with my voice...as I ran. I was intrigued and I listened and I tried my best to remember...to memorize the words I heard...eventhough music filled my ears. As I made my way down that path, listening, these are the words I heard in my head...


"Today I run on a familiar path...

I gasp for air to fill my lungs, and I smell.
I smell autumn.
I smell grass.
I smell dirt...the earth beside the path I'm on.

My body propels itself forward, and I feel.
I feel the wind moving my hair.
I feel my hips...rotating...aching...pushing me further.
I feel my muscles...tense and strong.
I feel the anticipation that comes with the effort it takes to move forward.

I raise my eyes towards the sky, and I see.
I see the leaves falling like rain.
I see colors...brown...yellow...red...green.
I see an elderly couple walking hand in hand.
I see the sun trying to find it's way through the trees that shade this trail.

My feet pound the pavement...again and again...and I hear.
I hear the sound of my breath...moving in and out...fast and loud.
I hear the sound of the leaves dancing in circles as the wind tosses them around...as they scratch the concrete.
I hear the crackle of the dry leaves as my feet crush them and break them into tiny pieces.

I relax and enjoy my surroundings, and then I remember and I taste.
I remember the laughter.
I remember when the leaves were green and the air was still and hot.
I remember a time when I wasn't alone.
I taste the bitter flavor of my lonliness.
I taste the chill of the sadness that follows.
I relish the sweet taste of my memories.
I savor the taste of peace...of gratitude."

WEEK 9 / DAY 3
RUN 3.87 MILES ON TRAIL (32 MIN - AVG PACE 8:17-378 CALORIES)
COOLDOWN/WALK ON TRAIL (16 MIN - AVG PACE 15:03 - 104 CALORIES)

My run was great...the trail looked just like this picture...and I loved it.

Day 61...aBUsiVe...

Oh dear...I've mentioned my bad relationship with the airdyne in the past and now with the spinning bike. It occurred to me as I suffered today on that bike, that my relationship with those bikes is a bit like an abusive boyfriend. I love it and hate it. It hurts me, but I keep going back for more. I tell myself not to do it...I fear it as I drive to the gym...but I go back again and again...for more abuse. I literally have to try and go to another place...to embrace the pain...or I can't make it through those 6 minutes of torture...that come in 2 minute increments...3X. It hurts me and tells me that I can't do it...and then it's almost as if there's an apology, because when the pain is finished...when I survive another beating...I somehow forget how bad it really was and I forgive it and walk away...knowing that I will come back again...despite the pain...and...it WILL hurt...again. The only difference between these two evils, is that eventhough the bike hurts me and shakes my confidence in the midst of the pain, it doesn't break me...it doesn't leave scars or bruises...it makes me stronger and more confident.

WEEK 9 / DAY 2
5 MIN WARMUP CROSSTRAINER
JUMPING LUNGES 10#
PUSHUPS (GIRL STYLE B/C MY CHEST IS HURTING)
PULLUPS (JUMPING)
21, 17, 14
(7 MIN)
THEN:
BIKE @ MAX INTENSITY FOR 2 MIN
MEDICINE BALL SLAMS 10# FOR 2 MIN
REPEAT FOR 3 ROUNDS
(14MIN)

CARDIO
30 MIN TREADMILL WALK 4.6 ALTERNATING BETWEEN FLAT AND 15 DEGREES INCLINE
20 MIN RECUMBENT BIKE - LEVEL 9 MANUAL
5 MIN STRETCH
TOTAL = 1 HOUR 21 MIN

Day 60...just when you think it's safe to go back in the water...

I hate scary movies. They give me nightmares and stress me out. I remember being a kid and swimming at my neighbor's pool after watching JAWS. Everytime I went under to swim to the other side, I felt like something was gonna get me...like something was chasing me. Sometimes I feel that way at the gym. I try not to make eye contact with certain people, because I don't want to be "chased". Last week, Mr. C pretty much left me alone, so today I thought it was safe to "go back in the water...to let my guard down". I shoulda known...that's always when the "attack" comes...when you least expect it.

I was getting off the crosstrainer after finishing my warm up and ready to move on to weights, and here he came with his arrogant swagger and his creepy, crooked smile. I had to hear about his ongoing knee problems and how he called his sister for pain pills, because he was in so much pain. I also had to hear about his incredible tolerance to pain meds...when others are asleep or "knocked out", he's still wide awake and talking. Oh, so impressive...I swear a few brain cells die everytime I go through one of these "interludes". He then proceeds to end with a story about being in a hospital and being given lots of drugs...enough that anyone else would be out of it...but not him...not the boxing stud muffin (HA!)...he was still awake eventhough the nurse expected him to be out. So in his words, he "decided to have a little fun with her". He tells me that he pinched her butt!...and then laughs like a prepubescent boy...and says, "She told the other nurse I didn't know what I was doin...HA HA HA! It was so funny." This is where/why our conversation ended. I can only take so much. My reply, "Oh gosh!...It may be funny to you, but I'm sure it wasn't too funny to her. You are incorrigible...you should be ashamed!" He just laughed it up and I walked away....scratching my head. Yuck!

I worked really hard today...probably too hard. I added stuff to the workout and now I regret it, because I feel spent...like I way overdid it...like I'm gonna be no good for the rest of the day. But...on a positive note...I did my best and gave it all I had...and THAT, I can be proud of...and the pain involved with this workout, was nothing compared to the "brain pain" I had to endure during my sleazy encounter with Mr. C. I worked hard today. It was a good way to start a new week.

WEEK 9 / DAY 1
5 MIN WARM UP - CROSSTRAINER

20 DB FLYS 8# (I ADDED)
20 OVERHEAD SQUAT 30#
20 DECLINE SITUPS
30 FRONT SQUATS 50#
30 BICEP CURLS ON "GREY MONSTER" W/ STRAIGHT BAR 20# (I ADDED)
30 KTES
40 BACK SQUAT 75#
40 TRICEP PRESSDOWNS (I ADDED)
40 SIT UPS W/ FEET ANCHORED
50 AIR SQUATS
50 BICEP CURLS (ALTERNATING 12#) (I ADDED)
50 FROGGIES
60 LAT PULLDOWNS 55# (I ADDED)
(1 HR)

CARDIO
40 MIN ELLIPTICAL - PROG 4/ RES 10 (NEARLY KILLED ME TO FINISH)
5 MIN OF MUCH ANTICIPATED STRETCHING

TOTAL TIME - 1 HR 50 MIN

Day 59..."wAkiNG uP"...bEcoMinG aWaRe...

As I rest from working out today...as I do EVERY Sunday...I am thinking about a quote that I have by Mark Twight. It says, "Some of us wake up. Others roll over." This quote came to mind this morning as I thought about my life. I was thinking about what my life IS...as opposed to what it COULD have been. I think we all fall into the trap of the old "grass is greener on the other side" thoughts from time to time. It's easy to fantasize about being happy..or another life...but sometimes, it takes work to be happy with what you have right in front of you.

I like Mark Twight's philosophies and collect his quotes, because they do not just apply to sports or physical training. They are philosophies that I can also apply to the way I live my life everyday...the way I see the world...my attitude in general. I wonder how many days I've wasted "rolling over"...sleep walking through my life...dreaming it away...when instead I could be "waking up"...opening my eyes and seeing the possibilities that lie in front of me each day...doing the best I can with what I have...living a life I can be proud of; one I can love.

I may not climb mountains like Mark Twight, and I've never written a book. I'm not an expert and I certainly have no followers or disciples as he calls them...but I CAN be great. I can "wake up" and be the greatest version of me. I can be grateful. I can be aware. I can be strong. As I start a new week and turn the page in my book of workouts tomorrow...I will "wake up" and choose to truly see the possibilities of a new day.

NO WORKOUT OR CARDIO/ REST DAY

Day 58...rush...rush...RUSH!...

Today I was rushing, because I overslept and I had to workout, get ready for the day, and go to my oldest daughter's swim meet in FW at noon. I slept until 8:30ish. It's so weird, because I went to bed at 11 last night...that is so crazy early for me! I've felt SO tired this week. I feel like I'm turning into an old lady. I ate some eggs and toast, threw on workout clothes and shoes, grabbed J and left to tan and go to the gym.

Once I got to the gym, I had exactly 55 minutes before I needed to get home and shower. I got right down to business and got on the crosstrainer to warm up. I'm sure I looked like a crazy person...running from exercise to exercise...no breaks...sweating like crazy...with a red face, but I was determined to get done in enough time to do at least 30 minutes of cardio. The exercises are not hard. It's just tiring going from one right to the next. I got done in just enough time for a 30 minute run on the treadmill. I made it home and got to the swim meet on time. I don't like having to rush my workouts. Actually, I don't like feeling rushed at all. It would've been easier to skip a day. It wouldn't kill me and my body would probably appreciate it, but I'm glad I toughed it out and got it done...even if I did have to rush!

WEEK 8 / DAY 6
5 MIN WARM UP
THEN........
50 X SUMO DEADLIFT HIGH PULL W/ 45# DB
20 X MEDICINE BALL SLAM 10#
20 X MEDICINE BALL TOSS 10#
20 X BOX JUMP
20 X BACK EXTENSIONS HOLDING 10# PLATE
20 X SITUPS
20 X PUSHUPS
20 X KTE (VERY HARD TODAY)
20 X SHOULDER PRESS W/ 15#DBs
20 X BURPEES
20 X PULLUPS (JUMPING)
(19 MIN)

CARDIO
30 MIN "EASY" RUN (7.4) ON TREADMILL
VERY SHORT STRETCH-MAINLY QUADS-CALVES AFTER RUNNING

TOTAL TIME = 54 MINUTES

Day 57..."an easy 10" ?...not today...

My friend, W, once told me about a movie called "Without Limits". It's about Steve Prefontaine, and there's a part where he asks some track team guys if they want to "go out for an easy ten (miles)"...actually there is some debate over whether it's "an easy ten" or "a quick ten"...either way it's just funny to think that someone could refer to a ten mile run as quick or easy, but I guess it was for Pre. Today was my 5K/ABS day. I got up at 5:45 AM and got ready to go in to the gym early since I had to be at the Elementary school by 8:45 and I was determined not to be late. My husband came in from his 5AM trip to the gym around 6:10. I should've left immediately, but I sat and freaked to him about how upset I am with my body and my weight. I feel like my stomach looks like a bowl of jelly and I can't seem to lose weight. I've upped my cardio to almost an hour a day! I want to lose 5 lbs and I can't even lose 1...I just hold steady...and it's frustrating. I always relied on W, to help me make things happen...and he did. If I said I want smaller arms...I got smaller arms. If I said I want a bigger, higher butt...I got my "J-Lo". I have to do this now...myself. Once I got done panicking; whining, I left...now behind schedule. I got on the treadmill feeling tired and worn out before I even began...pretty typical of a Friday. I cranked it up and began my run.

Today, my run was not quick and certainly not easy. I love running, because I love the control I feel over my body. I love running faster when I want to stop. I love that my body tells me I'm dying, but I can disagree...keep going...and LIVE to tell the tale. I can make my body go even when it seems impossible...that's the general rule. There are a few exceptions to this rule though...today was one of those days. I just couldn't do it. I couldn't make myself keep going. My body staged a coup and betrayed me today. It is always very hard for me to give in...to relent...but today...my body insisted. I had to just do intervals, and even that was really hard. I wanted to give up...walk out...hating myself...but I didn't allow it. Even Pre, one of the greatest runners to live, lost races. So, I lost the race today...didn't make the finish line...but next time I will. I guess we all have those days every now and then.....

3 MINUTE INTERVALS-RUN (8.4) / WALK (4.1)
45 MINUTES
NO TIME FOR ABS (doesn't help the jelly belly!...but I did get to the school on time)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"You have to wonder at times what you're doing out there. Over the years, I've given myself a thousand reasons to keep running, but it always comes back to where it started. It comes down to self-satisfaction and a sense of achievement."

-----------------------------STEVE PREFONTAINE--------------------------

Day 56...waving the white flag and moving forward...

I traded today's workout for a workout that I missed last week, because tomorrow I am chaperoning the Kindergarten field trip and I thought it would be easier, just to get up and run...rather than try and do a workout AND cardio before I have to be ready and at the school by 8:45 AM tomorrow. My body is tired and my knees hurt, but I always look forward to my workouts. Lately, I feel like I've screwed up everything I've done. I've had to just laugh about it to keep from crying, but it seems that everyday...I surprise myself with yet another mistake. At first it WAS kinda funny...but now...it's starting to feel a little defeating. So, that's why I looked forward to today's time in the gym. I'm not going to win the "mother of the year" award any time soon...anyone that I've had an appt with over the last month probably thinks I'm stupid or a flake...my house has been a wreck...and I've secretly felt like a loser that's life is passing her by...but I can take my book, go to the gym, and do my workouts...right. I've just decided to give in..."wave the white flag"...and move forward....one mistake...one step...one day at a time...without focusing on the negative or beating myself up.

I enjoyed today's workout. It was great and it DID make me feel better. I was able to work out without interruption...and it was hard, but didn't knock me out for the rest of the day. I'm glad I worked out today.

WEEK 8 / DAY 4
(5 MIN WARMUP)
25 X PULLUPS (ASSISTED W/STANDS)
50 X DB DEADLIFTS 50#
50 X PUSHUPS
50 X BOX JUMPS
50 X DECLINE SITUPS
50 X HANGCLEANS @ 45#
25 X PULLUPS (JUMPING)
(27 MIN)

CARDIO
30 MIN ELLIPTICAL
25 MIN WALK ON TREADMILL (4.6)
5 MIN STRETCH
TOTAL TIME = 1 HR 32 MIN

Day 55...short but sweaty...

Today's workout didn't take long...19 minutes...and that's because I added running a half mile to the end of all 3 rounds. I took my kettlebell and just knocked it out as fast as I could. I was sweating and worn out when I got done. I felt like I couldn't get enough water to drink. It was nice not to be interrupted by anyone and be able to just concentrate on finishing...quickly. I added some ABS to the end as well. When I was done with cardio, I felt really tired, but good. So, I don't have anything interesting to report...just that I did it...again.

WEEK 8 / DAY 3
5 MIN WARMUP CROSSTRAINER
15 X KETTLEBELL SWING 25#
15 X GOBLET SQUAT 25# (CONVERSION)
THEN
15 X RDL
RUN 1/2 MILE TOP SPEED
3 ROUNDS
(19 MIN)
ALSO DID ABOUT 15 MIN OF RANDOM ABS

CARDIO
40 MIN CROSS TRAINER
5 MIN STRETCH

Day 54...special? or pitiful?...either way...SCARY!

Well, I had thought today's title would be "hundreds". "Hundreds" because I did 100 of each of the exercises on my list...but as usual, I was interrupted and talked to by strange men. One of those creepy conversations made me think..."I'm either very special...or very pitiful...". My knees are hurting today so the lunges were kinda hard, but doing a hundred pushups after my time off in the spring is a killer, especially after 100 medicine ball slams. After the first 25 pushups, I struggled through the rest...5 or 10 at a time...until I got to 100. I had a couple of times where I was hunched over looking at the floor while kneeling down...trying to recover and keep going.

Mr. C came by to say "hello" during one of those times...and then walked back and forth...for what seemed like no reason at all...at least 10 more times. Then, this creepy old lech that works there that is as wide as he is tall (he's very short) came by. He has tried to talk to me and watches me in the creepiest of ways...EVERY day. He has been teased by other workers for watching women while they are doing classes through the window...ewww. I've always tried to never make eye contact and ignore him, but yesterday the girl at the desk was talking to me on my way out and he ran out to join in. He talked my ear off. Anyways, he came by while I was in between pushups and said, "It's okay...you only have 50 more..(wink wink)!". I said, "That IS EXACTLY how many I have left." and looked away...hoping he would crawl back under his rock. No dice! He said, "You look like you do pretty good with your workouts, but I'd love for you to let me take you through a workout one day." Then he grabbed my hand...the one dabbing sweat off my forehead and shook it...gross! I just smiled to keep from jumping up and taking him down by the throat. COME ON!!! #1. Pretty good workouts!?!?...those are great workouts...written by someone that knows what he's doing and knows me, my body, and my capabilities...not some guy that just wants to see me bend over and do deadlifts! #2 HELLO!!!! You are old and in TERRIBLE shape...and YOU are going to "help" me??? I was quite scared by the next thought that came to mind....I know I look hideous and sweaty...I can't be so special that these men can't resist talking to me!...really! That begs the question, "Am I so pitiful that I look like I NEED help?" Then paranoia creeps in...Maybe I look weak? Is my form bad??? Am I pitiful rather than special???

After he slithered off, another trainer , R, ran over to say.."If you don't already...just ignore E! He is...well...he's uhhh...he doesn't know what he's talking about!" and shook his head. I said, "Oh, I know." and went back to pushups. What is this? Why can't I just do my workout without "help"?!? It is plain creepy! and it makes me feel gross...NOT good! Well, I finally finished my pushups and struggled through inverted rows and more lunges, but I did it...and I was sore and tired when I finished. Today I worked hard...despite the interruptions.

WEEK 8 / DAY 2

5 MIN WARMUP-CROSSTRAINER
100 X OVERHEAD LUNGES
100 X MED BALL SLAMS 10#
100 X PUSHUPS
100 X INVERTED ROWS
100 X OVERHEAD LUNGES
(37 MIN)

CARDIO
25 MIN RECUMBENT BIKE
30 MIN WALKING (4.5) ON TREADMILL
5 MIN STRETCH

TOTAL TIME=1 HR 42 MIN

Day 53...squat!...swing!...pull!...repeat...

I was feeling a little anxious over my "weekday" return to the gym. I worked out at home last week once I found out I had shingles. I finally went back on Saturday...but Saturday is totally different than during the week. Saturday, my husband and the same 5 middle aged guys are there every week. There's always a few other people, but there are the regulars. Also, Mr. C is usually not there to bug me. I was excited to do the workout with my kettlebell, but I always get anxious about bringing my own stuff into the gym. I never know how Mr. C will react...or what he might say...he's not known for his "people skills". I knew he was gonna ask me when we could reschedule our "workout" since I missed it last week (snap!). I started to just workout at home, but I knew it would just make it harder tomorrow...so I started a load of laundry, made my bed, and went...kettlebell in hand.

It was late by the time I got myself there...almost 10AM. I warmed up and got started. The workout went fast. Mr. C came by to ask me about the whole shingles issue and I explained the best I could. Luckily, he didn't stick around too long or ask when he could in his words..."work me out". Whew! Oh, and as for the kettlebell sitting right by where he walked...I don't think he saw it, as he was too busy reading my shirt...very carefully. I did alot of cardio, but felt good. When W made my workout book, he put dumdbells down instead of kettlebells, because at the time I didn't have any. It was great to do it with the kettlebell...like the good ol days. It really makes a difference having all that weight concentrated on one spot rather than divided in two. It's the same weight, but a different feeling alltogether! I'm glad I went back today. I really have no complaints...I wasn't harrassed and I'm feeling better. Overall, today was a pretty good day at the gym.

WEEK 8/DAY 1
(5 min warmup)
SQUAT 80, 64, 48, 32, 24, 12
KETTLEBELL SWING 25# 40, 32, 24, 16, 12, 6
PULLUP (JUMPING) 20, 16, 12, 8, 6, 3
(17 min)

CARDIO
30 MIN ELLIPTICAL (NO HANDS) ON WEIGHT LOSS INTERVALS
20 MIN "EASY" RUN ON TREADMILL (7.0) AND THEN 5 MIN WALK
(5 min stretch)
TOTAL TIME = 1 HR 22 MIN