Today I didn't follow the plan. Today was an all out free forall workout. Today I let my own fears and worries override what I've been told to do. The only saving grace is that I don't think W has much desire or time to read this regularly...he is busy doing what he left to do as he should be...so maybe he won't know. I wasn't trying to ignore his instruction or disagree with him, it's just that it felt too easy when I got started, and then...the self doubt...the fear...and the insults began to well up inside me. I wanted it to be hard...to punish me...to hurt...in hopes that I would somehow feel better afterwards.
I was FAT before. I was FAT and sad and uncomfortable and miserable and I hated myself for it. I worked so hard to change, but sometimes, maintaining something is harder than the push to achieve it. It's hard because when I was losing weight, I was happy to do what it took to lose weight...I was miserable so giving things up was not as hard. I didn't feel deprived. I felt more in control...more powerful and satisfied. I didn't know where I would end up...I never had a specific number. I just wanted to be smaller...healthier...less winded at the top of my stairs. I didn't place so much emphasis on the size of my clothes, because it didn't matter if I was a 14 or an 8 or whatever...it's all smaller than a size 18...which is what size I wore when I started the journey.
I ended up at a surprising size 2/4. I still can't believe I've made it so far some days. Everyday when I put the first leg in my jeans and start to slide them on, I literally pause and worry "what if...."..."what if they are tighter?"..."what if I can't pull them up?"..."what if I am getting fat again?" I KNOW it's crazy. I KNOW it's stupid. I KNOW it's unhealthy...sick even...but it's the way I feel...everyday. It's gotten really bad since W has been gone. He was constantly changing my workout and challenging me. I guess the stress and pain made me feel safe. I looked at myself naked in the mirror this morning...picking out every flaw...scrutinizing every inch of my body...and I felt sad and disappointed. I intellectually look at myself and can see...just for a moment...a body that many women would want and love...but then...the self doubt and hate and the fear take over. Like Julia Roberts says in "Pretty Woman", "..the bad stuff is so much easier to believe...".
Sometimes, I wish I was strong enough to starve myself, but I'm not...I love food too much. Sometimes, I wish I was brave enough to purge, but I'm not...the thought repulses me to the depth of my core. I always wish that I didn't love food so much, but I DO, so I work out hard to help me stay thin. I workout long and hard...everyday...rain or shine...healthy or sick...happy or sad...no matter what. The harder and more taxing the workout, the happier I am. Today I was thinking that I trade one pain for another...that the physical pain eases the emotional pain...just like cutting or purging does for other people...people that hate themselves like I do...sometimes.
After 2 hours in the gym, I left feeling unsatisfied and hoping that tomorrow will be better...hoping that tomorrow I will be kinder to myself...more forgiving. It doesn't matter how hard I work the outside of my body, if the inside stays the same. I have to change my way of thinking. I worry that I never will, but I hope I do learn to see the good someday...that I learn to appreciate the positive...to give myself credit for how far I've come. I tell myself that just because I was fat before, doesn't mean I will be fat again. I hope it is the truth.
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POSTSCRIPT (1-4-08) ...Occasionally, I look back at previous posts, I don't know why, but I do. When I re read this, I realized that I sounded completely psycho. I sound like a self loathing nut case with a hidden eating disorder that cuts themselves. I assure you that I am NON of these things...never have been...never will be. I was down and writing my true feelings AT THAT MOMENT. That's the problem with opening up your most private thoughts and having them written down for anyone to see...sometimes, you feel so bad ...so low...and it can be misinterpreted. I'm not taking it back, because I really was feeling that way. I'm simply clarifying. I love to write descriptively and at times I can go a little over board I guess. No need to call the guys with a straight jacket...at least, not yet ;)
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WEEK 9 / DAY 5
I did so much, so fast that I don't even remember it all. I do know that I was at the gym for a couple minutes shy of 2 hours and I did a 5 min warm up and a 5 min stretch, and I only did 30 min of cardio on the crosstrainer. Tomorrow I'll try and follow a plan.
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“Each of us gives what we are able and, more importantly, willing to give to life. How we react when our capacity and will fall short of our expectations determines how we view ourselves….”
---------------------------------Mark Twight---------------------------------
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