Day 17...a leap of faith

Well, here I am...back to another Sunday...another "new beginning"...another day to rest. I can't believe that I have been working out alone for two weeks now. Funny how it changes from day to day. I still miss my trainer...friend. Sometimes, I will remember a conversation...a workout...something funny...a run...the strangest things bring up those memories...a song...a place...an exercise...whatever. He was such a huge part of my life for a year, that there are alot of memories. I am really okay some days. I do my thing...I'm glad that he is gone doing something important to him...I don't feel sad. Other days I'm so so...I miss him...think about him...but I go about my day and I am content...I do not dwell on his absence. Still every now and then, I have a bad day...I am sad...lonely...frustrated...I fixate on how good things WERE...I worry that he has or will move on and forget me...those days, I'm unfocused and weak.

It has been a bit of a roller coaster ride - these past two weeks. My emotions have gone up and down. They have varied between so many different and opposite emotions. I have learned alot about myself in the process though. One thing that I've learned is that I CAN do it alone. But then I wonder, am I really doing it ALONE??? Physically, I'm alone...but in reality...I am not. My trainer taught me. In the beginning, it was hard for me to humble myself and submit to him, but I had to if I wanted to be better. I complete difficult workouts, but it's not like they are my ideas. My trainer left me with an instruction manual of exercises to follow and promised me that if I would do what he said...nothing more...nothing less...that I would be "better for it" (his words). It has taken a leap of faith to do this...but I am doing it.

Today in Sunday School, as we talked about all that Jesus has done for us, I started thinking that this experience I am going through right now. It's not just about learning to work out alone or about missing a friend. It's about having faith...believing...taking a step into the dark because only then can we see the light. We face challenges every day in life. When we are successful, we take credit and think we are doing it all alone, but we are not. Just as my friend has been here through his workouts, phone calls, and e-mails to help me make it through, Christ is there...helping us...guiding us...even sometimes carrying us...every day. He taught us through His example and He left us the scriptures as an "instruction manual". If we follow His teachings, we are all the "better for it", but it takes faith.

I hate that my friend is gone, but I know that I need to learn from this time apart. I know that if I will submit to this process, just as I had to submit to my trainer in the beginning, that I will be a better, stronger person in the end. For this...I am thankful.

NO WORKOUT OR CARDIO/ REST DAY

Day 16...sideshow fReAK...

I went to the gym after my daughter's early morning soccer game. I put my kids in the daycare, did a 5 min warmup, and set up in the back for my workout. It was a good one...it got me. It was deceiving, because there are only 20 of most of the exercises, but I was soaking wet from sweating within 10 minutes. It's so funny working out like I do. It's amusing to see people's reactions. I recognize that it is different...out of the ordinary...even scary to some people...the "normal" ones that just come in, get on the treadmill or elliptical, and then use a few machines. I am fully aware of the fact that it, I am the one that's different...and that's OK.

Years ago...even months or maybe even weeks ago...the stares and weird looks would get me self conscious...make me feel like a weirdo. Not anymore. After 2 weeks of doing these workouts left for me by my trainer...and doing them alone...successfully...I am proud to be different...hardcore...scary. I'm proud because it's hard...it takes strength mentally and physically...it takes guts...it takes determination and suffering to do what I do. I did my workout among nothing but men mostly...staring...trying to figure me out...trying to keep up...not sure whether to think it's sexy or scary. Then as I showed Paul how to do KTEs (knees to elbows) and SDHPs (sumo deadlift high pulls)...one man actually stopped what he was doing to stare. His eyes followed us...he even shook his head and raised his eyebrows. For just a moment, I felt like an oddity in a sideshow...a freak...ugly...weird. But as soon as that moment passed, I walked by with as much bravado as I could outwardly show and continued on as if he were not even there.

Funny how as humans we are programmed to think different is bad...wrong...it's not...it's just...different. Funny how we fear and hate people that do things that we think we cannot. I used to be that way. Now I know better, because I was taught and trained to be better than I thought I could be...taught and trained to have confidence in my abilities...taught and trained to never give up when I fail, but to try again and again and again until I succeed. Anyone can do what I do...but they have to WANT it...SUFFER for it...WORK for it...be willing to be different. I used to have self imposed limits. Now I know that there should never be a limit...I should always be working towards more...pushing back those limits...changing them. So, let em look. Let em act as though I'm a sideshow freak. From now on, I'll take it as a compliment. All that it means, is that I'm working hard and doing well...that I'm rising above the mediocrity that I was content with for most of my life. Today was a good hard workout. I enjoyed it. It killed me and I loved it...and then I wanted more...but I stopped...like I promised W I would.

WEEK2/ DAY6
(5 min warm up)
50 X SDHP
20 X BALL SLAMS 10#
20 X BALL TOSS
20 X BACK EXTENSIONS
20 X SITUPS
20 X PUSHUPS
20 X KTE
20 X SHOULDER PRESS 15#
20 X BURPEES
20 X PULLUPS (did assisted with foot on platforms)
(35 MIN)

CARDIO
3 ROUNDS 2 MIN JUMPROPE
INTERVALS ON TREADMILL 20 MIN (3 MIN EA-4.0 WALK/8.0 RUN)
(5 min stretch)
TOTAL TIME= 1 HR 11MIN

Day 15...eXerCisiNG WILL...

Yesterday I was sad.I was defeated...down...determined to fail. I was determined and I accomplished what I told myself I would...I failed...I gave up. That's not who I want to be! When I workout...I don't cheat...and I sure as hell don't quit! I was sad and suffering, but that was crap, and today WILL be different. I'm deciding to exercise my will...my desire...in spite of and because of my suffering. Mark Twight says, "SUFFERING PROVIDES THE OPPORTUNITY TO EXERCISE WILL AND DEVELOP GRIT…". I believe that to be true. When you push hard...fight the desire to quit...refuse to give in to the pain...you build fortitude and become sturdy...unshakeable...both physically and mentally. I'm so imperfect...so flawed. I wax and wane with the moon, but I won't stop trying...recommiting to live this way...to persevere and fight to be everything I can be...I am the only thing holding myself back. I won't walk in the gym with my head down like I did yesterday. I'm gonna own it. I will not cry today like I did yesterday. I am sick with a cold but I'm not dead...and I can do this. I will choose to be content...chin up...pressing forward....

WEEK 2/DAY 5
(5 min warm up)
.5 MILE RUN (@ 8.4 speed on treadmill)
DB SWING 30#
PULLUPS (jumping)
21, 15, 9 (20 min)

CARDIO
ELLIPTICAL/CROSSTRAINER (40 MIN)
(5 min stretch)
THIS IS WHAT I WAS SUPPOSSED TO DO, AND I DID...BUT I ADDED THE ABS THAT I SKIPPED YESTERDAY

ABS
50 SITUPS (feet under weights...come up and touch stool in front of me...without stopping)
25 DECLINE SITUPS
25 FROGGIES
2 (30 SEC) HANGING HOLDS WITH KNEES BENT AS HIGH AS I COULD GET THEM
50 ALTERNATING TOE TOUCH SITUPS (25 EA FOOT)
30 SEC PLANK (front-side-side - 2X ea)
25 SCISSORS
(20 min)
TOTAL TIME IN GYM = 1 HR 30 MIN

I am feeling pretty bad. Paul let me sleep in and that helped, but my head is hurting and my nose is running. It wasn't as bad as I had expected. I was worried about trying to run all congested, but it didn't really hold me back much. I felt surprisingly strong. The only struggle was that I wanted to quit cardio @ about 20 minutes because I was tired and my foot was bothering me pretty bad. I just kept pressing telling myself..."just go 5 more min...5 more min...5 more min"...until I was done. I was glad when it was done and I could come home and eat some mini wheats...I was so hungry. I'm so grateful that today was better than yesterday...that I made a decision to succeed today...to exercise my will. I hate days like yesterday, but they do help the good days seem so much better. Now I guess it's time to ice my aching foot and knee, take a bath, and take a nap (yeah!).

Day 14............

...Today...I wasn't good enough...not for me. I'm sick...and I'm tired. I'm not usually at a loss for words......but today.....I am going to take the advice given to Thumper in the movie "Bambi"..." If you can't say something nice... don't say nothing at all."......Please let tomorrow be better....

WEEK 2/DAY 4

5K (24:20)
ABS ( didn't do them )

Day 13...quickie...

Not much exciting or crazy news to report today...no life changing epiphanies or sexy encounters with Mr. C (sorry...being facetious with that last part). My workout was very short today. It only took me 10 minutes to complete the actual workout/lifting segment. It probably would've taken 9, but I had to completely move everything I set up. I set up my 25# DB and a 50 # bar for the deadlifts (wasn't a specific amount listed). I moved a bench and had it all set up by the mirrors in the free weights area. I do that so I can watch myself in the mirror and make sure my back stays neutral on the deadlifts. Noone was over there. As soon as I did that, I swear, this crazy trainer lady made a bee line over there, grabbed a bunch of weights, set them up right on top of mine (not exagerrating) and told her client, "You just stand right here. We're gonna do this right here." I was so shocked and so pissed. I looked at her...an aging walking stick with 2 fake D boobs...grabbed my stuff with a complete look and sense of shock and said, "Uhhhh...Don't worry. I'll move." She said, "OK." What the hell? What did I do to her? In fact me and W ought to get commission off all her training since she watches my every move and then proceeds to copy my exact routine on the next client that she trains!...and allows them to do so with crazy bad form! Why do women have to be such mean haters? Whatever...it doesn't matter. I just blew it off, moved to a new locale, and got on with it. I am very sore and my knees are killing me, especially my right knee that always gives me trouble, but that won't stop me...never has...never will. I'm not sure if it's moxie or stupidity...either way...it gets the job done. ;)

WEEK 2/DAY 3

(5 min warm up elliptical)
15 X DB SWING 25#
conversion to...
15 X GOBLET SQUAT 25#
THEN:
15 X RDL (no weight specified-I used 50 #)
3 ROUNDS
(I wasn't sure if I was to do all 3 exercises together 3 X or the swing and squat 3 x, then deadlifts 3X separate...I did it all together 3X.) 10 MIN TOTAL

CARDIO
ELLIPTICAL (no hands) 45 MIN
TOTAL TIME 1HR

Day 12...STRONGER...

As I do every evening before bed, I looked at what fun and exciting things I would be doing the following morning (today) at the gym. Oh boy! It's a hundreds day...100 of this 100 of that...overhead lunges...pushups...uh oh. I see inverted rows...and start to panic. I can't remember how to do them...or even what they are. Hmmmm....is it leaning over and pulling back?...no...those are just rows (i think)...Is it pushup position and pulling back...no...that's renegade rows (i think). I've allowed myself to just plod along and do what my trainer told me to. I didn't mean to...it just happened. I compare it to being a passenger in a car. The driver will remember how to get to the location, because they drive so they have to pay attention...while the passenger rides along and enjoys getting there without having to think...chances are they won't know how to get there themselves unless they get a map. I e-mailed my friend. It's so silly. I knew he was in classes until late. I knew he wouldn't check it before I had to go this morning...and I knew that even if he did, he wouldn't have time to explain it. He's got much more important things to do now than help me with something as silly as "inverted rows". I think it was instinct to go to him...I didn't even expect an answer, but I did it anyway...only to feel like an idiot afterwards. I looked it up online and it all came back. Something else came along as well...NERVES! Immediately I start with the nervous panic. I don't know how to adjust the Smith machine...rack thingy...whatever it's called. And then it came to me...the thought...the words left in a previous comment..."don't worry about what they think... don't let your pride get the best of you..."...like a ghost haunting me...helping me. Alright already! So, I'm about to leave... to do my hundreds of exercises...to swallow my pride and try to do so without choking as it's rather large...and to ask (UGH) for help.... Here goes nothin!

WEEK 2/DAY 2
(5min warmup elliptical)
100 X OVERHEAD LUNGE
100 X MEDICINE BALL SLAMS (10#)
100 X PUSHUPS
100 X INVERTED ROWS
100 X OVERHEAD LUNGE

CARDIO
30 MIN RECUMBENT BIKE-HILLS
(5 min stretch)

TOTAL TIME = 1HR 25MIN (45 WORKOUT)

GEEZ! That was tough. It pushed me hard. I just had to turn up the ipod and blast Kanye-"Work it, make it, do it, makes us harder, better, faster, STRONGER!" It know the song hasn't got a thing to do with workin out, but it helped me keep goin. I figured out how to adjust the bar down for inverted rows, but we always did it on the other rack (the one W almost broke trying to adjust one day cuz it's a pain in butt) and I had a hard time getting in the right spot...right height...whatever it kicked my butt...HARD! Then I struggled through hills with lots of resistance on the recumbent bike. I also got the pleasure of Mr. C's company...talking...and talking...and talking. He was checking on my hurt foot...yeah right! I gotta quit wearing makeup and making eye contact. I don't know how the conversation led to this madness, but at one point he showed me that he doesn't have any hair on his chest. I did mention that he SHOWED me!?! EWWW...thanks for sharing...NOT! There is a God...and He was lookin out for me...Mr. C finally got paged up to the desk. Today I feel good...like I really had to work to finish. My legs rarely hurt, but they were begging for mercy after 200 lunges and the bike...oh and did I mention how sore I am from all those squats yesterday???!!! As I limped...literally...back to stretch I thought, "Woah...glad tomorrow I get to do some goblet squats...yea!" Actually though...all kidding aside... I AM glad...glad to be alive...fit...and "harder, better, faster, STRONGER"!

Day 11...lazy, but determined...

This morning I was tired. I usually have no problems with motivation, but today's a lazy day. I don't feel sad...or bad...I just didn't wanna work out. I cleaned up a bit...worked on a project...looked at e-mail...anything I could think of other than draggin my booty to the gym. When it got to be almost 10, I decided I had better quit putting it off and hit the road. I tanned first...yet another successful procrastination...and then... I got to the gym...finally! I warmed up...set up my little workout station...took a deep breath and just did it. Why is it that in life, we put off what we don't feel like doing...only to regret it later? If we spent the time we used trying to justify a way out of working out...or studying...or cleaning...saying how we really feel...or whatever it is that's not so appealing at the time, we could've gotten it done and overwith...less painfully... and alot sooner. Plus, when I don't wanna work out (highly unusual!) and then I do, I feel great...better than normal.

WEEK 2/DAY 1

WORKOUT
(warm up on elliptical for 5 min)

SQUATS (down to lowest "box") 80, 64, 48, 32, 24, 12
DB SWING w/ 25# 40, 32, 24, 16, 12, 6
PULLUP (jumping) 20, 16, 12, 8, 6, 3

CARDIO
40 min on TREADMILL ( 6 minute intervals- 3 min walk 4.0 / 3 min run 8.0...repeat walk first 2 and last 2 min)
(5 min stretching)

TOTAL TIME = 1HR 14MIN

Wow! It was so hard hitting that 3rd round of 48, 24, 12...I wanted to hear "LET"S GO! C'MON! DON'T YOU STOP!" so bad...the words that could aggravate me before...but it got easier from there. I finished in 24 minutes...so tired, but so glad I did it...so glad I took control and left with no regrets!

Day 10...restoration...

Another week is gone and I'm back to the start of a new one. I'm going to try to be more in control of my feelings this week...it's just the weirdest thing...for a couple of days now, I've had this feeling that something is going to happen...not to me, but to someone I care about. I don't know if it's bad, but I feel like I'm "on call" for an emergency waiting to happen. That's probably why it's 3AM and I'm still awake. It's so weird...I've never had this happen before. I must've finally "lost it" for real this time. I hope it's just stress playing tricks on my mind.

Today is my day of rest. Sunday is not only the day that I rest physically from my workouts, but it's also the day that I try to restore myself spiritually and prepare for the coming week. I go to church to learn more of Christ, to teach his gospel, and to reflect upon my week and what I can do better the next week. It's a time each week that I can renew my faith and decide again to be a good person and be an example to those around me. I'm so far from perfect, but deep down I WANT to do what's right. I have many vices, but still I keep going...keep trying to be better. I'm so thankful that I was raised to believe and to commit to truly living the gospel of Jesus Christ...not just when I want...or when it's convenient or easy...but all the time.

Today, I will consciously strive to rest my body and restore my spirit. Tomorrow, I will consciously strive to be a better person in every way.

NO WORKOUT OR CARDIO/ REST DAY

Day 9...it's not ALWAYS as bad as it seems...

I was worried about today's workout...worried it was going to be to hard and that the weight would be too much on the first exercise, but while it was challenging...it wasn't nearly as bad as I had assumed...not at all. I just never know what to expect. I LOVE that. I LOVE never really knowing...always guessing...anticipating. I LOVE that tiny bit of fear that stays with me everytime I go to the gym. If I'm not afraid...I'm not pushing myself hard enough...not progressing...not living up to my full potential...not respecting what I've been taught and the person that taught me. Eventhough I hate working out alone and miss the laughs and talks...the mindless luxury of showing up without any thought and letting someone else do the counting, timing, and thinking...I feel confident. I own it. I go in rooms and set up my workouts. I keep track and count. I have been successful at completing WEEK 1. That feels good....

WEEK 1/ DAY 6
(5 min warm up-3 min elliptical/2 min jumprope)
100 SDHP 45#
50 THRUSTERS 45#
30 PULLUPS (jumping)
(30 minutes to complete)

CARDIO
30 minutes elliptical (no hands/crosstraining prog-level 10)

This workout wasn't too bad, although I did struggle to get through my cardio. I SO wanted to stop at about 13 minutes. It was hard to truly tell how I truly did because I got interrupted for 10 minutes or so in the middle of the SDHPs by the gym owner Mr. C. He had seen me doing my 2 min of jumproping warm up and came in the room I was in to tell me that I was going to kill my joints jumping the way I do. He insisted on "teaching" me how to do it the "right way". I'm smiling and thinking...screaming...in my head, "CALGON! TAKE ME AWAY!" I humored him, because I didn't know what else to do. Then I couldn't shake him for 10-15 minutes. All I could think was, "My heart rate is dropping!...I don't care what a tough guy, expert, strong, fighter guy you are!...Oh great! Now everytime I jumprope, he's gonna be watching...critiquing...etc. etc. etc." He gave me some good tips, stood REALLY close to me, and told me a strange politically incorrect story about training with ballerinas years ago and what "fags" (his words...several times) they were but how hard it worked him and his strong fighting buddies. I wasn't sure how to get away. Mentally, I just curled up in a fetal position and went to a "happy place" until he ran out of crap to say and left so I could continue. It's so weird. I feel so vulnerable now in a way. When I was with W, no one bothered me or approached me...now it's weirdos following me, asking me questions, trying to make small talk. Good thing I could "take" most of em! =) ha! Today was a strange, good, hard, easy day. No worries...no complaints!

Day 8...first day on my "new" foot

My foot is still sore, but it IS feeling a bit better after getting a steroid shot yesterday. I am really interested to see how long this workout takes. I hope it takes a while and kicks my butt. I need to work hard, because I feel SO fat right now. I feel like my control has slipped a bit. I feel like I'm eating bad and I'm tired all the time. I'm sure it's emotional...I feel depressed and every afternoon, I just want to sleep...which is so NOT me normally. I usually reserve sleep for nighttime. I AM tired, but I honestly think I just want to escape feeling frustrated...lonely...sad...lost. Now that all my kids are in school and my friend is gone, I feeling like I'm just "floating"...existing without a purpose. I'm excited to workout each day, but when I'm done and I come home...and I'm alone...with nothing to do...the excitement fades and I just go through the motions until the day is done and it's time to start the process again...the same way...day after day. I need to change that. It's weak and not productive in ANY way. I need to figure out what I want and how to get it. I need some motivation...a goal...a purpose. For now, I'm gonna do one of the things that always makes me happy. I'm going to the gym and I'm going to work hard.

WEEK 1/DAY 5
(warm up 5 minutes on crosstrainer)
25 X PULLUPS
50 X DB DEADLIFTS 50#
50 X PUSHUPS
50 X BOX JUMPS ON 18" BOX
50 X DECLINE SITUPS
50 X HANG CLEANS 45#
25 X PULLUPS
(35 min to complete)

CARDIO
30 MIN ON ELLIPTICAL/CROSSTRAINER
(stretch for 5 minutes)

I wanted to do 40 minutes of cardio, but after 30 minutes of the crosstrainer set on "hills" program, my foot was really bugging me. Other than that, it's feeling so much better. This was a good workout. The hang cleans slowed up my time and I had to do the DB deadlifts 10 at a time, rest 30 sec to a minute and then continue. It was harder than I expected, I felt really strong though. People were looking at me like I was crazy when I started up with the hang cleans (especially one of the "evil step sisters" that hates on me, the brunette psuedo aerobics teacher...I'll probably see her trying it on Monday with her sidekick). I guess it's okay though...It keeps em all wonderin' and keeps me humble and motivated to do my best...especially since I feel like I have an audience most days.

Day 7...running scared

Today I was suppossed to run 5K and do some abs...I kinda wish I had a list of ab workouts/options. I hate doing abs because mine are weak...and mine are weak because I hate working them...it's a vicious cycle. The last time I was timed running 5K, I did it in about 24 min. I didn't care how fast I ran it today, I just wanted to run it in at least 24 min. I ran on the treadmill at the gym so that I could easily know exactly haw far I was going and have the time displayed right in front of me. I called today's entry "running scared", because I was kinda scared to run today. I wasn't concerned with endurance or ability...I was scared because my foot is hurting and I have a doctor's appt today to see what's going on. My worst fear/nightmare is that I will have to rest or need surgery. I can't rest. I HAVE to exercise...hard...everyday. It keeps me sane and it quiets the voices in my head. The voices of the old, out of control, fat me that creep up to tell me that I'm still fat...eventhough I'm not...or that I'm still weak...eventhough I'm strong. I just NEED to workout.

WEEK 1/ DAY 4
RUN 5K (3.1MILES)
ABS

Well, I ran...and it hurt...but not as bad as it does sometimes. I think cutting out running on concrete trails is helping...eventhough I love that shady trail. I've also VERY RELUCTANTLY given up high heels and wedges...JUST for NOW...not even because it's best, but because it hurts so bad that I limp and look like a handicapped preteen on heels for the first time. Anyways, I walked for 5 min to warm up, and then restarted the time and ran 5K. It was hard. I forget how unforving and unrelenting the treadmill is. I forget that when I run outside I tend to slow down when I'm tired and speed up when I ready to be done. Treadmills force you to keep the pace you've chosen. It's also nice to be distracted by your surroundings, rather than feeling like a hamster on a wheel. I was sweating like crazy and people gave me the "why are you running so fast, you weirdo?!" look, but I finished in 22 min 58sec. It wasn't "Pre" speed by any stretch of the imagination, and the Olympic track and field team won't be calling, but I did what I set out to do. I beat my previous time. When I was done, I walked at 15 degrees incline (holding on) at 4.5 speed for 15min and then set off for ABS. I did 25 flutter kicks (2 sets), 25 scissor kicks (2 sets), sit ups touching alternating toes w/ legs spread (25 each foot/holding a 3 lb medicine ball), 15 laying on my back - handing the swiss ball to my feet and back up to my hands (2 sets), 25 side to side medicine ball rotations while sitting with legs bent and slighly leaning back (2 sets). I wanted to do more, but I had to go home to get ready for the podiatrist.

I went to the doc and she examined me and took x-rays. She asked if I had had a previous stress fracture, because it appeared that I had one that had healed or was almost healed. I had no clue...I guess that's the down side to learning to deal with pain...you can hurt yourself and not even know it. She said she would take more x-rays in 2 weeks to watch that. She said that I have a neuroma between my 2nd and 3rd toes. It's basically nerve damage from overuse, or high heels, or pointy toed shoes...or all of the above if you're me. She said I could continue to work out. Yeah! She also said that she would give me a steroid shot in my foot to help calm it down and ease the pain. She did. Once again, I freaked out a doctor because I just sat there as she shoved a long skinny needle in my foot and injected the burning steroid in my foot. She had warned of me of pretty bad pain that would last about 10 seconds, but it really wasn't bad. She asked with a puzzled look, "Do you even feel the burning?!" I said, Oh, yeah...I feel it, but I'm fine." I guess it WAS true when a trainer (not mine) at the gym called me a "pain freak". She said it'll feel much better over the next few days, and to do what I wanted with exercise, but avoid high heels for 2 weeks (UGH!). If this does not work, I will have to have a series of injections that basically kills the nerve. Untreated, people live in pain, with numbness and tingling, permanent damage, and the sensation of walking on an eraser...No thanks! Kill the nerve if necessary...I've got plenty more. If Dilios could live with only one eye (the spare God saw fit to grace him with), surely I can get along with one less nerve in my foot!

So, I'm home and feeling a wave of relief. I hope this gets better soon and that I don't have a healing stress fracture. I'm so glad I didn't allow the neurotic, psycho part of me cancel my appointment, because ignorance is NOT always bliss...it's just ignorance.

Day 6...I feel like an elitist monster

I went to the gym to do my workout today. I set up the bar (added 2 10# plates to equal 65# total) and did one thruster to see if it felt "right"...because I thought the last time I did this at the "warehouse", "compound", "hell hole"...whatever you wanna call it, we determined that I couldn't do that many with that much weight and I just did it with the bar (45#). I took the plates off and just used the bar. It seemed easy until I got to like 6 and then I knew this was heavy enough to do 21. I did the first two rounds (21,15) with the bar only, then added 10# to make 55# for the last set of 9.

WEEK 1 DAY 3
THRUSTERS @ 65#
PULLUPS
21,15,9
SUMO DEADLIFT HIGH PULL @35#
PUSHUPS
21,15,9

CARDIO
4O MIN ELLIPTICAL (no hands)
5 MIN STRETCH

I again finished this in 30 minutes including rest here and there. It was challenging at the higher numbers, but overall it wasn't too bad. Then I did 40 min on the mean, handless, elliptical that always used to wind me and kick my butt. I put the resistance on 9 and did a crosstraining...up and down...program. I burned a little over 480 calories, but it didn't hurt me like it used to. I was going hard and fast...I didn't slack, but I was surprised by how much stronger I am. I felt like a freak...a monster...not in a bad way...in a surprised way.

I stretched in front of the window to the room where the aerobics/cardio classes are held...where all the cardio crazed...or "cardio-rexics" as I call them... gather faithfully everyday. I feel bad, because as I watched all the "cardio-rexic" mommies jumping around like crazed bunnies that are confused...I found myself thinking really mean, weird things like..."Why do they love doing this crap? None of them look good...most are overweight and the rest look weak and jiggly! Shouldn't the instructor at least look good? strong?" As I stretched...and watched what looked like a train wreck to me...and internally scoffed at them and thought how glad I am that I don't "need" those classes...something occurred to me. I realized that maybe that is all they know or even all they want to do...that even though I think they are weak and do way too much cardio or that they are not in the best shape...at least they are doing SOMETHING.

I felt a little guilty...like an elitist workout monster. I silently apologized for the words they didn't hear...and then I was filled with immense gratitude. Gratitude for the opportunity that I had to work with an incredible trainer for a year. The way my attitude has changed and the strength and courage that I have found, are priceless to me. Instead of putting the "cardio-rexics" down...I need to remember where I came from....200 lbs, out of shape and miserable...to where I am today...strong and healthy and armed with knowledge. Knowledge that helps me be better and stronger...to do more than I have to...to push harder than I thought I could...to appreciate the pain and what it does for me...to do something different than EVERYBODY else is doing. (even if you never see this...thanks, w)

Day 5...looks can be deceiving

This morning I cracked open my book of workouts, found today's workout, and started to worry. Normally, I would worry that a workout will be hard or push me to a place I may not be ready to go that day, but today was different...quite the opposite, in fact. I thought out loud, "This is too short...too easy..." I wondered aloud, "Did my trainer realize how short today's workout would be? Did he forget how fast and strong I can be when I want to be? or that I always workout for almost 2 hrs??? What was he thinking?". However...I made W a promise that I would stick to the plan that he provided me with...no exceptions...no additions. I also know from my past experience with him that he DOES know a thing or two...or three and more importantly...I trust him. He's never let me down and always, always given me great results. Sooo... armed with the resolve to keep my word and my water and workout book, I dropped all my kids off at their schools and I headed to the gym.

It has been interesting, because I've had to swallow my pride and ASK for things. I had to ask for a jumprope, because I don't know where they keep them and ask if I could use a room in the back. What do you know? I was just fine...no one was mean...and everyone has been more than willing to lend a hand...in fact, I think they are refreshed to see that I really AM human.

WEEK 1/DAY 2

(warm up for 5 min on crosstrainer)
1 MIN JUMPROPE
12 DUMBBELL SWINGS (30#)
REPEAT 10 X
THEN...RUN 1/2 MILE AT TOP SPEED

CARDIO

35 MIN RECUMBENT BIKE (SET ON RANDOM HILLS)
5 MINUTE RUN ON TREADMILL

I was surprised at how difficult the workout was. I was beet red and sweating like crazy. It didn't take long. I would do 2 rounds, rest for a minute or two, and then begin again. It started out easy and by the 4th round I was hotter and more tired than I expected to be. I wasn't wiped out, but I could tell that I was exerting myself. I was drop dead tired after the 1/2 mile run at top speed. I had to rest for 5 minutes before I did my cardio. All in all, it was good. I may have to go to the doctor, because my foot was hurting like a ....(fill in the blank with your choice of a number of bad words). It ached the entire time and it is still really bothering me...hours later...even after icing it.

It took me 30 MIN to complete the jumproping and DB swings, 3min 32 sec to run 1/2 a mile, 5 min to recover, 40 min for cardio, and 5 min to stretch. TOTAL WORKOUT TIME START TO FINISH= 1 HOUR 23 MIN AND 32 SEC.

I hope this is enough. I'm used to working out longer, but it could be that it's taken me an extra 25-30 min because I was talking and laughing before. Now...it's all me and it's all business. I guess time will tell. I just hope it tells me what I want to hear.

POSTSCRIPT...
OBVIOUSLY I underestimated the past two workouts, because as I sit here at 10pm with ice on my knee and ice on my foot...I am feeling very sore. I'm sore under my arms...on my shoulders...in my quads...my chest...Man, I'm sore all over! W- you got me again! That's why I love ya!

Day 4...I can do this!

Well, it's my 4th day alone...but it was really like my 1st. It was my 1st day to go to the gym, warm up, lift, and do cardio. It was my 1st day of following the workouts in my book...my 1st day without anyone to talk to to...my 1st day of setting up my own weights...my 1st day with no one to push or encourage me. It was just me. I was worried about what would happen...worried that I had let myself become crippled and dependant...worried that I wouldn't accomplish what I normally am able to...worried that without someone to tell me, "Cmon!" and "Don't you stop!", I would listen to the ghosts of the past in my head telling me that "I'm worthless"...that "I can't."...that "I'm no good"...that "I'm weak"...that "It's too hard.".

It wasn't like that. I went to the gym. I stood tall, and I did the workout without any problems. I felt strong and confident. In fact, it almost seemed easy...maybe because I had built it up so much in my mind. I hope I'm sore tomorrow, so I KNOW that I did something today. I was able to put the weights on the bar and do my squats. I was aware of my form. I squatted as deeply as I could and didn't race through them. I feel better. I missed the fun and laughter and companionship of my trainer; my friend, but he has taught me well. He taught me to fly, so to speak. When the time came for me to leave the nest, I didn't fall...I flew...I flew like I had been flying forever. I'm not sad. I'm okay.

WEEK 1/DAY 1

SQUATS @ 55#
PULLUPS
PUSHUPS

21,18,15,12,9,6,3

For CARDIO:
I chose 40 min on the elliptical (cross trainer) 450calories

I warmed up for 5 min on the elliptical, and got through the 1st part in 30 minutes. Then, I did my cardio (with the ball of my foot, not hurting...but burning) and stretched for 5 minutes. The entire workout only took 1 hour and 20 minutes. That's so short for me, but I promised W that I woud follow his plan and not add ANYTHING to it. One day down...only about 140 to go...but who's counting?!?

Day 3...a true day of rest

Today is Sunday. The one day that I never workout...no matter what. For me, it is the Sabbath. It is always truly a day of rest and renewal...both physically and spiritually. I approach tomorrow...the first day of following the workouts provided to me by my trainer that is now gone...with some fear and trepidation. It's been so long since I worked out alone...other than on Saturdays, where it's just a free for all, do whatever I want day.

The fear comes from inexperience. Sounds crazy, but for a year, I have never set up a weight or thought about anything...I haven't even counted my own reps. I have relied on someone else to take care of that. He taught. Now comes the test to see what I've learned. The trepidation comes from the anticipation of how I will feel...emotionally...alone...without someone to encourage and push me. It comes from apprehension. Apprehension over whether or not I can go as hard or as long when I'm alone...when I'm not accountable in person to anyone but myself. I guess soon I'll know...I'll know tomorrow if I really am what I profess to be...what I want to be...someone that gives all I have and then some...someone that endures and respects the pain...someone that can accomplish what others cannot, because they will not. I have to do my best and overcome my fear and embarrassment, if not for me...for my friend...my teacher.

NO WORKOUT OR CARDIO/ REST DAY

Day 2...the run from hell...

Today I thought I'd take a little Saturday morning run. That shouldn't be too bad and I am suppossed to be resting for the rest of this week, so I'm avoiding the gym and it's temptations. I think to myself, "hey...i haven't taken one of my highway runs in a while...i'll get my ipod and run the shorter of my two highway routes. i won't rush...i'll just enjoy the sunshine and my tunes. should be a piece of cake!" WRONG! I started off at 10:05. I'm a little stressed because I have to be back to pick up Sydney from a sleepover @ 10:30. My friend won't mind if I'm 5 min late. I take off from my street and as I run down my street and turn on National pkwy, it starts. I can't get my breathing right. It feels like my butt weighs 200 lbs and I'm dragging it behind me. I just started and already I'm hitting a wall. That happens...I tell myself that the pain will subside and I continue to run past the golf course. I get to HWY 360 and go North on the South bound side so I can see what's coming towards me at 60mph. The shoulder is very wide so I never feel afraid. I AM DYING! What is wrong with me??? I feel like a novice runner that has never done this before. I HATE runs like this. I continue on. I pass a pile of "roadkill" (not sure what all it was) and notice a vulture circling overhead...waiting for me to pass so he can continue his disgusting meal...or maybe he's waiting on me to die so he can pick MY bones. Sounds dramatic, but felt like a real possibility at the time. I continue on and cross over the hwy at Broad St. and turn to go South on the North bound side...UPHILL!!! I force my body up the incline one painful step at a time and finally hit flat land. It never got easier...I suffered the entire run...even when I rounded the turn back onto my street...the homestretch if you will...it was hard. It was like starving and reaching for some food...your fingers can just graze the edge of the food...but the food is just barely out of your reach. It felt like I was so close and so far away. I just looked down, pressed forward, and made it home. It was a miserable...humbling experience. Just when you think you've got it down...you realize that you never really do. I am thankful for my strong will and my pride...my pride that won't allow me to stop even when it hurts. I'm thankful for the pain...the pain that teaches and refines me. Today's run was hard...the run from hell...but as hard as it was...I made it...and I know that if my friend were to call me right now and ask me to run "an easy 10", I would put back on my shoes and do it all again in a heartbeat...even if I had to crawl the last 9!

CARDIO

4.5 MILE RUN
asphalt -HWY
flat and hills
42 minutes-slow =(

Day 1...alone but capable...i think

I woke up today. The first day without my friend...trainer...coach. I was asked to "take it easy" and "recuperate" for the rest of this week. I usually fight rest, but today I am glad to oblige. I feel nervous...anxious...worried. Can I do this alone? I can. It just won't be as much fun. It will however make my memories that much sweeter. It will also give me something to look forward to again...I hope. I was probably allowing myself to become too dependant...crippled in a way. This will be a time of growth.

CARDIO/REST DAY

2 min intervals on treadmill
for a total of 30 minutes
(rest speed=4.0 & run speed=8.5)

15 min on elliptical
( level 8 )

TOTAL of 45 min

I feel good. My hurt foot was sore, but I wasn't in a lot of pain. It was weird to just do cardio. I honestly can't remember the last time I went to the gym w/o touching a single weight.