Sunday, June 29, 2008

Day 288...dOn'T qUiT...

Right now...I want to quit. I want to give up...wave the white flag...stop the ride and get off. It seems to be the natural solution. Some might think this is an extreme reaction to a "bad day"...but it is not. As I sat in a restaurant yesterday...crying in my soup (literally) became clear how out of stupid I really feel.

Because of things I don't care to explain...I struggle with my self image. I question my ability...I doubt my decisions...I worry what others think. Once I feel comfortable in a situation, I do well...but it takes me a little longer and I need reassurance and help. I don't need to be babied or handled with care...but I do need to feel some sort of success or I want to quit. I decided to become a personal trainer. I didn't dream this up...I was encouraged. It's scary because I KNOW what a responsibility it is after being the client to personal trainers for the last 2 years. I'm struggling to find my niche and my confidence. I made some mistakes yesterday at a class. I was aware. I'm not above being told what I did wrong. I need to know what I do wrong, but I cannot deal with feeling attacked or made fun of. I need suggestions as to what I can do better rather than a list of what I do wrong.

I have felt lost...and broken for the last 24 hours. I feel that I will never have the success I desire. I want to help people, but just when I start to feel like I'm "getting it"...just when I start to feel I have something to offer...I am knocked back down to size. So what if people didn't like my warm up yesterday! I wasn't prepared...and I would've had no problem one on one...I was panicked and had about 12 people staring at me. I've never warmed up that many people. Looking back I could've killed it with a little preparation. I'm not talking days notice...I'm talking 30 min notice.

I left the gym feeling so self esteem and confidence at an all time low...physically, I am weak and I am tired. I cannot continue to spiral downward. I cannot face disappointing people anymore. I could go back to pedicures and sleeping in...and being bored. I tried to tell myself all the reasons that I should run away...and then I remembered a conversation. The person that I will be working with WANTS me to help her. She is excited. How can I let her down? More importantly...How could I let MYSELF down? At the same confidence is so shaken that I am literally confused. I am so hesitant and scared that it is paralyzing...NOT good when trying to lead others!!! So do I quit or not?

As stressed as I am...I'm going to try...AGAIN. I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I can't think about next week or even tomorrow. I have to do my best to prepare, and then take each day as it comes. I have to set boundaries and decide what I will accept, because I an NOT a quitter.


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