the pain diaries: Day 185...LoSt ???...

Monday, March 17, 2008

Day 185...LoSt ???...

Today I went in with my "W book"... chose a workout... warmed up... and went to work. I took my book because J wanted to wait to start training again and I felt a little lost. I try to be strong... no matter what... and I just do what I need to do. I've done pretty well. I've had few days of tears...much less than the last time I went through this. Tonight... I'm struggling. I'm scared. I feel lost... and I can't seem to hold back the tears.

I wasn't sad today. I went to breakfast with my kids, and then I worked hard at the gym. After I finished my workout, I went to put my book away in my locker so that I could finish up by doing some cardio. As I opened the door to the locker, I just decided that I didn't want to be there anymore. I miss running. I'm still not allowed to run...but I can walk...so instead of putting my book away and getting on a machine...I grabbed my keys and headed for the door. I went to the trail...the one W and I used to run on. I walked from one end to the other. It was overcast. The breeze was blowing my hair and the tunes were blasting in my ears. As I got down one end of the trail, I looked up and saw a familiar woman running towards me. It was Suzanne. She went to my old gym and trained with W, too. She's such a nice lady. We said hi and went on our separate ways. When she left, I had this intense feeling of being alone. I realized that every time that I had seen her at the trail before, I was with W. I wasn't sad...just alone.

Tonight my stomach is really hurting...I'm swollen...my scar feels sensitive...my muscles are aching. I can handle the pain...the worry is hard to take. Am I okay? Did I do too much?...or is it just because I'm out of shape? J asked me at the gym this morning how I feel. I said, "good." and I meant it...at the time. Then he asked if I want to train tomorrow...I said' "yes."...now I'm nervous. I want to work hard, because I feel SO fat...I just don't know if I can do it. At the same time...I don't know who I am without it.

WARMUP
------------
5 MIN ELLIPTICAL

WORKOUT
--------------
SHOULDER PRESS (12# DBs)
BICEP CURLS ( 12# DBs)
TRICEP PRESS (20#)
PUSHUPS
SEATED ROW (40#)
LEG EXTENSION (40#)
LEG CURL (40#)
CALF RAISE
21, 18, 15, 12, 9

CARDIO
----------
WALK (OUTSIDE TRAIL-4.5 MILES)

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..............WHY?...............

This is my training log...my "workout diary" if you will. It is mostly for ME, but if it motivates someone else, that's great too! I write everday as a way of being accountable to myself. It's a way to track my progress, correct my mistakes, and a way to look back and view my day to day struggle to continue to work towards being the best possible version of myself. Sometimes, I am tired or lonely or unmotivated. Sometimes, I am "powerful beyond measure". Sometimes it is fun...easy. Other times, it is almost unbearable. I use to have my trainers to push me...but NOW I am on my own.

QUOTES THAT INSPIRE ME TO PUSH HARDER...GO FASTER...AND TRAIN LONGER

"SOME DEFINE OBSESSION AS NEGATIVE. I SAY IT'S HOW YOU GET THINGS DONE."

-MARK TWIGHT

"PAIN IS TEMPORARY. IT MAY LAST A MINUTE, OR AN HOUR, OR A DAY, OR A YEAR, BUT EVENTUALLY IT WILL SUBSIDE AND SOMETHING ELSE TAKES IT'S PLACE. IF I QUIT HOWEVER, IT LASTS FOREVER."

-LANCE ARMSTRONG

"TO BE TRANSFORMED BY EFFORT, ONE MUST DIG DEEP...SURPASS ONE'S EXPECTATIONS OR SELF-IMPOSED LIMITATIONS...RISK FAILURE...BLOW UP, AND 'GET THE FULL DOSE'...IT ALWAYS HURTS YOU GO AS HARD AS YOU CAN."

-MARK TWIGHT-"GYM JONES" WEBSITE

"TO GIVE ANYTHING LESS THAN YOUR BEST IS TO SACRIFICE THE GIFT."

-STEVE PREFONTAINE

“PUNISH YOUR BODY TO PERFECT YOUR SOUL.”

-MARK TWIGHT

“ONLY THOSE WHO WILL RISK GOING TOO FAR CAN POSSIBLY FIND OUT HOW FAR ONE CAN GO.”

-T.S. ELIOTT

"THE BENEFITS OF FITNESS ARE NOT MERELY PHYSICAL. SUCCESSFUL COMPLETION OF A SERIES OF DIFFICULT, SHORT-DURATION, HIGH INTENSITY EFFORTS BUILDS SELF-ASSUREDNESS IN A WAY THAT VERY FEW OTHER ACTIVITIES CAN. TOUGH WORKOUTS THAT PUSH AN INDIVIDUAL TO THE VERY LIMIT OF HIS OR HER CAPACITIES MAY BECOME THE GATEWAY TO HIGHER CONSCIOUSNESS. AND THAT AWARENESS OFTEN LEADS TO CONFIDENCE."

-MARK TWIGHT

"WHEN A PERSON TRAINS ONCE, NOTHING HAPPENS. WHEN A PERSON FORCES HIMSELF TO DO A THING A HUNDRED OR A THOUSAND TIMES, THEN HE CERTAINLY HAS DEVELOPED IN MORE WAYS THAN PHYSICAL. IS IT RAINING? THAT DOESN'T MATTER. AM I TIRED? THAT DOESN'T MATTER EITHER. THEN WILLPOWER WILL BE NO PROBLEM"

-EMIL ZATOPEK

"GIVE IT EVERYTHING AND LET THE CHIPS...OR WHATEVER...FALL WHERE THEY MAY. IT WON'T EVER GET EASIER, BUT YOU MIGHT GO FASTER, OR LAST LONGER."

-MARK TWIGHT

“A LOT OF PEOPLE RUN A RACE TO SEE WHO IS FASTEST. I RUN TO SEE WHO HAS THE MOST GUTS WHO CAN PUNISH HIMSELF INTO EXHAUSTING PACE, AND THEN AT THE END, PUNISH HIMSELF EVEN MORE. NOBODY IS GOING TO WIN A 5,000METER RACE AFTER RUNNING AN EASY 2 MILES. NOT WITH ME. IF I LOSE FORCING THE PACE ALL THE WAY, WELL, AT LEAST I CAN LIVE WITH MYSELF.“

-STEVE PREFONTAINE

“SUFFERING PROVIDES THE OPPORTUNITY TO EXERCISE WILL AND DEVELOP GRIT… THE MIND AND BODY ADAPT TO BOTH COMFORT AND DEPRIVATION… RELISH THE CHALLENGE OF OVERCOMING DIFFICULTIES THAT WOULD CRUSH ORDINARY MEN... LEARN TO SUFFER.”

-MARK TWIGHT – excerpts from "Extreme Alpinism - Climbing Light, Fast and High"

“SOMETIMES IF YOU WANT TO BE A WINNER, YOU HAVE TO BE WILLING TO BEAR THE SCARS FROM THE FIGHT.”

-PETRA SALVAJE

'EACH OF US GIVES WHAT WE ARE ABLE AND, MORE IMPORTANTLY, WILLING TO GIVE TO LIFE. HOW WE REACT WHEN OUR CAPACITY AND WILL FALL SHORT OF OUR EXPECTATIONS DETERMINES HOW WE VIEW OURSELVES...".

-MARK TWIGHT~"GYM JONES" website