Thursday, October 11, 2007
Day 28...CHUB A LUB...
What is my problem?!? I feel SOOO fat in my tummy/midsection. It's depressing me...bad. All my clothes fit the same, but I feel weird...like a big fat "chub a lub". I workout as hard as I can...I do my AB exercises...but I feel so soft in the middle. I'm such a sicko when it comes to the way I judge myself! I haven't weighed in 3 weeks, because I am DEATHLY afraid of what the scale will say...and I am terrified by what my response/mental state will be should it tell me something that I'm not prepared to hear...seriously. Last night I got really freaked out because these people were staring at me at a restaurant...and they were obviously talking about me...I don't know what they said, but it just exacerbated the way I'm feeling. Goodness! Will I ever stop feeling like that fat person I use to be? Am I sabotaging myself without knowing it? I feel out of control and it scares me, because I don't know how to get it back...I want to stop eating...to cut WAY back...but I never do...I won't and I'm ALWAYS hungry. I work as hard as I can. Some days, it's all I can do to walk to the car when I'm done working out and it still never seems to be enough...UGH! I guess all I can do is keep plugging along and hope these feelings subside...We'll see how I feel when I'm done today at the gym.
WEEK 4 / DAY 4
SHOULDER PRESS 15#
21, 15, 9
BIKE @ MAX INTENSITY
MEDICINE BALL SLAMS 10#
2 MINUTES - 3 ROUNDS
ELLIPTICAL/CROSSTRAINER 15 MIN & THEN MY FOOT WAS HURTING SO BAD THAT I SWITCHED TO THE RECUMBENT BIKE FOR ANOTHER 25 MINUTES
TOTAL TIME = 1 HR 2O MIN
I did pretty good today at the gym. I can't say that I enjoyed today's workout. It was hard doing the pulldowns @ 70# and of course the bike was torture as usual. I kinda got thrown off b/c a trainer at the gym that I think is a "Workout God" was being kinda weird...rude almost...acting like I was getting in his way...and I WASN'T. It made me really uncomfortable. Especially since I don't get in people's way...I just mind my business and do my workout. He almost acts like I am copying him b/c twice now we have both been working out and done similar exercises in our routines. I mean I have a book...I'm not following him or copying him...and they are not original exercises that HE invented and/or solely owns. Maybe he's aggravated b/c he doesn't want anyone else to be able to do what he does...I can in NO way compete with him, nor do I want to. GET OVER YOURSELF, MISTER! I came over and sat on a bench to do shoulder presses and he ran over there and snatched his weights from the bench he was on (I didn't take his spot..his bench was next to mine) and then he moved to the opposite end and acted all weird. There was plenty of room and he wasn't even over there when I went to grab my weights. He just looked at me like he was so annoyed and I was so gross. I felt awful! I've always been impressed when I've seen him working out...he is very strong and makes the exercises look so easy...and I KNOW they're NOT easy...so that wasn't great on the already fragile ego! I feel like an annoying fat loser.
I had my regular "B.S. chat session" with Mr. C. Today I had to hear about his motorcycle. Another trainer came over to beg me to attend his class on running next week and talked my ear off, and I got to hear stimulating coversation in the ladies bathroom between several of the "cardio rexics" about how one's getting Botox tomorrow. So, now that I've whined and griped like a negative brat...I've got to say something good. Here goes...I'm glad that I worked out hard today and I'm glad that I've been taught well and that I have confidence in what I do...at the gym anyways.
POSTSCRIPT- I had to go back and write this..today, January 8...to ease my conscience...the "WORKOUT GOD" I spoke of...is now my trainer. He is a great trainer and a really nice person. I feel so bad for jumping to conclusions based on my own insecurities. I was feeling bad about myself and took it way too personally. He probably didn't even notice me. Now that I know him, I realize that he is not mean or rude...at all. I realize that it had NOTHING to do with ego or aggravation. He is as serious as I am, and he probably just wanted to do his workout. I was wrong and I was arrogant to think that he was behaving in any certain way towards me specifically. I don't think he'll ever see this, but if he does...Sorry J...I was wrong! =)
Posted by MC at 11:35 AM