Sunday, December 16, 2007

Day 94...sUbMissiOn...

Submission...that's always been a hard thing for me. I could try to find a reason; an excuse as to why I hate to submit to the will of others, but it would be unproductive. The fact is...I hate to submit. It scares me. It makes me feel like a puppet on a string...a helpless puppet controlled by someone else. I have always resisted the will of others as far back as I can remember. I don't think I will ever become truly submissive, but I am learning that submitting does not always mean being controlled. Sometimes it means gaining control through another.

I think one of the most valuable lessons that I have learned from working with a personal trainer, is that sometimes I have to let go...I have to submit to the will of another...for my own good. I'm still learning...learning to sacrifice what I allow others to help me. I have always felt like I don't need I can do it I have to take care of myself because no one else will. The truth is I have never really allowed other people to take care of me...I resist. I resist because I'm afraid of being disappointed or hurt.

W taught me so much about letting go of the control. At first it bothered me; angered me even...then, I began to trust let him help me...mold me. As I grew stronger...became better...I realized how important it was to submit to the process. I'm so grateful for that. It is a gift. I am learning again. I don't know J like I know W, but I DO believe that he sincerely wants to help me be...better; stronger. I have to let go of my fears and insecurities, so that changes can occur. As I learn to trust submit to the will of another...again...I can only grow stronger . Tomorrow is the first day of a new week and I look forward to what it will bring.


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