Monday, March 31, 2008

Day 199...GO SPEED RACER GO!...

I'm a "speedy" kinda girl. I like to go fast! I talk fast...I drive fast...and I exercise fast! So, as much as I stress over...and in some ways hate timed workouts...deep down I LOVE them! Today was a "timed" workout day. It was hard...harder than I tried to make it appear to J. It was great though. I felt SO energized when I left.

My sisters S and K, esp S, and I loved the cartoon Speed Racer when we were kids! I was borderline obsessed with being Trixie. Anyways...all I could think of as I drove off from the gym was the end of the theme song..."Go Speed Racer! Go Speed Racer! Go Speed Racer....GO!" It was playing over and over in my head on the way home.

I thoroughly enjoyed myself at the gym today. These are the days that make the crappy days worth it. These are the days that keep me coming back when I don't want to. I think the "beast" inside is slowly starting to awaken! Today was great!

WARMUP
----------
4 MIN ELLIPTICAL
THEN:
10 PUSHUPS
10 AIR SQUATS
REPEAT FOR 3 SETS

WORKOUT
------------
"FRAN"
21, 15, 9
THRUSTERS (45 LB BAR)
PULLUPS (JUMPING)
TIME = 5:56 (the SAD truth-now I have something to beat!)

THEN:
5 MIN WALL BALL (12 LB MED BALL)

THEN:
5 MIN BURPEE (W/ PUSHUP)- JUMPING PULLUP COMBO


CARDIO
---------
RUN (OUTSIDE-5.04 MILES-CALORIES=493)

This one's for my girls - "Spritle" & "Chim Chim"...ha ha! =D
--------------------------------------
*On a sad, sad note...I thought I had escaped the "evil stepsisters" from my old gym, Century...but to my dismay the crazy brunette troll has reappeared. I know I sound so mean and caddy, but they were so mean to me. They would stand together with a pack of hideous cardio obsessed Moms and glare at me and make comments...always making sure it was loud enough for me to hear. I should be the "bigger" person (FIGURATIVELY...PLEASE!) and ignore them...you know...the whole "sticks and stones" crap...but it always really hurt my feelings...and anyone who loves me knows that when you hurt my feelings...IT'S ON BABY! By the way, if you want to see their faces, look up "HATERS" in the encyclopedia and I'm sure they"ll be pictured. Why can't I escape them?!?! ("That's a rhetorical question, Farley!")

Sunday, March 30, 2008

Day 198..."tHe aRt oF suFFeRinG"...



"Effort and pain may not be avoided. Physical and psychological breakdowns occur. The support of a like-minded group, dedicated to The Art of Suffering, provides a safety net. An individual will push harder and risk more in the company of trustworthy peers..." - Mark Twight - "GYM JONES" website


I'm tired, and I'm sore. I definitely "suffered" yesterday. At one point, I crawled on my hands and knees from one exercise to the next. I KNEW I couldn't stand, but I didn't want to stop. I think J probably thought I was crazy...maybe even dramatic...but if he knew how bad I really felt a few times, it would've made him really nervous. I was afraid I would pass out once...I was literally seeing stars...and I thought I might toss my donuts...MORE than once...but I kept going because I KNEW deep down that I could. I was willing to risk it, because I felt safe knowing I wasn't alone. J was my "safety net".

The only thing that could've made yesterday better would have been to be able to go without stopping. There are alot of people that don't WANT to workout like I do. I respect and understand that. The fact is...you CAN'T workout like I do unless you WANT to. You have to want it bad enough to be willing to suffer...literally. You have to be willing to risk failure...to go until you have no more...to crawl if you can't walk...to do one more when you're not sure how you did the last one. All these things are a part of the "Art Of Suffering".

This past week...I felt pain...I exerted ALOT of effort...I had a few emotional breakdowns after working out...but I am so glad that I'm a headstrong glutton for punishment. I didn't want to go to the gym yesterday. I was afraid of failing...again...but I knew J was expecting me. If I had not gone in...I would've ended my week feeling like a failure. I've given stronger performances that I did yesterday in the past...but yesterday I gave it everything I had. I left it all on the floor of the gym and I was able to leave recommitted. I know this week won't be any easier than last week was, but I'm going to go in tomorrow ready to work...even if it means that I may have to suffer.

SUNDAY = REST DAY

Saturday, March 29, 2008

Day 197...Welcome to HELL baby!...

I love getting my butt kicked in the gym on Saturdays! It's probably the day that I spend the longest in the gym, so I always expect it to be hard. Today was no exception. Today's workout was like having a date in hell. I loved it and hated it. I thought I might throw up...more than once. Amazingly, my hands were hurting...but not near as bad as I thought they would. Maybe I just didn't notice because everything else hurt so bad. My blister popped and now it actually feels and looks alot better. I was tired and hurting when it was over, but I also felt a great sense of relief and accomplishment. Today was really hard, but it was just what I needed after yesterday.

WARMUP
---------
2 MIN JUMPROPE

WORKOUT
------------
DEAD LIFT (95 LBs)
BOX JUMP (22 IN)
RING ROWS (like inverted rows, but holding onto rings)
"MAN MAKERS" (holding 15 lb DBs-down into burpee w/pushup-squat clean DBs and press up into a thruster)
10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
TIME = 44:30

CARDIO
--------
30 MIN WALK ON TREADMILL
5 MIN STRETCH

Friday, March 28, 2008

Day 196...i pReTTy mUcH sUCk...

I know that positive thinking is important...BUT...I'm not feelin so positive after today's workout. I feel like I pretty much SUCK! I was slow and weak and whiny. I'm embarrassed of my performance and now I'm scared to go back tomorrow.

First, I have to say that the "noon" crowd at the gym was...NUTS! One kid kept flexing his biceps and making googly eyes...AT HIMSELF!!! Another guy, literally pulled up his shirt to admire his abs and STROKE them lovingly as well...literally. Then some poor maniac that looked like a 55 yr old accountant came in and played "MR. BIG BAD KUNG FOO M.M.A. FIGHTER DUDE"! It was so crazy that I had to turn my back on him to be able to finish my last 75 jump ropes. At the end, he did some crazy move like "Cmon! Let's fight!"...mind you..he's ALONE! He was "fighting" not only the 2 punching bags, but the metal post as well. I just busted out in hysterical laughing. I know it's mean. I was exhausted and overwhelmed and tired. I had NO control left!

Okay, so on to MY working out...from the beginning, I struggled with the push presses. I like push presses and normally don't have a problem, but I was so tired and feeling so weak...like it took twice as much effort to do what I normally do. The KTEs (knees to elbows) were a disaster. My hands were hurting so bad, and they took me forever. The only thing that wasn't hard was jump roping. That was like a welcome relief...a break. There were 2 specific times when I struggled to not break down and cry. I feel like such a loser...like I can't get it back.

I got done and took off my gloves to see that I have a few nice raised white calluses on one hand...nothing out of the ordinary. The other hand...the one that was hurting so bad...it has a nice big callus that has blood under the skin!


No wonder I couldn't hold on to the bar!
I tried to do cardio, but my body just wouldn't allow it. My legs literally would not run...they were giving out and I was afraid I would fall off the treadmill. Completely defeated...I got my stuff and left the gym...sad...discouraged. I sat down in my car feeling the tears start to well up in my eyes when something told me to check my phone. I checked it only to find out that my friend W had just called.

I called him back and we had a nice talk. He's coming to visit and I can't wait! He distracted me from my "pity party" and kept me from crying without even knowing it. I miss him and wished I could talk to him more...sometimes it makes me feel frustrated...but when I really NEED him...he's ALWAYS there. I sucked at working out today, but I am lucky to have W as a friend.

WORKOUT
-----------
25, 20, 15, 10, 5
PUSH PRESS - 45LBs
KTEs
STAR JUMPS
75 JUMP ROPE

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Day 195...sUpeR sWeaTy...

I am really tired...and I am SUPER SWEATY after today's workout. It was hard to walk out of the gym. I definitely left at a slower pace than I came in, but I feel good. I worked really hard.

I just hope I start to see some changes in my body soon. I'm tired of being disappointed with my reflection. I don't look bad. I think my friends and family think that I'm just fishing for compliments or that I'm completely distorted. I'm not. I know there are women that would gladly trade me bodies, and I'm pretty sure most men wouldn't turn me away naked. It's just that I know that I have and can look better than I look now. I won't lie to myself or try to build myself up. If I do, I'm liable to wake up and be 200 lbs again. THAT...I will not allow. That's why I work so hard. Working out is like my shield to protect me from being being fat.

The cardio sucked! I did a bike program that I haven't done at this gym. The resistance started low and kept changing. At one point, it was as high as 18 and I could barely move the pedals. It was heinous...especially after a hard workout...but I finished! I was SO wet when I left the gym. I was thinking...moisture wicking clothes absorb the sweat, but then you're left wearing a wet shirt. It was gross to be so sweaty, but I'd rather be super sweaty than super fat.

WARMUP
---------
5 MIN ELLIPTICAL
5 ROPE PULLS

WORKOUT
-----------
20 LUNGES
20 HAMMER CURLS (ALTERNATING-15 LB DBs)
20 DB ROWS (15 LBs)
20 "STEP UPS" (22 INCH BOX- 10 LEADING W/ ONE LEG AND TEN LEADING W/ THE OTHER)
20 SITUPS (FEET "ANCHORED" UNDER 2 50LB DBs)
20 AIR SQUATS
RUN .25 MILE ON TREADMILL
REPEAT FOR 3 ROUNDS (36 MIN)

CARDIO
--------
30 MIN RECUMBENT BIKE (PROGRAM THAT VARIES BETWEEN RESISTANCE FROM 1 TO 18)
5 ROPE PULLS
STRETCH

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Day 194...jUsT wALkiNg...

I'm really sore today. J and I agreed yesterday that I would just do cardio today. I'm not always good at sticking to those "cardio only" agreements, but today it wasn't hard to do. I was telling him yesterday that I feel embarrassed to come into the gym and just do cardio. I feel like it's a sign of weakness...failure. Deep down, I know that it's actually a sign of stupidity. I've got to be smarter and take better care of myself...so that's what I did.

CARDIO
----------
1 HR MEDIUM PACED WALK ON TREADMILL

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Day 193...it's too early for this...

I usually get up at the same time and I meet my trainer at 9. Today, I had to meet him earlier. It was only an hour earlier, but I was so tired. I just kept thinking, "It's too early for this!". I don't know why an hour seemed to make such a difference, but it did. Maybe I'm just weak and using the time as an excuse. I do know that my body feels tired and worn out...but I also know that as much as it sucks to feel tired and fatigued...if I keep working...I'll get my strength and endurance back. I knew I must have been really tired this morning, when I got home, and noticed upon going to the restroom that I had put my panties on inside out and been wearing them that way ever since then! Oh geez! In spite of the fatigue that I'm feeling...today's workout was good. The ring pushups were a b*%@h as always, but they will definitely make me stronger...and that's what I want.

WORKOUT
----------
20 KB SWINGS (25LBS)
10 RING PUSHUPS
20 SDHPs (45 LB BAR)
REPEAT FOR 5 ROUNDS (34 MIN)

CARDIO
---------
50 MIN ELLIPTICAL
5 MIN STRETCH

Monday, March 24, 2008

Day 192...sUcKin WiNd...

Today was a challenge. I don't know what exactly I expected out of today...but I didn't expect what I got. J had me do "MAX REPS" for time...3 separate exercises...5 rounds. The clock never stopped. The jury is still out on whether or not I knew that the first round...but it doesn't really matter. I was supposed to just go for as long as I could (as many reps as I could do w/o rest) and then move to the next exercise and then the next one and start all over again when I completed the three...5 times.

My mental focus wasn't very good and my determination left something to be desired. I'm spoiled. I don't appreciate what I have. Maybe that's why I had to go through this trial with surgery and taking time off...maybe it was to re inspire me...to help me appreciate what I have. I work so hard. I don't think anyone would call the way I workout "easy"...BUT...I think it was hard for me to dig..to push today...because I'm used to it coming "easy" in a way. I took my endurance and strength and conditioning for granted. Now that it's gone...I recognize it and I miss it.

The last of the 3 exercises in each round was a half mile run (outside around the parking lot twice). I've run for years, but it was HARD today. I took off fast like I USED to run and it nearly killed me the first round. My lungs were burning...and I felt like I couldn't get enough oxygen despite the fact that I was sucking in air as fast and hard as I could. Towards the end...it felt like I was suffocating...it hurt...it made me feel a bit panicked. In fact, I kept coughing on the way home from the gym. My chest feels weird and I have that feeling like you are about to cough, but holding back. My lungs feel almost irritated from how hard and inefficiently I was suckin wind while I ran.

J did a great job encouraging me. I SO wanted to stop and walk behind the building, but I knew he was waiting to cheer me on as I came around the front of the building and I didn't want to let him down. We both knew I could do better, but he never made me feel like a failure...he just kept reminding me that I could do it...and so...I did.

Today was great, but next time...I'll do better. I'll get more reps...I'll go faster and harder...painful or not. It was a hard workout...stressful on my body and mind, but I did it...and as sick as it may sound...I LOVED every minute of it.

WORKOUT
-------------
65 LB BENCH PRESS (16-15-13-13-10)
JUMPING PULL UPS (15-14-15-16-20)
800 METER RUN (1/2 MILE)

5 ROUNDS (MAX REPS-AS SOON AS YOU REACH "FAILURE", YOU MOVE TO THE NEXT EXERCISE)
43 MINUTES

NO CARDIO
(just TOO tired)

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Day 191...suffering and atonement...

"ACCEPT SUFFERING AND ACHIEVE ATONEMENT THROUGH IT-THAT IS WHAT YOU MUST DO." - Fyodor Dostoevsky, "Crime and Punishment"

Today is Easter. It's a day of colored eggs and chocolate bunnies. More importantly, it's a day to step back and reflect on the sacrifice of our Savior...His atonement...not for His own sins...but for OURs. He suffered and made it possible for us to be forgiven...and for us to become better and stronger through this process.

I hope it doesn't seem like I am cheapening a deeply spiritual concept, but I've thought a lot about suffering and atonement over the past week as I have struggled to get back into shape and come to grips with the fact that it will not be easy or quick. No one enjoys suffering. Most of us avoid it at all costs. Unfortunately, we all have to suffer...at some time...for some reason. I have learned that it is not a question of when or why we will suffer that matters. It is how we react to the suffering and what we do with it that does. Do we fight it and remain stagnant?...or do we accept it and become stronger and better in the process? This is what matters.

I have suffered both physically and emotionally over the past several weeks as I have been recovering from surgery. I have had moments of incredible strength and moments of deep despair and weakness. I mourn the loss of strength and I fight the process of recovery at times. I want instant gratification...immediate healing, but what I need is to be patient and accept the suffering in order to become better...not just physically...but emotionally as well. When I embrace the pain and suffering...when I try to learn from it...move forward in spite of it...I am blessed with an atonement of sorts.

I will try not to be so impatient this week. I will not try to avoid the pain or suffering, but welcome it... accept it instead. I will allow myself to receive atonement through suffering.

REST DAY

Saturday, March 22, 2008

Day 190...pErcEpTioN...

"WHAT THE MIND DOES NOT KNOW, THE EYE DOES NOT SEE."
-----------------------------Ancient Proverb-----------------------------


Perception is an amazing thing. Four people can see the same thing and have four separate views of what they've seen. I wanted to push it a little harder today and see how my body would take it. I set up my little circuit in the back room of the gym and got started after I warmed up. After the first round, I was already feeling tired and wondering if I had made a mistake, but I wanted to finish what I started. About half way through my circuit, a guy came in the room and started doing crunches. I was dying...just trying to get through my workout. It didn't help having some guy watch me. He tried to play cool like he wasn't watching, but every time I looked over, he was looking at me. Spare me! When I got done, I started putting my things away. As I went to go back in the room to grab my water and towel, he said, "I'm going home! I was feeling strong until I watched you workout!". I said, "Well, I'm not feeling so strong. I am a little out of shape from taking some time off, but I'm trying to get it back." He said, "Wow! You looked strong to me." I just thanked him, smiled, and made a little more obligatory small talk before "escaping" to get on the bike to finish with cardio.

It was so ironic...what he said. I was thinking that I looked weak...that I could've done better. Who knows...maybe he was just looking for an excuse to talk to me and he didn't really think that. But I was thinking after he walked away...how funny it was that we could be in the same room and see totally different things. I never see myself or my effort like other people do.

I'm not sure if I overdid it. I was pretty shaky when I made it to the recumbent bike, but I recovered pretty quick. My back feels sore and my belly feels a little weird, but I feel pretty good...I think. I'm sure the KB swings were what did it. It's just that I figure that I have to get back up to speed at some point and it's not going to come without a little pain.

I am glad that tomorrow is a rest day.

WARMUP
-----------
4 MIN ELLIPTICAL
1 MIN BALL SLAMS
(12 LBS)

WORKOUT
-------------
ROMANIAN DEADLIFTS
("RDL"-55LB BAR)
BOX JUMP (22 IN BOX)
KB SWING (25 LBS)
21, 18, 15, 12, 9, 6, 3 (75 TOTAL)
19 MIN


CARDIO
---------
40 MIN RECUMBENT BIKE
5 MIN STRETCH

TOTAL TIME = about 1HR 10 MIN

Friday, March 21, 2008

Day 189..."feelin me out"...

Today was good. I came in earlier than normal, because we were going to spend time together as a family today...and I had a doctor's appointment at 2 PM, so we needed to get going early. J had me do some familiar exercises...exercises that I like and have missed...like box jumps. He wanted to have me do a shorter workout with lower reps, but at a faster speed. He wanted to kind of "feel me out"...to see how I handled it, because he doesn't want to push it too hard...too fast...and hurt me. I appreciate that. I tend to have one speed, so it's nice to have someone keep me in line. I think it went well. I felt really good and I enjoyed it. Today was a short day for me because of time constraints, but it was a good day. I'm so glad to be back.

WARMUP
-----------
10 MIN ELLIPTICAL

WORKOUT
------------
15, 10, 5
PUSHUPS

SUMO DEAD LIFT HIGH PULLS (45LB BAR)
BURPEES (WITH PUSHUP AND A BOX JUMP AT THE END)

THEN:
ISOMETRIC "DIP" HOLDS
(3X-30 SEC?)

CARDIO
---------
30 MIN TREADMILL INTERVALS
( 3 MIN WALK/2 MIN RUN)
STRETCH

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Day 188...hello, leotard!...farewell, tire!...


Today has ended up being a rest day of sorts. I didn't intend for it to be...it's just ended up that way. My nanny is off for the next week and a half for her wedding, so I have to be a real live mommy with no help. I can do it...I can do it well...I did it for many years when my kids were babies and it was ALOT harder. It's just that I'm spoiled, so it's a bit of an adjustment. I'm not used to taking kids to the gym or dropping them off to be babysat when I go to the doctor. I'm use to making a schedule, paying a check, running out the door, and leaving a list of instructions by the phone.

Me, Syd, & J (my little J-not my trainer) went to breakfast at IHOP after Sav left to spend the day with her friend. Apparently, everyone else and their Mama had the same idea, so we had to wait. By the time we got to the gym, it was 11:20 and the daycare closes at 12. I did 35 minutes on the elliptical, grabbed the kids, and we left. I got ready, dropped them off at my Mom's house and headed to see Dr. R.


I was nervous and excited to see what I can do...as far as working out goes. I wish I had a hidden camera when I ask questions like, "Can I flip a tire? A heavy tire?..like 200 lbs?...". Seeing my doctor's face...my doctor that has probably NEVER worked out in his life...my doctor that said, "You might want to get a tight leotard to wear when you do aerobics for the next couple of months."...his face...is so funny when I ask these things. I love it though, because after I explain that I workout with "the boys" out back...after I explain that I don't "do aerobics" with the rest of "the girls"...after the shock...he smiles and I think he genuinely gets a kick out it. He's never met anyone like me...that's for sure. And...apparently he hasn't been to a gym in the 21st century to see that women no longer wear "leotards" to workout. Sorry, Doc!...I'll pass on the 80's leotard.

I hated to hear about my "limitations", but I was happy to find out that I can do pretty much anything I want. So while it's HELLO to jumping and running and situps...it's FAREWELL to my friend the tire for a while longer. I'll miss that. Me and J had some fun times with that tire. I guess all I can do is start counting down the days til I can flip it again.

I'm scared and excited for tomorrow.

35 MIN ELLIPTICAL

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Day 187...OUCH!...YEA!!!...

It's amazing that I could feel so low yesterday and feel so much better today. I woke up feeling so much better physically, which in turn had an effect on my emotions. I'm SO GLAD that for once I wasn't a stubborn idiot!. For once, I listened to my body and I gave it the rest it needed. I texted J to see if he could train with me today and he said that he could. I warmed up and we got started. It was so nice to not do it alone. I realized that when I am alone...I NEVER rest in between exercises. EVERY set...is a superset. What happens, is that I do what most people would do in 30 minutes in 10 or 15 minutes. I never think it's enough, so I do more...and more...and more. I cram an hour and a half of work into 45 minutes and over do it. Usually, it's not such a big deal, but when I'm in a state of recovery...that's bad.

I think my trainers wonder why I feel that I need their help. I can hold my own and work alongside them. I know exercises. I know correct form. I work hard regardless, but still I need them to balance me. Sometimes, I need to be pushed and other times I need to be slowed down. I thought I wanted J's help today, but I didn't realize how much I needed him until today. It was a safe feeling letting him be in charge of what I did...of knowing that if I listen...I'll be okay.

I felt good. We took it pretty easy, but it was still good. There were some things that were hard for me...not from a surgical recovery stand point...but from a loss of strength standpoint. The shoulder presses were harder than I expected and I didn't say anything, but I had serious rubber legs for a few minutes after the 1 minute squat hold. I went down on my knees at the end, because I COULDN"T lift myself up. We did some isometric pullup "holds". I use to be pretty good. Today...not so much. I NEED a rough bar and some chalk...oh and more grip strength...

I felt really good when I left. I felt...satisfied. The word "satisfied" sounds so mediocre...but sometimes I kill myself and feel a sense of accomplishment...and I still leave unsatisfied. Satisfaction is underrated. Satisfaction can be amazing. My hands are a little sore. I use to hate having sore, rough hands and peeling calluses all the time. Today my hands hurt and it was great! The pain is a reminder of what I accomplished. I'm not where I once was, but I'm on my way. Yea!

WARMUP
----------
4 MIN ELLIPTICAL

WORKOUT
-------------

BENCH PRESS (45/65LBS)
20 AIR SQUATS
REPEAT FOR 3 ROUNDS

THEN:

ISOMETRIC HOLDS ON BAR & HANGING
SHOULDER PRESS (45LBS)
FARMER'S WALK (2-35LB PLATES)
REPEAT FOR 2 ROUNDS

THEN:
LEG CURL (50 - 60 - 70LBS)
ISOMETRIC SQUAT HOLD (1 MIN - 45 SEC- 30 SEC)
REPEAT FOR 3 ROUNDS

CARDIO
----------
30 MIN ELLIPTICAL
(CROSSTRAINING PROG)
STRETCH

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Day 186...pity party for one...

"THE PAIN OF THE MIND IS WORSE THAN THE PAIN OF THE BODY." ~Publilious Syrus

I'm sad. There's no special words to describe how I feel. I'm just so sad. I cancelled my workout today with J. I can't do it. Physically, I'm better than last night, but still sore and achy. Emotionally, I'm a wreck...frustrated...I feel like a failure. Everyday, people complain that they are fat...that they want to lose weight...yet they refuse to get off their a** and do something about it. They search for the power that they already posses, but won't use. All I want to do is workout...be healthy and strong. I want to maintain what I've worked so hard for. Why can't I have what I want? This is torture.

REST DAY

Monday, March 17, 2008

Day 185...LoSt ???...


Today I went in with my "W book"... chose a workout... warmed up... and went to work. I took my book because J wanted to wait to start training again and I felt a little lost. I try to be strong... no matter what... and I just do what I need to do. I've done pretty well. I've had few days of tears...much less than the last time I went through this. Tonight... I'm struggling. I'm scared. I feel lost... and I can't seem to hold back the tears.

I wasn't sad today. I went to breakfast with my kids, and then I worked hard at the gym. After I finished my workout, I went to put my book away in my locker so that I could finish up by doing some cardio. As I opened the door to the locker, I just decided that I didn't want to be there anymore. I miss running. I'm still not allowed to run...but I can walk...so instead of putting my book away and getting on a machine...I grabbed my keys and headed for the door. I went to the trail...the one W and I used to run on. I walked from one end to the other. It was overcast. The breeze was blowing my hair and the tunes were blasting in my ears. As I got down one end of the trail, I looked up and saw a familiar woman running towards me. It was Suzanne. She went to my old gym and trained with W, too. She's such a nice lady. We said hi and went on our separate ways. When she left, I had this intense feeling of being alone. I realized that every time that I had seen her at the trail before, I was with W. I wasn't sad...just alone.

Tonight my stomach is really hurting...I'm swollen...my scar feels sensitive...my muscles are aching. I can handle the pain...the worry is hard to take. Am I okay? Did I do too much?...or is it just because I'm out of shape? J asked me at the gym this morning how I feel. I said, "good." and I meant it...at the time. Then he asked if I want to train tomorrow...I said' "yes."...now I'm nervous. I want to work hard, because I feel SO fat...I just don't know if I can do it. At the same time...I don't know who I am without it.

WARMUP
------------
5 MIN ELLIPTICAL

WORKOUT
--------------
SHOULDER PRESS
(12# DBs)
BICEP CURLS ( 12# DBs)
TRICEP PRESS (20#)
PUSHUPS
SEATED ROW (40#)
LEG EXTENSION (40#)
LEG CURL (40#)
CALF RAISE
21, 18, 15, 12, 9


CARDIO
----------
WALK (OUTSIDE TRAIL-4.5 MILES)

Sunday, March 16, 2008

Day 184...rEsTiNg iN pIeCeS...

We've all heard the expression, "Rest In Peace". Well, today, I feel like I'm resting in PIECES! I'm sore...really sore. My short little workout yesterday made me wakeup sore...ALL OVER. My biceps... shoulders... abs... hips... quads... they are all delivering an ache...a constant reminder of the fact that I will regain my strength, but it won't come easy or free.

I looked forward to working out with J again this week, but that won't be happening AT LEAST until the end of the week. I have to admit...it was disappointing yesterday when he told me that he wanted to wait until my doctor releases me after my appointment on Thursday. My doctor released me 2 weeks ago with strict limitations...each week I get to do a little more.

I'm tired of figuring it out. I felt safe when I came back last time and W was there to ease me back into it. He was careful with me. He scaled everything back and worked me like a "normal" person instead of a beast. It was weeks before we started doing fast paced, timed tests again. He worked me on machines and with "traditional" weight training. He was careful, but confident. I'm afraid J just wants to wait and then start right back where I left off. That is hard. I guess I thought he would be excited for me to come back...so his hesitation was unexpected.

I guess I'll just drag my aching body out of bed tomorrow and do the best I can on my own. I can do it...and I can do it well. I just have to make a plan...and do the best I can. Until then, I'm glad to be resting...in pieces.

SUNDAY - REST DAY

Saturday, March 15, 2008

Day 183...NOT my usual Saturday...

I usually workout in the morning on Saturdays with my trainer. He doesn't want to work with me until my doctor "releases" me. Um, okay. I'm already working out. Anyways, I would've gone in this morning earlier and worked out alone, but I had other plans. It was around 1 PM when I got to the gym, which was really strange. What was stranger, was that because I had already gotten ready for the day...I went in with my hair down...normal...not in a ponytail. I figured that I can't work hard enough to barely work up a sweat and I never keep my hair in a ponytail, so this way I could just bathe when I got home and not have to totally rewash my hair. I felt so weird...like I was trying to be "cute" at the gym. I always wear makeup and matching workout clothes...but I go there to work...hair pulled back...ready for ACTION! A few people that see me regularly looked at me like "What are you doing?" A few women looked at me like "What a bimbo!". One was so busy glaring that she didn't notice her husband standing behind her...checking me out. Hate on your man, Hater!

The ironic thing was that I fretted for 10 minutes before leaving for the gym, because I thought my outfit made me look fat. My husband said, "You don't look fat and if you are going to go to the gym looking like that...you better be prepared to get a few looks!" WHATEVER! I scoffed at him and rolled my eyes. So, I get there and I feel like I'm being stared at. Then...some weird guy...that looks to be mid 20s...and probably weighs "a buck fifty" soaking wet...follows me over to the bikes and starts talking to me. I had seen him staring when I came in, but I'm so negative on myself that I never think about anyone wanting to pick up on me, so it took me a minute to figure out what was going on. He's talking to me and I have my music so loud, I didn't even hear him at first til I looked over and saw him staring at me and his mouth was moving. I turned down my volume, smiled, was nice and humored his goofy, awkward comments. As soon as I hit 5 minutes, I quickly hopped off and went far away to start my workout in peace.

I feel so lost...not being able to jump and struggle and move at a fast pace...full throttle...high intensity. I feel like a failure. So, I got started and I struggled. I struggled through pullups and I fought my way through pushups. Mark Twight says, "...the mind and body adapt to both comfort and deprivation...". My body has adapted to resting and going slow and easy. It sucks, but I will claw and scratch my way back to where I was. I can't wait to go out behind the gym on a Saturday with J and "tear it up" (as he says). I can't wait to hurt. I can't wait to be afraid of what the next workout will bring. It was hard for me...hard physically and even harder on my ego.

So, I figured if I'm gonna be a "girl" in the gym today..why not go all the way?!? When I got ready to do cardio, I went down and pointed the fan at my elliptical, so I wouldn't get too sweaty. It felt so good, but I felt like such a prissy girl with my hair down and my lipgloss and the fan blowing on me like I was in some fashion shoot. It's actually funny when I look back on it. Today was interesting. It was hard and easy and familiar and strange all at once. It was definitely NOT my usual Saturday in the gym.

WARMUP
------------
5 MIN RECUMBENT BIKE

WORKOUT
------------
10 PULLUPS
(JUMPING)
20 PUSHUPS (GOOD ONES-BOY STYLE)
30 SQUATS (BODY WEIGHT/TABATA)
40 DIPS (BENCH)
30 SQUATS
20 PUSHUPS
10 PULLUPS
THEN:
25 REPS ABDUCTOR MACHINE
(70 LBS-1ST SET-WEAK, BUT TRYING NOT TO "STRAIN" / 80LBS 2ND SET)
25 REPS ADDUCTOR MACHINE(70 LBS / 80 LBS)
REPEAT FOR 2 SETS (50 TOTAL ON EACH)

CARDIO
---------

45 MIN ELLIPTICAL (WITH "ARMS"- INTERVALS)

5 MIN STRETCH

Friday, March 14, 2008

Day 182..."the world ain't all sunshine and rainbows"...

I feel pretty good...I refuse to be down. My hip has a funny "twinge" goin on...again...and my knees are bothering me. WHAT?!? I haven't barely done anything! I hate my reflection in the mirrors at the gym. I feel so soft and fat. My tummy is not hurting...just feeling kinda weird...but I decided as I drove home feeling depressed...that this is all part of life. You get knocked down and you pick yourself up. You CHOOSE to be happy sometimes, because it doesn't always come so easily. I LOVE Rocky movies, because to me...they are about getting beat up, but NEVER giving up. I decided that yeah...my belly feels weird...my knees and hip are a little sore...I'm not in the shape I was a month ago...and I don't look like what I want to...BUT crying and whining won't fix that. A positive attitude, hard work, and perseverance are the things that will. So I'll keep "getting up" and trying again...no matter how hard life "hits me". There was a quote about this very idea that I have from the movie "Rocky Balboa" that I love. I found a video of him saying it that I'll leave as my inspiration for the day...LOVE YA ROCK!

I HR TREADMILL (FAST WALKING AT VARIOUS INCLINES)
THEN:
21, 15, 9
MILITARY PRESS
(10 LB DBs)
DB KICK BACKS (5 LB DB)
STANDING BICEP CURL (25 LB BAR)
THEN:
21, 15, 9
TRICEP ROPE PRESS
(30LB)
SEATED ROW (30 LB-SITTING, NOT "HOVERING")
LATERAL RAISES (5LB DBs)
FRONT RAISES (5 LB DBs)
STRETCH

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Day 180...181...I'm getting there...

I'm feeling so much better than I did Monday. I didn't have the time or desire to post yesterday, so I'll add it to today.

DAY 180 - WEDNESDAY
-----------------------------
I had a crazy morning, and I just never made it to the gym. I made my mind up that NO MATTER WHAT...I was going to the gym. So, I didn't get there until 5ish. I had to hurry, because I had to take Sav to a summer camp information meeting at 7. I did a "program" on the elliptical with different levels, rather than just staying flat. It was pitiful, because my heart rate was high after only a few minutes without much exertion. My legs and butt were even burning...I've sunk so low!!! I saw my trainer, J. That was a nice surprise that I didn't expect. I felt good when I was done.

45 MIN ELLIPTICAL (CROSSTRAINING PROG...RESISTANCE=5)

DAY 181 - THURSDAY
-------------------------------
I went to the gym this morning knowing that I was going to do the elliptical (AGAIN!)...but that I was also going to do some upper body. It went well and I felt good. I just hope I didn't overdo it with the last exercise I did. Time will tell. There's nothing else too interesting to say...just that I did it...and I feel good!

50 MIN ELLIPTICAL (CROSSTRAINING PROG...RESISTANCE=6)
THEN:
15 HAMMER CURLS
(10 LB DBs)
15 DB ROWS ( EA ARM...BENT OVER ON BENCH-12 LB DB)
15 BICEP CURLS (SEATED-10 LB DBs)
15 TRICEP PRESS (BEHIND HEAD-PRESSING UP WITH BOTH HANDS - 15LB DB)
REPEAT FOR 3 SETS
THEN:
25 PLATE PRESS
(ABOVE HEAD-BOTH HANDS- PRESSING UP AND DOWN TOWARDS HEAD - 25LB PLATE)
25 BENT PLATE ROWS? (SAME 25 LB PLATE-BENT AT HIPS-HOLDING PLATE STRAIGHT DOWN WITH BOTH HANDS AND PULLING UP TO CHEST
REPEAT FOR 3 SETS (This is the part that I hope didn't overdo it, but I did the first round holding 10 and 5 lb plates together and it felt like nothing)
STRETCH

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Day 179...i'M bAcK...

It's always interesting...the first time back at the gym..after a little...or a LOT...of time off. I love how rumors get started...people get curious. I love to sit back and see who will say something...and who will stare...who will pretend not to notice that I've been gone for a month...ME...the girl that is there EVERY day...6 days a week...for a minimum of 2hrs usually. It's a fun experiment in human behavior.

I came in...feeling nervous...conspicuous...waiting for the first time I have to "explain". As soon as I got on the elliptical, a girl that lives around the corner from me called out my name and asked how my foot is doing. This girl and I know each other's names, but we are just aquaintances...not close or what I would call a friend. I internally giggled and thought, "Oh this will be fun! Here we go!" I said, "My foot is great. I was all done with my injections a couple of months ago and it's been great..pain free." She says, "But what about your foot surgery? My daughter said she saw your daughter's best friend at the ice cream place and SHE said you had foot surgery." Ahhh...the joys of a small town! I said, "No. I had a private issue that needed surgery, but it was nowhere near my foot. (wink wink)"...and I smiled. She went around in circles, stumbling over her words, and then tried to redeem herself with the old standby that women use..."Well, even after all this time off... you still look great!" I'd be lying if I didn't say that I kind of enjoyed watching her squirm. I thanked her and made my first mental scratch on the bedpost. One down...who knows how many more to go. Not 5 minutes later, a lady that I go to church with...one that always knows what's going on with EVERYBODY...came over to say "hi" and try to mine for some info. No such luck, babe! When she realized that I was being nice, but that she wasn't going to get any juicy gossip...she excused herself and left. R, the trainer, came over to shake my hand...literally...and say, "Welcome Back!". J, another trainer (not mine) acted like he didn't see me. His wife looked disappointed to see me. F looked like he'd seen a ghost as I walked past the desk on my way out the door. I love seeing people's reflections in the mirror behind me! IT'S GOLDEN!

All in all, it was a good experience going back. I'm not in pain. Although I don't know how I could be when I'm just chuggin along with barely any resistance or incline on the elliptical. I did not do any upper body weights, because honestly...I was afraid to. I went to bed in tears last night, because my belly was bothering me and I was scared I had screwed something up. Better safe than sorry! Fat and flabby...but safe! I'm glad I got my first day back...sorta...out of the way. Everything will get back to normal in another week or two.

50 MIN ELLIPTICAL

Monday, March 10, 2008

Day 178...hope...

My tummy still hurts on one side. It's a deep, tender pain. I hate the thought of not working out another day...but I hate the thought of a complication or set back even more. I guess I'm reluctantly listening to my body. Today I will rest again...and hope that tomorrow is better...

"To live without hope is to cease to live." - Fyodor Dostoevsky

Sunday, March 9, 2008

Day 177...ReLieVeD tO rEst...

I was so happy...so relieved...to begin working out again this week. I'm still not able to really do what I love. I have to go at a much slower pace and at a much lower resistance. I love intensity. I love the pain of pushing myself. I love the feeling of relief and accomplishment that I feel when I do more than I thought I could. So, I had to lower my expectations and be happy that I could do SOMETHING. I was...happy...I felt stronger and more "normal"...until yesterday. I did something yesterday that obviously "strained" my ABs. I was very uncomfortable during and after dinner last night. The right side of my lower belly was sore and tender when I went to bed. I felt nervous. I really am trying to do what the doctor says, because I want to be better...not prolong my recovery. I feel better today, but I am still really sore on one side and it looks a little swollen on the same side. So...while I was relieved to workout again this week...today...I'm relieved to rest.

SUNDAY - REST DAY

Saturday, March 8, 2008

Day 176...jUst wHeN i tHouGHt i hAd iT...

Just when I thought that I was feeling strong..that I could bump up to the next level...my body decides to disagree.

I went out last night and ate a really "rich" meal and I was regretting it during the movie after dinner...so maybe it was the after effects of that bloody steak or that fried appetizer or the heavy salad dressing that I usually don't eat. Maybe it was because I moved the elliptical up yet another level of resistance...maybe a combination of the two...I dunno...but I struggled with cardio today.

I kept feeling really sick to my stomach...like I was about to throw up at any minute. I usually just push through, but it was a real uphill battle this afternoon. I finally had to give in after 30 minutes...stop...do my upper body work...and then finish the other 15 minutes of cardio I wanted to do at a lower resistance.

I'm a little worried. My stomach is feeling kind of strained on one side. I thought I was being careful. I don't know what to do. I guess it's a good thing that tomorrow is Sunday...my rest day. I just want to be better...

30 MIN ELLIPTICAL (3rd level resistance)
THEN:
15 "CONCENTRATION" CURLS (alternating-elbow resting on knee-curling up and turning in with a squeeze at the top)
15 SHOULDER PRESS (seated - 8lb DBs)
25 CLOSE GRIP TRICEP PRESS (lying on bench using an 18 lb weighted bar)
25 BICEP CURL (standing using 18lb. weighted bar)
15 SEATED REAR LATERAL DB RAISE (seated with chest against thighs-arms in a hugging position under legs-pulling up and out while keeping chest against thighs - 5lb DBs)
REPEAT FOR 3 SETS
THEN:
15 MINUTES ELLIPTICAL
(1st level resistance)

Friday, March 7, 2008

Day 175..."bE yOuRsELf"...


For once, I did what I said I would do. I ONLY did cardio today. I DID bump up the resistance to the next level, but I left the weights alone. I tried on a few bikinis last night...SO DUMB when you've just had surgery 3 weeks ago and haven't been working out like normal. I was feeling a little down...frustrated...afterwards. Is it so wrong to want a HOT bod?!? No matter what shape I'm in...or how low my body fat gets...or how much muscle definition I have...I'm never satisfied...so then I feel defeated. It wasn't like I cried myself to sleep...I just had an internal "moment".

So, I got up and took kids to school, went to an awards ceremony, and came home to get on my elliptical before I had to take S lunch. As I stepped up and put my ipod around my arm...I had a moment when I thought, "What does it matter? I'll never look as good as...I thought of random Victoria's Secret models...women in fitness magazines...etc. etc. etc."...you know all the airbrushed 20 somethings. It so self defeating when I think like that...but...it's the stupid crap I do all the time.

I was feeling back to "normal"...no country today...I'm ready to rock. I started out with "Outshined" by Soundgarden and moved on to some random Audioslave songs (same dif). Then while I was going along...the song "Be Yourself" came on. It is such a great song with an incredible message...so simply put...

"...To be yourself is all that you can do

And even when you've paid enough, been pulled apart or been held up
With every single memory of the good or bad faces of luck
don't lose any sleep tonight
I'm sure everything will end up alright

You may win or lose

But to be yourself is all that you can do
To be yourself is all that you can do"



I can't keep comparing myself to other people. We are all different...all experiencing different things...at different times. So I got on the elliptical to workout and had a bit of an epiphany. What a deal...a workout and therapy session...all in one! The only thing that could have made it better was to watch Chris Cornell sing it...so smokin hot...what it is with me and those grungy bad boys?!

45 MIN ELLIPTICAL (BUMPED UP TO HIGHER RESISTANCE & DIDN'T REALLY FEEL THAT MUCH MORE CHALLENGED)
...and as a side note... My biceps are very sore today (never happens!) from those HAMMER CURLS yesterday. I need to do those more often!

Thursday, March 6, 2008

Day 174...YEEHAW! Now we're cookin!...

I usually like to listen to hard...loud..angry music when I workout...Linkin Park...Stone Temple Pilots...Breaking Benjamin...Audioslave...that kinda stuff. Today...I went nuts and listened to country music the whole time I worked out. It was so weird...and I enjoyed it! It was just me...Rascal Flatts...Tim McGraw...Danielle Peck...Jason Aldean...the elliptical...my very loud tone deaf singing...and my sweet dog staring at me like I've lost it. Yep Prissy! I've lost it! Good thing she doesn't howl!

I say "Now we're cookin!", because my shoulders were burning during today's "light upper body workout" (so lame!). It's stretching my brain to come up with upper body exercises that are...conventional...that won't make me strain or engage my abs. It's a good refresher course I guess. I felt good, but my stomach is feeling sore on the sides of my lower belly where my incision was. My muscles feel tired...hard to believe when one is using 5, 8, & 12 lb DBs.

Tomorrow, I think I'll give my brain a rest from conjuring up exercises and my body a rest from weights. I'm feeling stronger everyday. Yea me!

WORKOUT
------------
45 MIN ELLIPTICAL
THEN:
15 FRONT DB RAISE (5LB DBs)
15 MILITARY PRESS (8LB DBs)
15 DB SHRUG (12LB DBs)
15 TRICEP PRESS (BEHIND HEAD-BOTH HANDS WITH A SINGLE 12LB DB)
15 DB BENCH PRESS (LAYING ON BENCH-12 LB DBs)
15 HAMMER CURLS (8LB DBs)
15 EA ARM-DB ROTATION (5 LB DB-LYING ON SIDE-HEAD SUPPORTED BY HAND BY FLOOR-OTHER ARM "FIXED" TO SIDE-HOLDING DB HORIZONTAL AND LOWERING STRAIGHT DOWN TO FLOOR AND BACK UP)
REPEAT FOR 3 SETS

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Day 173...mOrE fUn...

Well, I did it again...but just a little more this time. I felt really good on the elliptical so I went a bit longer and then I decided to do some "light upper body" work. It's hard to know what is light, really...and you don't realize how much you engage your core to do exercises until you are not supposed to...but I dug out the "little guys" and did a few exercises and tried not to strain (not too tough with teensy weights). We'll see how I feel later. It's amazing how tired you can get with an 8lb dumbbell, when you haven't touched a weight in 3 weeks. I refuse to be depressed about losing ground. I'll get it back...I did it before...I'll do it again!

60 MINUTES ELLIPTICAL (FLAT/LOW RES AS RXed)
THEN:
15 BICEP CURLS (8 LB DBs - 1ST SET=SEATED/2ND SET= "CONCENTRATION" CURL - SEATED ALTERNATING W/ ELBOW RESTING ON KNEE-TURNING WRIST AT TOP & SQUEEZING BICEP/3RD SET= STAGGERED STANCE-STANDING-ALTERNATING ARMS)
15 TRICEP KICK BACKS (EA ARM-5LB DB)
15 DB ROW (EA ARM-BENT OVER ON BENCH-10LB DB)
12 LATERAL RAISE (5 LB DBs-STANDING-NO BEND AT HIPS-SLIGHT DIP OF WRIST AT TOP)
15 "SKULL CRUSHERS" ( 2-8LB DBs-LYING ON BENCH)
REPEAT FOR 3 SETS TOTAL

2ND DAY BACK

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Day 172...a sLoW staRt...

I went to the doctor yesterday and got good news. I was given permission to start slowly doing cardio and very "light" upper body weight lifting. It was the day I've been looking forward to for 3 long weeks. It was funny though...I was hoping for the best, but expecting the worst...so I was actually a little thrown off by the fact that I was getting such good news. I thought I would want to immediately run to the gym, but instead I felt a little uneasy...anxious.

I decided that I should try the elliptical here at home to see how my body...that has become accustomed to laying around for three weeks...would tolerate exercising again, before returning to the gym. I was nervous because I've felt very nauseous, but it was better than I expected. I spent 45 minutes on the elliptical. I felt good, but tired when I was through. I probably should've gone for 30 minutes to ease myself back into it, but that's not my style.

So overall...I am happy. It was a slow start...but it's a start...so I have no complaints and I look forward to what tomorrow will bring.

45 MIN ELLIPTICAL (LOWEST RESISTANCE-FLAT-per DR. R's instructions)

IST DAY BACK!!!

Saturday, March 1, 2008

Day 169...PRE LIVES...


"Somebody may beat me, but they are going to have to bleed to do it." -Steve Prefontaine

I love to run. I'm not really talented and I'm not very fast, but I still love to run. One of the things that I miss the most when I can't workout...is the same reason that I love to run. I love the feeling of control over my body. I love that when my legs want to stop and my lungs cry for more air, I can ignore them. When I want to slow down, I can MAKE myself go faster. When it starts to hurt, I can run through the pain.

One of the greatest middle distance runners ever was Steve Prefontaine. I really like the movie, "Without Limits". There are many memorable quotes from this movie, but the one that really struck me as I was watching it again the other day was when Pre says, "I can endure more pain than anyone you've ever met. That's why I can beat anyone I've ever met." The ability to embrace pain and live in it...and use it...can make all the difference when a person is working out.

I use to be a pain wimp, but I'm not anymore. W helped me learn how to accept pain and not be afraid of the "pain monster" (as he once called it). He never let me limit myself...and little by little...I learned not to fear it. You see, I think that people mistake fear for pain all the time. Pain doesn't always have to be bad. Pain is not to be feared...it is to be respected and used to help us gain more discipline...control...and strength.

PRE may have died way before his time...but a part of him can live on in each of us...if we are willing to bear a little pain.

18TH DAY OFF =(