Thursday, January 31, 2008

Day 139...running for recovery...


I needed a day to recover after yesterday's workout. I decided to just do cardio today. Today it was bare bones...no lists or books with workouts...no cute workout clothes...no makeup...no matching gloves...no trainer. It was just ME...a plain tank...plain grey Soffe shorts...my tunes and the treadmill. It was probably a bit scary for those at the gym, but I NEEDED a day off...from all that stuff.

My hip has had a bit of a twinge starting up again, but I was dying to run...so I compromised with myself (NO. I don't have multiple personalities...at least non that have been "diagnosed"...hee hee). I did run/walk intervals. I cranked it back up to 8.5 on the running part. I haven't run that fast since my time off with my hip. It was hard, but i enjoyed it. AC/DC was blasting in my ears. So good! I had to overcome the urge to sing out loud a few times...especially on "Back In Black" & my all time favorite AC/DC tune "Rock N Roll Ain't Noise Pollution". I looked disgusting, I was sweating like CRAZY, and my hip was a little sore when I was done, but it was so worth it.

CARDIO
-------------
RUN/WALK INTERVALS
3 MIN WALK 4.0 (arms down by side to lower heart rate) / 3 MIN RUN 8.5 (arms up...full throttle)
42 MINUTES
WALK AT 4.4 AT HIGHEST INCLINE (15)
3 MIN
TREADMILL TOTAL = 45 MIN

STRETCH LEGS

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Day 138...aTTeMPteD mUrDEr...

So, I got home from working out today...ate a snack...started a load of laundry...and took a shower...and then I got my phone and asked my trainer if he was mad at me. When he replied that he was not and asked me why, I told him that I thought that he might be because he nearly killed me today with his workout. It was...brutal.

When I was on the second round, I stopped for a moment and thought, "This is too much...I can't do this anymore." I just took it one exercise at a time and continued forward. I was so relieved to start the fourth round...and then...it happened. I haven't dealt with this in almost two months...I got interrupted by a guy during my workout. I am a talker. I never shut up. It's just that when I'm timing a workout and "in the groove"...I DON'T wanna stop forever...maybe I wouldn't mind for one of my favorite people...but not for random folks. A trainer stopped me to chit chat...ask about why I train like a maniac...do you do this?...do you do that?...why aren't you doing this?...what about your diet?...yada yada yada. I always feel like trainers think they know more than their fellow trainers. Don't get me wrong. He DID NOT insult J at all...DID NOT ask to train me...it's the same ol..."If I were your trainer I'd do this or that...If I were your trainer, I'd have you do this..." When I am training and this happens...and it has happened more than a couple of times...I always think..." I don't know why people are so interested in what I do and how I do it. It's either a compliment or an insult...I don't know...but eventually (like 30 minutes later!!!...seriously) I broke free...only to be stopped 10 minutes later when he wanted to thank me for taking time out to talk to him...ENOUGH already man! I smiled...walked the other way briskly...and started back up...again...and I finally finished. I was worn out.

Soooo...today was one for the record books. It was hard, but I appreciated being pushed. J nearly killed me, but I did it...and I survived. Actually, I better than survived. I kicked butt at the gym today!

WARMUP
-----------
5 MIN ELLIPTICAL

WORKOUT
-------------
50 JUMPING PULL UPS  (complete these first and separate) 12 MIN

THEN: 
25 1 ARM KB SWING AND PRESS   (20 LB KB)
4 MIN ELLIPTICAL (1min easy/2min hard/1min easy)
25 REVERSE CRUNCHES LAYING ON BENCH                                                    
50 AIR SQUATS                                                                                       
REPEAT CARDIO ABOVE
20 CRUNCHES REACHING FOR CEILING WITH NO WEIGHT 
25 INVERTED ROWS  
25 DEAD LIFTS (65LB BAR)                            

4 ROUNDS ( 1 HR 36 MIN TO COMPLETE 2ND HALF)

NO EXTRA CARDIO
5 MIN STRETCH

TOTAL "WORKOUT" TIME (including warm up & stretch) = 1HR 58 MIN

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Day 137...just a tuesday...




I don't have anything exciting to say today. I didn't have a bad day. I'm not unhappy. I just can't think of much to say...it was just a Tuesday at the gym.



WARMUP
----------
10 MIN ELLIPTICAL

WORKOUT
-------------
20 Knee Ext (80lb)
20 Leg Lifts
20 Knee Flexion (70lb)

15 Lat pull down (80lb)
25 Incline sit up
20 Reverse flys (40lb-50lb)
2 ROUNDS

Tire flip 25 minutes w/jump and push ups halfway.

CARDIO
----------
30 MIN TREADMILL / SPEED=4.5 (5 min flat-10 min @ 5 degree incline-5 min @ 15 degree incline-5 min @ 8 degree incline-5 min flat)
20 MIN RECUMBENT BIKE (flat course-low resistance-fast pace)

Monday, January 28, 2008

Day 136...more FUN at the park...


Okay, so Saturday was great! The problem is...I am such a worrier...such a "Doubting Thomas"...that when I have a great day like that...I worry about the next time because I'm afraid it won't measure up. I know it's dumb and unproductive and torturous...but it's what I do. Needless to say, I was a little nervous that today would be a "let down"...not because I thought I would fail or because I thought J wouldn't do a good job, but because I would have such high expectations...expectations that couldn't be met.

J texted to say we may go to the park, which was good to know, because the workout pants I was gonna wear would be all wrong for a park day. I changed, got to the gym, and we headed for the park. As soon as I ran around to "warm up", J taught me 2 new exercises (Korean JJs and MFs)...they were KILLERS! My legs were begging for mercy. I don't like new stuff...and I didn't exactly "master" the exercises, but I did it and it hurt...which is good. It wasn't the hardest workout ever, but the individual exercises were challenging and I was DEFINITELY feelin the burn more than a time or two. After he taught me the new exercises and I tried them out, we added a 10 lb weighted vest...that cranked it up a bit.

Anyways, long story short...I was worried that I would be disappointed today, because Saturday was so great...but I wasn't disappointed at all. I had a great time. There were challenging exercises...a good breeze...and the company wasn't bad either. What more could a girl want out of a day at the park?!? I worried for no reason. Today more than measured up. Today was fun.

WARMUP
----------
QUICK JOG @ PARK

WORKOUT @ PARK
---------------------
(WEARING 10lb VEST)
25 KOREAN JUMPING JACKS
25 PUSH UPS
25 MF's
50 FROGGIES
(Move to bottom)
20 SINGLE ARM KB SWINGS (26lbs)
30 TRAVELING LUNGES
20 KB LAT ROWS (26lbs)
CATERPILLAR BACK TO TOP OF STEPS
100 FLUTTER KICKS (counting each movement)

2.5 ROUNDS
(We did some exercises up top before we actually started the circuit.Thats where the .5 comes from)

CARDIO
-----------
30 MIN ELLIPTICAL...HIGHEST RAMP...MED/HIGH RESISTANCE
(after the park...back at the gym...kinda wanted to do more but was pretty tired so I called it a day)

TODAY'S CARDIO SOUNDTRACK= Social Distortion - "Greatest Hits"

STRETCH

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Day 135...resting in peace...

Today is Sunday...the day I rest. I'm so glad that today I can rest in peace. I can rest feeling redeemed...like I rose from the ashes to start fresh again. Somedays, working out seems effortless. Other days, it feels impossible. I have good days and bad days. When I have a day that I whine alot or a day that I'm not proud of my performance, I am hard on myself because I feel like I have failed. I guess I shouldn't be so hard on myself, but I am. I think it is what drives me...what gives me the ability to do more.

On his website, "GYM JONES", Mark Twight says, "Learn something new. Do something different. Test yourself. Confront your true capacities. Instill dedication by threatening yourself with a penalty for failure. Take away the safety net to compel better performance. You have to be willing to bite off more than you can chew, to overdose, and to fail. If you won't risk the answer, you won't ask the question." I believe those words. I've got the "testing" and "penalty" parts down. I'm working on the "new, different, risky" parts. My belief in those words make my life more difficult SOME times, but it makes it more worthwhile ALL the time.

I am resting today with a happy heart and a desire for more. I am resting today thankful for the redemption I experienced yesterday. I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but today I am truly resting in peace.

SUNDAY - REST DAY

Saturday, January 26, 2008

Day 134...jUsT whAt i nEEdEd...


Today was exactly what I needed. My emotions have been all over the place this week. I've been happy some, but mostly sad and disappointed. Days have run together...hours have passed in the blink of an eye, while minutes have seemed to drag. This week has felt endless...until today.

I always wake up and look forward to working out. That was not the case today...today I was dreading the gym. Lucky for me, I was supposed to meet my trainer, J, so I went. I got there a bit late (as usual), warmed up, and got started. J had 2 circuits for me to do. It was a killer, but I really enjoyed it. I worked hard. I laughed. I sweat like crazy. I got dirty. But most importantly, I found what I lost this week. I was so down and unmotivated that I lost the peace and the determination and the sense of accomplishment that I get when I give it my all at the gym...when I push myself...when I enjoy what I am doing...even if it's hard or it hurts. Like Mark Twight says, "It doesn't have to be fun, to be fun!" and I believe that.

J stayed extra long to get me through the entire workout. I really appreciated that. I always thought this about my old trainer and friend, W and today I thought the same about J...those guys don't realize what a difference they make...not just in people's fitness level, but what they do for people's lives...for their self confidence...and their attitude. I wish I could do for people what those guys do and have done for me. They've taught me...encouraged me...made me smile...helped me focus when I'm silly...and distracted me when I'm sad. They make me WANT to be better. They become a friend. I guess that's why it's hard when they move on and I'm left behind. It's like a drug...and I'm always left wanting one more high.

When I was a girl in Girl Scouts and we went on campouts, we were always told to leave our campsite, better than we found it. Today I definitely left better than I was when I got to the gym. I owe most of that to my trainer. He did a great job today. When I left the gym, I looked like crap. I was hungry and tired. My hair was a mess. My clothes were dirty, and I walked a little slower...but I was better...happier...stronger...more alive.

WARMUP
-----------
5 MIN ELLIPTICAL

WORKOUT
-------------
1ST CIRCUIT
25 THRUSTERS (55 LBS)
20 BOX JUMPS
20 CLOSE GRIP TRICEP PRESS ( 45 LBS?)
50 FROGGIES
REPEAT FOR A TOTAL OF 3 ROUNDS

2ND CIRCUIT
OUTDOOR TIRE FLIP (BACK AND FORTH BEHIND BUILDING)
25 HORIZONTAL ROWS
25 DEAD LIFTS ( 75 LBS )
25 OVER HEAD PRESS WITH 35 LB PLATE
1 MIN RINGS - PLANK
REPEAT FOR A TOTAL OF 3 ROUNDS

CARDIO
----------
J wins the prize today. It doesn't happen often..only a handful of times with W...but after 2 hours of pleasure and pain...I couldn't do any cardio. I was too beat...which is a good thing...to sickos like me...

Friday, January 25, 2008

Day 133...i tHiNk i cAn...i cOuLdN't!...

I am getting ready to leave for the gym. I have the worst knot in my stomach. I told J that I made it almost all the way up the rope the other day and now he wants to see for himself. I'm having extreme performance anxiety. I just want to succeed in front of someone that I care what they think. When I did it the other day, I was just playing around while I was talking to R. I didn't care what he thought. Please let me do something right for once.....
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Now, I'm home and I didn't even make it up as high as I did the other day...DANG IT! I should've tried first thing. We waited until the end...my hands are KILLING me (it hurts to type!)...and I was really tired...but I don't think it's an excuse...I should've made it. Part of my problem was that I didn't think I could do it...and I was right...self fulfilling prophecy I guess. Henry Ford said, "Whether you think you can or think you can't, you're right." Chalk one up for Henry!

I just want to please the people I work with...the people I like. I don't want fake compliments or a pat on the head. I want to make them proud to say they train me...and mean it. I want to be a good student...that progresses. I'm too tired too be sad. I'm just a little bummed that it didn't work out like I wanted it to. I can't beat myself up anymore this week, so I'm gonna let it go. Today's workout didn't seem THAT hard..don't get me wrong, it was a good challenging workout...but I'm surprised by how wiped out I am right now. It might have something to do with the fact that I ran for 30 minutes without stopping at 7.8 on the treadmill. That's not so outstanding to someone that runs all the time, but I am happy with that. I haven't been able to run for weeks because of my hip problem and it's finally better. I still get a little twinge every now and then, but for the most part...I'm pain free.

So, today wasn't all I hoped it would be, but it was still a good day at the gym. I hope it's sunny tomorrow so we can "play" outside. It's the most fun when J and I work out together. It won't be as fun now that J's foot is broken and he can't do anything with me, but I look forward to another day anyway.

WARMUP
----------
ELLIPTICAL - 5 min

WORKOUT
------------
50 MEDICINE BALL SLAMS (12 lb)
20 INVERTED ROWS
50 KB SWINGS ( 35 lbs?)

REPEAT FOR A TOTAL OF 3 ROUNDS

20 KTEs
20 SITUPS HOLDING 12 lbs MEDICINE BALL STRAIGHT UP TOWARDS CEILING
20 HAMSTRING CURLS (60 lbs)
20 LEG EXTENSIONS (70 lbs)

REPEAT FOR A TOTAL OF 3 ROUNDS

CARDIO
----------
30 min TREADMILL / 7.8

STRETCH & crawl to the car...

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Day 132...a breath of fresh air...

Today started pretty much like any other day...alarm beeping...kids rushing...making lunches...taking kids to school...and going to the gym. I always listen to my music loud...really loud...whether I'm at home getting ready or driving in my car. Consequently, I miss phone calls in the car when I'm rockin to a good song. I pulled up to the gym with one of my all time favorite bands, Social Distortion, blaring...I was singing, "Take away...take away...take away this ball and chain...I'm lonely and I'm tired...and I can't take any more pain!". I was thoroughly enjoying myself. As I turned the car off, I heard a familiar...unfamiliar sound...a certain ringtone on my phone. I scrambled and dug furiously through the bottomless pit I call a purse to see whose call I missed. I made the out loud gasp sound when I saw who it was...my old trainer...my friend, W.

I immediately called him back and hoped he would answer...he did. He's on his way home (sorta) from Thailand back to Montana. I say "sorta" because to ME home is here. I wondered how it would be to talk again...and now I know...I know he is truly my friend, because it was as if no time had passed. It was ...easy. We talked...we teased...we laughed. I remembered why we are friends...why I miss him so much. I did the elliptical while we talked and the people around me giggled ever so often as they overheard our conversation...especially when we were talking about the new "Rambo" movie that he says I HAVE to go see tomorrow..to which I replied "I'm sorry I love Rocky NOT Rambo...and Sly's body is still hot, but he needs a new head!" I was so happy when I got off the phone. I had a spring in my step and a smile on my face. I was ready to work.

J sent me a workout for today. He has been really nice to send me workouts for the days I am on my own. It was a good workout, but I messed it all up. I read my paper wrong and didn't realize until the last round that I was supposed to be doing the elliptical in between each round...which makes a BIG difference. Hate it when I'm an airhead like that! I was in a great mood, but my body didn't want to cooperate. Mentally I was fresh and excited and ready, but physically I felt sluggish and tired...weird considering I went to bed early and slept HARD. Regardless, I finished...did some more cardio and left to have lunch with my daughter at school.

Today is like a breath of fresh air. It's been cold and dreary outside, and I've felt so heavy and burdened the last couple of days. Today it's cold, but the sun is shining and I feel good. I've laughed and worked out hard and spent time with my princess, what more could I ask for.

CARDIO
----------
30 MIN ELLIPTICAL

WORKOUT
-------------
20 Lat rows in a hovering squat position
50 Froggies no hands
20 Jumping pullups
50 Ball slams
50 Squats

3 round with 5 min elliptical in between ( the part I messed up )

THEN:
Lat pulldowns 15 reps x3 sets (do the lat pulldowns separately / after the circuit) 90 lbs 1st set/ 80 lbs 2nd set / 70 lbs 3rd set - I think I was a little ambitious on the weight. It nearly killed me and I had to do half wait 30 sec and do the rest on each set...I just so want to be stronger so I can do some freakin pullups!!!

MORE CARDIO
-----------------
20 min fast walk on treadmill
stretch

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Day 131...beTTer...


I feel...better today. I can't say I'm giggling and spreading sunshine and rainbows wherever I go, but I'm much better than I was last night. My workout went better too...I still struggled a bit with motivation...but I was definitely more focused than last night.

There's nothing exciting to report. The single arm KB swings were harder than I thought. They made my forearms burn. The burpees with a star jump were bee-yotches as usual, but I did them and with really good...really high jumps. The best part was that while I was talking to a trainer from my old gym, R, I decided to try climbing the rope and I almost made it all the way up. Yea! I got scared that I wouldn't be able to get down because my hands were hurting and I was tired so I stopped about 3/4 of the way up. It was a definite improvement. I guess all those "rope pulls" J has made me do are paying off. It took all I had to finish with KTEs and leg lifts, but I did them...the best I could.

I'm glad my workout is done for the day...but mostly I'm glad I feel better.

WARM UP
------------
Elliptical 5 min
Rope Pulls 5 sets of 5!!!

WORKOUT
--------------
Single Arm Swing 15# KB (50 EA ARM-Lower back,quads,glutes shoulders)
Froggies w/out hands on floor (50 upper lower abs, lower back)
Lat Rows in lunge position 20#KB (20 Lats,biceps,quads (isometric),abdominal (isometric)
Burpee w/ star jump at end (25 )
Arm Step ups (1 min)

Repeat 3 times

After done...25 knees to elbows and 25 leg lifts

CARDIO
------------
40 min elliptical hills
stretch



TODAY'S SOUNDTRACK:
----------------------------
The Killers-"Shadowplay"

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Day 130...diSaPPoiNtmEnt...

I love to workout. I'm not naturally athletic and I mess up alot. I'm goofy and awkward, but I still enjoy it...most of the time. When I have a good day...I'm happy and when I don't have such a good day...I'm really disappointed...even sad. I got some news today that made me very discouraged. I looked forward to going to the gym and working hard and forgetting. I went...but I did a terrible job and I couldn't stop thinking about what I was there to forget.

So now...I feel...worse...weak....unsatisfied. It's my fault. I never know when to stop...when to take myself out of an impossible situation. I knew it wasn't going to end well 10 minutes in to my workout. I've had this happen before. It's hard to separate yourself from an impossible situation when there's someone else involved. I know that if I walk out..no matter how politely...the other person will feel responsible...bad...so I stay. I tried to smile and laugh to cover the way I was really feeling. I held back the tears the majority of the time...tears that started falling as soon as I left the gym and got into my car. I wanted to do well...but I didn't...I couldn't. When I don't do well, I feel like I'm letting my trainer down. I felt that way with W before and I feel that way with J now. I know it's in my head, but it's the way I feel.

I struggled through my workout. I'm so glad that I got my cardio done early this morning. I'm disappointed in myself, but tomorrow is a new day. Hopefully it will be better.

WORKOUT
---------------
Jumping Pull ups (varied, next time stickin to the negatives) - no idea how many reps;)
15 Tricep Press Down 70lbs
15 Bicep Curls with Rope
Ring Planks (30 sec,30sec,1min)

3 rounds

20 Dead Lifts 75Lb
25 Squat w/press 25lb
25 Leg Lifts

3 Rounds

CARDIO
------------
30 min Elliptical (resistance / intervals
30 min intervals on treadmill (2 min warmup walk/3 min run/3 min walk ... YES I said run and it didn't hurt! Yea for that!)

Monday, January 21, 2008

Day 129...harder than I expected...

Today I was on my own again. I looked through my book of workouts, and then decided to make one up myself...similar but different. It turned out to be a bit harder than I expected. I'm so hyper aware of other people at the gym when I'm alone. I felt like people were staring at me, but I tried not to focus on them. I just focused on my list and finishing. I wasn't sure I would survive the last set of burpees/pull ups. My hamstrings are very tight and sore, and at times I was gasping for breath, but I felt strong today. I felt good.

WARM UP-5 MIN ELLIPTICAL

WORKOUT
------------
1 MIN MEDICINE BALL SLAMS (12# BALL)
25 KB SWINGS (35# KB)
50 STEP UPS ON WEIGHT BENCH (25 EA LEG LEADING)
25 PUSH PRESS 40# BAR
25 BURPEES WITH A PUSHUP AND STRAIGHT INTO A JUMPING PULLUP
40 ALTERNATING BICEP CURLS (15# DBs / 20 EA ARM)
2 MIN ON RECUMBENT BIKE - MED/HIGH RESISTANCE AT A QUICK PACE
REPEAT 3 TIMES

TIME= 51 MIN

CARDIO
----------
40 MIN INTERVALS ON ELLIPTICAL
5 MIN STRETCH

TOTAL TIME = 1 HR 41 MIN

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Day 128...listening...

I sometimes dread Sundays, because it's such a struggle to get my kids ready for church and get there on time. I feel bad, because NO ONE listens to me...which leads to a "Mommy Meltdown". I start out calm and end up crazy and frustrated. I run out to the car in my high heels every week grumbling about how no one listens...feeling like a failure.

I've always been hard on myself. I never remember a time in my life that I felt really good about myself. Unfortunately, I went through some things as a child...bad things...that forever made it hard for me to like myself. No one will ever be tougher on me than I am. I sometimes struggle with listening just like my kids do. I listen to all the self deprecating thoughts in my head and believe, but I don't listen to the voices around me telling me that I can be...that I am...all the good things that I want to be. I try to listen to others...but it's hard to change when it's all you know. I seem to have no problem listening to myself..to all the bad things in my head. Maybe if I try telling myself good things...I'll start listening to that voice. I need to forgive myself for the things that weren't my fault...things I couldn't control, and control the things that I can...my attitude...my feelings...the way I treat myself. I need to start listening to the good...and believe.

I had some hard days last week, but today I'm looking forward to starting a new week with a better attitude.

SUNDAY - REST DAY

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Day 127...on my own...

I feel so much better...and I'm so glad, because I was on my own today. I didn't get to the gym until 12:30. I warmed up. I laid out my list and got what I needed for my "circuit". I wrote down my start time, and got to work. The workout went well. It wasn't too long, but it was challenging at times. Doing ball slams, burpees, and KB swings back to back wasn't hard strength wise, but I was struggling to catch my breath in between. I just tried to keep going with as little rest in between as possible. I got a few perplexed looks, but I got my workout done pretty quick and moved on to cardio. Today went well. There was nothing eventful or out of the ordinary...just a good workout..on my own.

WARM UP
------------
5 MIN ELLIPTICAL
5 ROPE PULLS (UP & DOWN) W/ STIFF LEGS AND FEET UP HIGH
(didn't time how long pulls took)

WORKOUT
-------------
20 ROMANIAN DEADLIFTS (STIFF LEGGED) 70# BAR
20 BURPEES WITH A STAR JUMP AT THE END (NO PUSHUP)
20 MEDICINE BALL SLAM (12# BALL)
20 KB SWINGS 35#
20 SITUPS ("OLD SCHOOL" WITH FEET ANCHORED)
20 SUMO DEADLIFT HIGH PULLS 35#
FARMER'S WALK (DOWN AND BACK WITH 2 DBS (35# EA)
REPEAT FOR A TOTAL OF 3 ROUNDS

WORKOUT TIME = 26 MIN

CARDIO
----------
30 MIN ON RECUMBENT BIKE / VARYING RESISTANCE INTERVALS
25 MIN ELLIPTICAL (CROSS TRAINING PROGRAM - MED RESISTANCE)
STRETCH

TOTAL TIME AT GYM= ABOUT 1 HR 35 MIN

Friday, January 18, 2008

Day 126...holding on...

Today has been really hard. I feel so sad. I didn't want to get out of bed, but I'm a mom...I CAN'T be selfish like that. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to make it through training today. It's hard to train like this when you can't focus...when you feel like you have nothing left to give. I decided this morning that I just needed to hold on...even if I feel like I'm hanging by a thread...because as hard as today may be...tomorrow will be better...it has to be...it always is....so I just had to wash my face, hold back the tears, paste on a smile, and press on.

I'm so glad that I went to the gym. The things that are bothering me are still there, but my mood is much lighter. I know I wasn't very fun to be around today, but J was patient and nice anyways. I don't think he has any idea how much that helped me...but it did. I feel better...I smiled...I worked hard. I wasn't anywhere near "top form", because I feel distracted. I was a bit sloppy and silly and I felt a bit reluctant at times, but I did it.

We did rope pulls, star jumps, pushed the water container around, and I did situps with a 15# medicine ball toss in the middle. Then, we went outside and flipped a big tire, did kettle bell swings, and "box" jumps. I attempted to hit the tire with a sledgehammer...but I don't usually do manual labor like that...I'm clumsy so I was a little scared to just let loose...in a nutshell..I sucked when it came to the sledgehammer. It's okay...we got a few laughs out of it...I was the comic relief. This is not an exact list of what we did, but it's pretty close.

Working out was the best part of my day.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Day 125...wHy cAn'T i sToP?...

What is my problem??? Why can't I ever just stop? Why can't I make a decision and follow through? Why do I always second guess myself?

I was feeling really tired and hurting yesterday, so I made a decision. I decided that today I would JUST do cardio...long cardio...and that was my intention when I got to the gym this morning. I got on the elliptical, put it on a hard program, cranked up the resistance, and got started. I planned on 45 minutes on the elliptical and 15 min on the bike or treadmill. At about the 20 minute mark, I was feeling good..strong...and I thought to myself, "Hmmm. I haven't done Sumo Deadlift High Pulls in forever. Maybe I should do some." I brushed off the thought and tried to stay on course...NOTHING but cardio today! As I wiped the elliptical down after I was finished, I couldn't shake the thought...the thought that I SHOULD do MORE. I decided that I would just do 50 SDHPs and 50 air squats...THAT'S IT!

I cranked up my ipod and went to work. The next thing I knew, I had done 150 SDHPs and 300 Squats! How did this happen? What did I just do?...these were the thoughts in my mind as I stumbled back onto the elliptical for 15 more minutes. I was just thinking yesterday how nice it was to have smaller legs, but then I turn around and do crazy leg exercises...AM I CRAZY?...or what?!? I can't keep doing the same stuff and expect different results. As my Mom always says, "If you keep on doin what you've always done...you'll keep on getting what you always got!"

All in all, it was a good day at the gym...I just need to control the urge to do more next time.

CARDIO
----------
45 MIN ELLIPTICAL HIGH RESISTANCE-"HILLY" COURSE

THEN:
50 SUMO DEADLIFT HIGH PULLS WITH 40 # DB (150 TOTAL)
100 SQUATS (300 TOTAL)
REPEAT FOR A TOTAL OF 3 ROUNDS

15 MIN ELLIPTICAL MEDIUM RESISTANCE-FLAT COURSE
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A FEW OF THE SONGS THAT GOT ME THROUGH TODAY...
"Dead and Bloated" -Stone Temple Pilots
"Sex Type Thing" -Stone Temple Pilots
"The Diary of Jane" -Breaking Benjamin
"Topless" -Breaking Benjamin
"The Pretender" -Foo Fighters
"Dragula" -Rob Zombie

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Day 124...bRuiSEd, buT nOt bRoKEn....


Today was hard. After printing out my list to take to the gym, I was confident that it wouldn't be too bad...or take too long..especially since I was on my own. I don't like to rest in between exercises when I'm alone. I go non stop...full throttle, because I hate the crazy stares I get. I was wrong...I struggled and it seemed to take forever to finish!

As soon as I started with the rope pulls, my hands were on fire...they feel like they're practically blistered from my fingers to my palms. I just tried to ignore it. To add insult to injury, my forearms feel sore and bruised from me letting the KB hit them over and over again doing snatches last night. WAAA! I could go on and on with my whining, but I won't. The point is...it's hard to workout at night and turn around and workout the next morning...and I was hurting...and it was hard...BUT...I was determined to NOT cheat and do EVERYTHING on the list as best I could. That's what I did. It wasn't pretty or perfect, but I gutted it out and survived. I coulda wussed out and given up. I was alone. I was only accountable to me.

Eventhough, it was hard...and I was tired...and I was feeling physically beat up...I did every rep...every set. I'm so glad that I didn't cheat myself out of a great workout. I might be blistered and bruised, but I'm not broken.

WARMUP - 3MIN JUMPROPE
WORKOUT

Tricep press with rope 20reps-Hold for 2 count at the bottom.
(3 sets)
Close grip Tri Press 40lb/ 25r/ (4 sets)

Circuit
Dead Lifts 65 lb straight bar 25reps
Burpee w/push up and jumping pull up 25reps
Rope pull from stting position 5reps
Bike for 3 minutes fast pace medium resistance
Repeat circuit 3 times

CARDIO
only had time for 10 extra minutes on the bike before I had to leave

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Day 123...i'm toast!...


Tonight's workout was really good. It was hard, but I really enjoyed it. I don't know why working so hard and being pushed to do more is so exciting to me. It makes me so happy...really. When I'm working out...hard...I forget about things that are bothering me...I forget how old I am...I feel like I can be me.

I was missing thrusters...until we started doing them. They are so exhausting and great and horrible all at the same time. I know my legs will be hurting tomorrow. As for the dreaded rope...I've stressed over and hated the thought of trying to climb that rope, but tonight it didn't bother me. For the first time, I WANT to climb that stinkin rope. I'm gonna do it if it kills me! I know this...working on it IS killing my hands. Even with gloves, my hands are hurting...even now...hours later...especially my fingers that weren't covered.

J was fun to workout with...he always is. When we both workout, it makes me wanna keep going. It makes me want to hurry to "keep up". By the end, there wasn't much left. I pretty much ran out of gas trying to do pull ups. I was so tired and so hungry, but I felt good. Once I got home, ate, and sat down with Jake in the recliner, I realized just how tired I am. I wasn't sure I would ever be able to get up. I can tell I'll be sore tomorrow...in more than one place. I always go to bed late. Tonight that will not be the case. I'm gonna shower and be in bed by 10:30, because after that workout...I'm toast!

WORKOUT (best of my memory)
----------------------------------------
WARM UP-3 MIN JUMPROPE / 10 ROPE PULLS TO STANDING FROM SITTING POSITION WITH STIFF LEGS

THEN:
25 THRUSTERS 55#
PUSH WATER CONTAINER ACROSS ROOM-BACK AND FORTH
40 LAT ROWS IN LUNGE POSITION WITH 26.4# KB (20 EA ARM)
40 KB SNATCH (20 EA ARM)
20 FROGGIES
5 ROPE PULL FROM SITTING POSITION WITH FEET ON PLATFORM (J CLIMBED ROPE)
2 ROUNDS

WE PLAYED AROUND WITH RING PUSH UPS IN DIFFERENT POSITIONS

20 BURPEES
20 JUMPING PULLUPS (I DON'T DESERVE CREDIT FOR THIS, BECAUSE I TRIED MANY DIFFERENT THINGS...JUMPING / KIPPING, BUT I JUST KEPT HANGING. MY BRAIN TOLD MY ARMS AND BACK TO PULL, BUT MY BODY DIDN'T COOPERATE)

CARDIO
------------
50 MIN ELLIPTICAL - HILLS (THIS MORNING)

Monday, January 14, 2008

Day 122...experimenting...


Today was...different...not bad...not unenjoyable...just different. J had me meet him at Spirals gymnastics to workout. It was kind of an experiment to see what we could do there. My kids took gymnastics there when they were very little, but I haven't been there in years, so I couldn't remember exactly what all was there. J told me that there is a rope and a climbing wall and all the other regular "gymnasticky" type stuff like beams. I would be lying if I was to say I wasn't nervous...a little distressed even. I knew it could be fun if I would be open...if I would try...if I would just go with it. The problem is...I don't ever...just go with it...but I did the best I could.

It is so weird...I'm not sure I tried for me. I didn't want to disappoint my trainer. It seems like it's easier for me to try to please other people than it is for me to do things for myself. I knew he was excited by the possibility there and I was too...it's just that...I was worried that I would fail miserably. It was hard for me to relax at first. I felt very...hesitant. I knew I was stiff, but I did my best to act as "normal" as possible.

It took quite a while to get set up, to figure out how we could use what was there, and to get started. I was thinking, "I'm not so sure this was a good idea." Everything was miniature...kid sized...so we had to find a way to make it work...and we did...actually HE did. J wrote the exercises on the white board, and I got started. After a short while, J started behind me...soon he was caught up to me. I was freezing when I got in there, but a couple of minutes into the circuit, I was warmed up and shedding my long sleeved shirt. There were parts that were surprisingly hard...but I think the hardest for me was the "left/right jumps" back and forth over two different beams. They were high and I was scared I would fall...and guess what???...I did...more than once. I would fly over with such force and so out of control that I would land on my butt. Surprisingly enough, I didn't feel embarrassed. It was actually funny. I've learned to embrace the dorky, clutzy side of me over the last year and a half. It actually loosened me up a bit, and by the time it was all said and done...I went over without falling...I hit my shins on the bar twice...but I stayed on my feet. When we were done with the circuit, I was winded. I survived and I struggled and I fell and my shin was hurting and I laughed and I did alright...not stellar...but I did alright. Most days, that's not enough, but on days like today...days when I am completely out of my element...I'll take it.

We went outside and ran around (J forgot doctor's orders and I purposefully didn't remind him.). It was kinda hurting, but I like to run and I'm so stubborn. We ran around for the next few minutes until he remembered that I wasn't supposed to run. We stopped running and walked to our next "workout area" at the park across the street. That was really fun...except for the monkey bars. My hands were killin me when we were done. I have NEVER in my entire 38 years gone across monkey bars hanging without falling or stopping...so as easy and pathetic as it is...as bad as my hands hurt...I was glad we did it. We went back, gathered our stuff and left. He went back to the gym to train someone else and I went back to the gym for cardio.

So, after all that, here's my honest opinion: Today was fun. Working out at Spirals was a great idea in theory...the only problem was that some things were just too miniature...like the climbing wall and the rope ladder wall. If I can climb right up..it's too easy...too small. Honestly, my favorite part was outside. I didn't love Spirals and I didn't hate it...I was some where in the middle...but that's okay. I asked J what he thought, but I never got an answer. I'm not sure how he felt about it. It was an experiment. It was a change. And, if I was asked to go back...I would...only next time I'll try to be a little more relaxed from the start.

WORKOUT-SPIRALS GYMNASTICS
--------------------------------------
20 Box jumps on beam
20 Renegade Rows (each arm)
20 Box jumps (lower)
50 KB Double arm Swing
10 Rope pull from sitting
20 Push Ups on Pbars
20 Leg lifts on pbars arms locked out
30 Left,right jumps
20 Jumping Pull Ups

Outside
10 box jumps
O-course
80 squats,80 push ups (side steppin between)

CARDIO
-------------------
45 MIN random course on elliptical (resistance 15)
5 MIN STRETCH

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Day 121...i'm rested and i'm tired...


Because I was sick...and hurt...I've done a lot of resting since Friday. It's been an interesting change to wake up and feel...rested...like it really IS time to get up. I was in bed most of the day Friday, but I got up around 5pm that day and decided that because I was feeling better, I would get up, shower, meet my husband, and go to dinner and a movie. I loved the movie we saw. It made me pause to think about how I want to live the rest of my life. It was fictional and a little over the top, but thought provoking non the less. I have thought about my relationships...about my fears...about all the things that I've never done. It's funny because a couple of months ago, I bought a book called "1,000 PLACES TO SEE BEFORE YOU DIE". I joked with everyone that it almost felt morbid and that I hoped it wasn't a foreboding. I bought the book because I have become such a creature of habit...I always have been. I order the same thing every time I go to restaurants. I go to the same place on vacation and do the exact same thing every year. The list goes on. I do it, because it's safe. I don't get worried and I can't be disappointed if I follow the same plan...every time. The problem is that I am like a robot...and while robots tend to be reliable and make less mistakes...they also do not feel or experience joy. Back when I bought that book, I started to make a list of things that I have never done, but I threw it away because I was afraid that I would look foolish.

I always try to reflect upon the last week or the week coming up on Sunday, especially when I sit down to write. Today I realized that as rested as I feel...I am tired. I am tired of being embarrassed of my own desires. I am tired of giving up on my dreams. I am tired of being afraid...insecure...nervous...all the time. I am tired of being a robot. I want to allow myself to enjoy the rest of my life, rather than continuing on the same way...day after day. I don't want to exist anymore. I want to live. I don't want to be tired anymore...physically or mentally.

NO WORKOUT OR CARDIO/ REST DAY

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Day 120...i tOOk a bEaTiNg aNd i LovEd iT!!!...

I am feeling SO much better. That day in bed did wonders for me! J always tells me how important rest is, but it's so hard for me to...be still...to stop...to slowdown. I'm certainly not back to 100% yet, but I feel close.

J and I trained today, because we didn't yesterday. Today was great! It was such a beat down...in such a good way. What I mean by that is that I was pushed...to the limit. It was hard because I was having a tough time breathing and getting the lung capacity that I'm used to. At one point, my lungs were burning...I HATE that..that's why I don't run outside when it's extremely cold...but that's to be expected considering I'm not totally over being sick. And my legs...they hardly ever burn...but today...they were on fire. That's an accomplishment. This was a great workout. I know it's especially good when I can't finish my cardio. I stopped at 15 minutes, because I was so hungry, I couldn't stand it anymore. I found some Twizzlers left over from the movies last night in my purse and started eating them on my way out. They teased me at the front desk, but I couldn't help it...and it WAS kinda funny. I needed sugar. I was feeling shaky. So I knew it was weird to walk out of a gym eating candy, but a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do!

I feel such a sense of accomplishment when I walk out of the gym on days like today. I won't exactly allow myself to be proud...because I'm always looking for what I can improve upon...but today I felt as close to proud as I'll allow myself to be.

WARMUP
------------
13 MIN ELLIPTICAL

WORKOUT
----------------------------------------------
STRENGTH, ENDURANCE, CARDIO via circuit
MODIFIED ROPE CLIMB PULL UP FROM SITTING POSITION (straight legs-10reps)
 
SQUATS- 50 total-150                                     
DRIVE WATER CONTAINER ACROSS ROOM-(3x's down and back)
DOUBLE ARM KB SWINGS 12kg-50 total-150          
ARMS STEP UPS-1min Total-3min
STAR JUMPS-25 Total 75
ELLIPTICAL HIGH INTENSITY @ STEEP GRADE-(2min)
 
REPEAT 3 TIMES

CARDIO
----------
15 MIN RECUMBENT BIKE

Friday, January 11, 2008

Day 119...sIcK AnD tIReD...

I'm sick. I said I refused to be sick a week ago...but I am...the doctor said so yesterday. I have a sinus infection. My face actually hurts. It's not unbearable...it's just a dull, constant ache. My head feels like it's a pressure cooker and the top is about to blow off. I'm snotty. I'm coughing...etc. etc. etc. In a nutshell, I feel like crap. I never stay in bed when I'm sick. I go go go, but as I write this...I'm just getting out of bed. It's not like I'm deathly ill and can't get up...it's just that I don't want to...which is really strange for me. In the past I would've gone to the gym and be showering and getting ready to go out for the day...that's not the case today. I would've already worked out today, but J had to be somewhere early and we couldn't work out a time to train that worked. I was a bit bummed, but now I'm glad to have the opportunity to rest...kinda. P and I are supposed to go to dinner and a movie without the kids, so I'm taking my antibiotics and resting up in hopes that I'll feel up to it tonight.

I'm gonna get on my elliptical with no resistance and just go at a normal pace for an hour...if I try to workout like I normally do...high resistance and fast paced...I'll never make it. I probably shouldn't do anything, but I am going to so that I don't beat myself up for it for the rest of the day. I'd rather suffer for an hour than suffer for the rest of the day and night. I so need to get over this obsession, but I don't think I ever will, so I just manage it the best I can. I want to lose 5 lbs. so bad. I think about it all the time. So, I'm headed upstairs to continue the battle...the same battle that I fight everyday...the battle in the war against being fat. I can not...I will not lose.

CARDIO
1 HR ON ELLITICAL-FLAT COURSE...LOWEST RESISTANCE

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Day 118...the dreaded doctor visit...


I always hate to go to the doctor when I have a workout related problem. I am so afraid of being told that I can't workout, that I avoid getting help. I know it's dumb, but it's how I am. Today, I'm going to the doctor. I NEED to know what's wrong, because I have never experienced this before. I will push through the pain, but I want to make sure that I am not doing further damage in the process.

I had a great workout with J. He bought some rings for us to use. He made me do push ups and planks while holding onto them. I struggled and I was shaking. It was hard, but good. We did other stuff...close grip shoulder presses lying down (I think that's what it was) and then burpees with a star jump at the end. I think we did 3 rounds...maybe 4. Burpees are so hard. They wear me out, but they are fun. I think I did okay. I tried to do them as well as I could with good high jumps at the end. I tried really hard to keep going and not whine. After that, there was more tricep exercises (tricep pulldowns)...J is gonna improve and strengthen my triceps if it's the last thing he does!...followed by seated rows..but not seated, hovering in a squat position over the bench...followed by shoulder raises(?) with 2 10 # DBs. Again it was 3 or 4 rounds. I tried leg lifts but it hurt my hip too bad. I can never remember it all, but that's an idea of what we did...I probably screwed up the names of exercises, but I am just reporting as best I can.

I signed up for more sessions with J which is good. He left to go check out a gymnastics place that we may try to workout at once a week...different..scary maybe..but it sounds very interesting and possibly very fun. We'll see...I am accident prone so I hope I don't break anything or disappoint him too badly. I finished by doing 30 minutes on the elliptical and 15 minutes of running on the treadmill @ 7.8. Probably a poor choice considering my hip probs, but I wanted one last run before a doctor tells me to lay off the running...I'm sure that's what she'll say. I was hot and tired when I left. Today was good. I hope I still feel that way after my doctor's visit...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
POSTSCRIPT (10 P.M.)...I went to the doctor and got antibiotics for my sinuses and an xray for my hip. I got a call back and they said that they were looking for any type of fracture or any signs of early arthritis (that didn't make me feel old at all!). The xray came back normal so she said I probably just strained something and I've probably been aggravating it by running. Consequently, I was told to lay off the running for at least a week...I KNEW she would say that, dang it! She said the bike or the elliptical were fine. If I'm not feeling better in 2 wks, I have to go for a MRI. I hope it gets better...soon.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Day 117...pain and perseverance...


My hip is killing me and I am so frustrated. I just want to workout. I want to work out hard...everyday...is that so bad?!? It scares me when I am in pain, because the thought of being truly injured and having to take time off or slide backwards is incredibly depressing and overwhelming to me. I know I should stop when I am in pain, but I just can't. I NEED to workout. I NEED to feel the sense of accomplishment. I NEED to be sore so I know that I gave it my all. So, I called the doctor, but I can't get in until tomorrow afternoon. I'm going up to the gym to see what I can do. This is a big deal, because it's the first time I'm going up to Utopia without J. I mean this ridiculous fear of going alone has got to end...actually, it IS ending...TODAY.

CARDIO
RECUMBENT BIKE (30 MIN-RANDOM PROG)
ELLIPTICAL (25 MIN MANUAL PROG)
TOTAL TIME = 1 HR

Amazingly, I went alone to the gym...like a big girl...and nothing bad happened. I'm so glad I got that stupid fear out of the way. I was surprised that I felt NO pain riding the bike. The elliptical only hurt if I created an incline or raised the resistance to high. I limped out, but I was glad that I went. My shoulders are killing me from my workout with J at the park...so I'm feeling pretty beat up, but I refuse to give up.

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Day 116...a dorky girl...a medicine ball...some mud...and the woods


Well, today I really did it...AGAIN! I am...the biggest dork ever. I'm sure it is such a disappointment. I come across so tough...so together and confident...and then it happens...I have one of those days...those moments when someone that I want to like me realizes exactly how awkward...how dorky I am. Today was one of those days when I had one of those moments...

I went to the park with my new trainer this morning. We had a great workout. I loved it. We worked out together side by side. We were running around and jumping. We used the monkey bars for pullups and climbed the "fireman's pole". It was so fun. At the very end, my trainer, J, decided that we would play "a game". He would throw the 15 pound medicine ball and I would "fetch it" and throw back anywhere I wanted. He would run to it and throw it again. The whole point was that you never know where the ball will land so you are chasing it down and then exerting yourself afterwards by throwing this heavy ball with handles. This is a pretty simple concept...for MOST people.

You see...there were 6 levels separated by 5 steps, with grass on each level that went down to a concrete circular area. Because of this, the ball could land higher or lower...side to side...anywhere. The people that know and love me know that you never want to give me a ball or ANY object for that matter and tell me to throw it. At some point, an accident is bound to happen. Things started out okay and then somehow I ended up higher and J was lower. I threw the ball with everything I had towards the bottom. I was pumped...ready to make him run...and THEN...I see the ball hit the bottom concrete and continue to roll...off the concrete...onto the muddy ground..and into the edge of the woodsy area. OH CRAP! It was like I was laughing and then it went into slow motion. I felt like Greg Focker in "Meet The Parents" when he finally hits the volleyball and starts to celebrate and then realizes he's hit someone in the face. J was a good sport...never was mean or mad...although I'm sure he wanted to kill me. He was like "OH!" and went to "fetch" his ball that was across the mud...with new shoes on. He tried to walk softly on the muddy ground and made it to the edge of the trees and weeds. I felt so bad, but every time I looked...I laughed. I was so embarrassed...embarrassed at my poor aim...embarrassed by what a dork I am...embarrassed that I couldn't quit laughing.

We finished the "game"...the one I SUCK at! and got ready to pack up and leave. I was talking to him when I looked over and I saw 3 big scratches on his arm...bleeding. Clueless as usual, I said, "What did you do to your arm?" He calmly replied, "I thought I felt that." Then I realized that when he was in the "brush"...getting his ball...the one I threw...the dry weeds scratched him. WHAT A NIGHTMARE! Looking back, it was funny...for me anyways. I'm lucky that J is so nice and patient and I hope he is forgiving. I bet he'll never play that game with ME again! Now he knows what happens when you mix a dorky girl...a heavy ball...muddy ground...and the woods! Poor guy, he has no idea what he's done taking me on...

Saturday, January 5, 2008

Day 113...it's a perfect day for a run...

My hip has been really hurting. I'm not sure what I did, but it's been very sore even when I am just walking around throughout the day. It was feeling better yesterday before and right after my workout, but towards the evening...it was bothering me again. This morning I woke up SO late...9:30! I feel like I have no gym. I SO don't wanna go to 24HR FITNESS, but I never feel like I can go to Utopia without J, because HE paid my membership there...it's like I'm HIS guest. He says that's not true...that I can go whenever I want, but it feels awkward. I need to get over that stupid crap. I laid around trying to decide what I would do...feeling sorry for myself while I was at it...waah. I made some eggs and decided that although my hip was hurting and I knew I shouldn't aggravate it by running...I couldn't resist. I felt the sun coming through the blinds and I knew that days like this, don't come often in January. It was upper 60s and a beautiful sunny day...a perfect day for a run. I just couldn't waste it. I tanned and then went straight to the trail to run. It was fabulous. There was breeze and sun. I was hot, but not too hot. I thoroughly enjoyed the entire 5 miles. My hip bothered me and still is, but it was worth the pain. I even went on the dirt trail that goes through the trees...the one that W and I used to run on. I haven't ever done that alone, and while it wasn't as fun alone...it was still a lot of fun! Today was the perfect day to run!

Friday, January 4, 2008

Day 112...back in business...


My trainer, J, was back today after being out sick...thank goodness. I love working with trainers, but I'm afraid that in some ways it will cripple me. I probably talk too much which gives me more rest time in between exercises and I fear that I will start to lose the ability...temporarily...to workout on my own in a confident manner. It's funny that I so enjoy what I fear will hinder me. I enjoy the chit chat. I think it's because I have lots of acquaintances and "superficial" friends, but not really good friends that I talk to everyday...not anymore anyways...so before, there were days that I would go without any conversation (at least not any that was enjoyable or two-sided) until my kids come home...pathetic, but true. People see me and always get the wrong impression...they always think I'm snobby and mean. I appreciate the slower pace than when I am alone...going like a maniac...full throttle. I wouldn't enjoy working out as much if we were all business with no talking. I know that these fears are just that...fears...they are not reality. So, I am not complaining or wishing for a change, I am merely making an observation. In fact, I know it's better for me so I'm glad to be working with a trainer again. When I am working with someone, I become accustomed to just doing what I'm told...so weird and polar opposite of my life outside the gym. J had me do a ton of arms...shoulders and triceps...no legs other than the leg strength it takes to assist with kettlebell swings. I hate having big legs...or what I perceive as big...but I also get really worried when I am not doing as much as I once did. W is to legs as J is to arms...they definitely have different areas of focus...but that's okay. I need change. I need to listen.

One thing that I am really discouraged with is pullups. I CAN NOT do pullups. Somedays I could just scream it makes me so mad and frustrated...those days, I feel totally defeated. I feel like a sham...like a faker...like I'm pretending to be strong; tough, but when push comes to shove, I'm not. I wish I could do it...so badly...and I worry that my trainers are as frustrated with my inability to perform as I am...

Today I did close grip presses on the decline bench with 40# (I think), situps on the same bench with a press at the top using a 20# DB. I also did kettlebell swings with 35#, followed by pullups (assisted OF COURSE...which means J probably got more of a workout shoving me up than I did trying to pull myself up). I also did tricep press downs. I finished with 30 minutes on the elliptical. It was good to be back in business...back at a gym...back to familiar surroundings and people.

Thursday, January 3, 2008

Day 111...i hate GOLD'S gym...

Okay, so I know I'm way behind. P and I went to Vegas and had fun, but I didn't exactly work out....I just walked my butt off. Then Christmas came and went and then we went to Utah to visit P's family. I've worked out the entire time except for Sundays, but I haven't had the time to write about it. While I was on "vacation" in Utah, visiting in-laws...I worked out with a travel pass at the GOLD'S gym there. My usual gym went out of business and sold our membership to GOLD'S. I never went to the one here, because we only had 1 week left on our membership. I did figure that I would take advantage of what I had left while I was out of town.

I got to GOLD'S the first day and immediately felt uncomfortable. I felt like all eyes were on me...the person these regular "muscle heads" had never seen there before...fresh meat. It's not like I'm the hottest or best looking...I'm not the skinniest and I don't have that much muscle. In fact, I feel quite the opposite, so when the stares continued, I was suffering some severe anxiety and struggling with my self esteem. I am used to working out amongst middle aged moms and senior citizens. This was NOT the case there. There were hot babes in tiny tops with big boobs and lots of guys...young and old...with lots of muscles doing a lot of showing off. Then, came frustration. There was no medicine balls, and NO open space for squats or lunges. I felt confined to working out like the masses. There were people everywhere in the free weights area...mostly men...men that do nothing but simple, heavy lifting...while grunting...and admiring their own muscles in the mirror...men that have never seen a burpee and couldn't do 20 if they tried...men that NEVER think "outside of the box"...that think the kind of things I do are easy and dumb...men that judge and stare when they should be working...and women that are just sitting there...giggling...with their big boobs.

Their stares made me feel...weird...UGLY...I felt like a freak. I love to workout, but everyday that I was there, I left unsatisfied. I worked out for 2 hours everytime, but it didn't matter. I could've stayed there all day and I wouldn't have felt good when I left. Now I don't know what to do...I'm back home, but...I'm a girl without a gym and I feel scared. My new trainer J is going back to school and still trying to get another job. I'm afraid that one day soon, he'll be gone. My options are limited. It's yucky, little, old Utopia (where I workout w/ J) or new, big, fancy 24 HR Fitness...which is likely to be a similar atmosphere to what I experienced at GOLD'S...and I have decided that I hate GOLD'S gym!!!

Today my trainer was sick for the 2nd day. My hip was hurting yesterday, so I took his absence as an excuse to rest. Today, I did 45 hard minutes on my elliptical at home...followed by 100 "butt lifts" and 2 sets of 20 bicep curls with 12# DBs. I had to quit, because I had yet another Dr. appt. for my aching foot...which is FINALLY feeling better. I feel fat and lazy...I NEED to workout hard tomorrow...NO MATTER WHAT!!!