Friday, January 4, 2008

Day 112...back in business...


My trainer, J, was back today after being out sick...thank goodness. I love working with trainers, but I'm afraid that in some ways it will cripple me. I probably talk too much which gives me more rest time in between exercises and I fear that I will start to lose the ability...temporarily...to workout on my own in a confident manner. It's funny that I so enjoy what I fear will hinder me. I enjoy the chit chat. I think it's because I have lots of acquaintances and "superficial" friends, but not really good friends that I talk to everyday...not anymore anyways...so before, there were days that I would go without any conversation (at least not any that was enjoyable or two-sided) until my kids come home...pathetic, but true. People see me and always get the wrong impression...they always think I'm snobby and mean. I appreciate the slower pace than when I am alone...going like a maniac...full throttle. I wouldn't enjoy working out as much if we were all business with no talking. I know that these fears are just that...fears...they are not reality. So, I am not complaining or wishing for a change, I am merely making an observation. In fact, I know it's better for me so I'm glad to be working with a trainer again. When I am working with someone, I become accustomed to just doing what I'm told...so weird and polar opposite of my life outside the gym. J had me do a ton of arms...shoulders and triceps...no legs other than the leg strength it takes to assist with kettlebell swings. I hate having big legs...or what I perceive as big...but I also get really worried when I am not doing as much as I once did. W is to legs as J is to arms...they definitely have different areas of focus...but that's okay. I need change. I need to listen.

One thing that I am really discouraged with is pullups. I CAN NOT do pullups. Somedays I could just scream it makes me so mad and frustrated...those days, I feel totally defeated. I feel like a sham...like a faker...like I'm pretending to be strong; tough, but when push comes to shove, I'm not. I wish I could do it...so badly...and I worry that my trainers are as frustrated with my inability to perform as I am...

Today I did close grip presses on the decline bench with 40# (I think), situps on the same bench with a press at the top using a 20# DB. I also did kettlebell swings with 35#, followed by pullups (assisted OF COURSE...which means J probably got more of a workout shoving me up than I did trying to pull myself up). I also did tricep press downs. I finished with 30 minutes on the elliptical. It was good to be back in business...back at a gym...back to familiar surroundings and people.

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