Sunday, May 18, 2008

Day 246...sCaReDy cAt...

I am the worst "scaredy cat" of all time! I'm afraid of big spiders...snakes...and mice! Once a mouse got in my house...and when one of my kids cried out for help....yelling "Help Mom! There's a mouse!"...I did not run to help or comfort them in the kitchen where they were perched on chairs...I ran outside to the front yard to get my brother that was there doing some painting. My protective motherly instinct just clicked off and I left my kids on chairs screaming while I fled to the front yard. I'm scared of the dark and I hate scary movies. I'm scared that I will die before my kids are grown. I'm always scared that I will get hurt trying new things with such an awkward, inflexible body...things like handstands. Everyone has fears...I just seem to have more than my fair share!

Most of my day to day fears don't revolve around spiders or the "boogeyman" coming to get me in the dark. They are more of the "fear of rejection" or "fear of failure" variety fears. Because of that, I like to stick to a routine. I do the same thing...over and over and over. I still struggle, but I'm better than I used to be. I owe that to working out...and to the people that have molded me and taught me. Working hard in the gym has given me a confidence that I have not been able to find elsewhere. Moving past self imposed limits has given me the courage to keep going when I want to stop. Learning to "live in the pain" and realizing that I WILL be okay after an especially hard workout has been a lesson that has been life changing.

I'm going to school this a course in how the be a Personal Trainer...and I'm taking the test for the certification on Friday. It's been 17 years since I've been in a classroom. I'm not sure that scared really illustrates the way I feel. It seems like such a simple description for such an overwhelming...complicated feeling. I'll probably be older than most of the people there. I worry that I won't be smart enough...that I won't understand what it is I am learning. I worry that when I go to take the test at the end of the week...that I will draw a blank...and fail. I don't want to let everyone down that thinks I can do this.

I've tried to think of any excuse to stay home and avoid going, but in the end...I know that I have to go. It's scary and nerve racking and inconvenient...but if I can give ONE person the knowledge and confidence that I have been given through working out and changing my will be worth it.


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