Sunday, May 4, 2008

Day 232...bOtH siDeS oF tHe fEnCe...

It's an interesting perspective when you are used to being in a certain position and then suddenly you find yourself on the opposite "side of the fence". I have been a "trainee"...being coached and taught by 2 different personal trainers...for more than a year and a half. I KNOW that side of the fence. It's I go in. I don't worry about what I will do or how I will do it. I am taught and told what to do. My only job DO it. In fact, one of the reasons that I like being in that role is that I feel like my body is my trainer's if it's not proportionate enough or not "right"...that it's THEIR fault.

Now I'm venturing over to the other side of the fence...and it's kinda weird...even a little uncomfortable at times. I WANT to do it and as hard as I am on myself...I KNOW that I CAN. It's just that I know that it takes time. Yes...I know how to workout. Yes...I know exercises. It's just that...I wonder if I can translate that knowledge to other people. I know how to to push to be motivated. But I worry about how I will motivate someone I will make someone WANT to dig deeper and keep going...even when it hurts? Will people like me?...What if no one wants to train with me?...what if...what if...what if???

Yesterday, as I sat and watched J train a couple and teach them the "fundamentals"...I just thought that he seemed charge...and they seemed to respect him. Even if what he said was hard to understand or boring (sorry J!) they listened. When I spoke, I felt like they were like, "yeah...yeah...lady...whatever". They were polite to me, but they respected him. HE could correct them a million times...but if I did...I felt a sense of annoyance. At the end, when it was time to do a little "workout", the lady didn't want to do it. I understood that she's sore from the workout earlier in the week. I was aware that we had just spent an hour and a half working on exercises...but it really bothered me that she said she didn't want to workout. Her husband wanted to workout, so J did it with him and he asked me to watch the other his form...count reps...keep track of time and rounds...or just do whatever he needed me to do. I was a bit nervous, but tried to act "in charge". The man actually surprised me. His stamina and form were better than I expected...but just like anyone...there were times towards the end...when he was tired where I told him to watch his back or whatever. When we were done and talking, he flippantly made the comment to me, "Yeah, I heard you talking to me, but I didn't know what you were saying...I wasn't really paying attention to YOU because I was in my own 'zone'." OUCH! It was like a knife in my heart! I felt SO DUMB and I wondered...Why?...Why am I doing this? I know it's probably not personal. I know I gotta toughen up and not be so sensitive.

It's just...other trainers are people who have always been athletes...people that are better at this stuff than most people...experts in a sense. not. I thought that I had something special to offer. No one would know by just looking at me now, that I am the girl that really WAS "picked last in gym". I was the out of shape, fat Mom. I am the girl that has done jumping jacks wrong...that is awkward and inflexible. On the other hand, I am also the girl that lost 70 lbs and went from being a fat sloppy Mom, to the one that surprises people when she walks in...tight shape...with three kids. I am the girl that is not afraid of pain...that uses it as fuel. I am the girl that once beat everyone on that whiteboard...even the men...I was the fastest...the one that didn't stop when it hurt. So, I thought that I was special because I am living proof that ANYONE who wants it bad enough...and doesn't give up...can overcome being awkward and inflexible and devoid of athletic talent. Now, I'm not so sure. Now I feel average and unqualified...invisible.

I have decided though...that I will try anyway. Tomorrow, I will open up the "personal training course" manual and do my best to learn. I will try not to feel intimidated by ex Marines and triathletes. I will try to forget the words that deflated me and made me feel like a loser. All I can try my best. I figure if I can treat this, just like I treat working out...what's on the "guts" and mental strength...will make up for my lack of talent and experience. Tomorrow, I'm going to start climbing up that fence in hopes of making it across to the other side.


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