Sunday, January 13, 2008

Day 121...i'm rested and i'm tired...

Because I was sick...and hurt...I've done a lot of resting since Friday. It's been an interesting change to wake up and it really IS time to get up. I was in bed most of the day Friday, but I got up around 5pm that day and decided that because I was feeling better, I would get up, shower, meet my husband, and go to dinner and a movie. I loved the movie we saw. It made me pause to think about how I want to live the rest of my life. It was fictional and a little over the top, but thought provoking non the less. I have thought about my relationships...about my fears...about all the things that I've never done. It's funny because a couple of months ago, I bought a book called "1,000 PLACES TO SEE BEFORE YOU DIE". I joked with everyone that it almost felt morbid and that I hoped it wasn't a foreboding. I bought the book because I have become such a creature of habit...I always have been. I order the same thing every time I go to restaurants. I go to the same place on vacation and do the exact same thing every year. The list goes on. I do it, because it's safe. I don't get worried and I can't be disappointed if I follow the same plan...every time. The problem is that I am like a robot...and while robots tend to be reliable and make less mistakes...they also do not feel or experience joy. Back when I bought that book, I started to make a list of things that I have never done, but I threw it away because I was afraid that I would look foolish.

I always try to reflect upon the last week or the week coming up on Sunday, especially when I sit down to write. Today I realized that as rested as I feel...I am tired. I am tired of being embarrassed of my own desires. I am tired of giving up on my dreams. I am tired of being afraid...insecure...nervous...all the time. I am tired of being a robot. I want to allow myself to enjoy the rest of my life, rather than continuing on the same after day. I don't want to exist anymore. I want to live. I don't want to be tired anymore...physically or mentally.


No comments: