Friday, June 20, 2008

Day 279...i jUsT wAnnA bE gReAt...

So...I went to the gym...but I was feeling hesitant. I was about to start when 2 guys that have been doing CrossFit at another gym came in to "check us out". They were nice, but I get so weird when people come in these days. I immediately feel inadequate. Now that I am a trainer I feel so much pressure to be better than everyone else that comes to the gym. The problem is that...I'm not. Am I in good shape?...Yes!...better shape than most people I know. It's just that CF is hardcore...it truly is elite fitness on some level and so I feel like I fall short. I didn't talk much...I just hung back while those guys were there. I was feeling frustrated and torn. Frustrated because I wanted to start working out and I couldn't with them there hanging off the bars I needed to do pull ups on...Frustrated because I was there for a paid, one on one training session and I was...waiting and I was feeling like background. I was torn because now...I work there...I have no clients...but I work there. Torn because I felt I couldn't demand my time and I felt an obligation to be accommodating.

Once the guys left we got going. I struggled. Over head squats are a huge weakness for me...as are ring rows. The 8 counts with a jump on the 28 in box were like rest time...I felt like I could do those all night. I left happy...to meet my husband and son for dinner...but as I drove away...I started to defeat myself. I replayed that workout in my mind...over and over and over again. It made me feel sadder and sadder. I don't want to be a whiner...I just want to be great. I want to do well...to make the people that have taught me proud. I want to be a person...an athlete (a loose term to those that know me)...that can be respected...one that is WORTHY of training others. I cried for quite a while after dinner in my room. I felt just like I did that day almost a year ago on that high school track with W...the day I had my physically induced mental breakdown.

I am willing to hurt...to barf...to bleed...to be great. I guess the problem I have is that I hurt all the time...I've barfed once...and I've bled a few times..and still greatness eludes me.

WORKOUT
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10 BURPEES WITH A PULLUP
15 OVERHEAD SQUATS (55 LBS)
20 RING ROWS
25 "8 COUNTS" WITH A BOX JUMP (28 IN BOX)
2 ROUNDS

CARDIO
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25 MIN ON ROWING MACHINE

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