Saturday, June 21, 2008

Day 280...PAIN and PERSEVERANCE...

I woke up with a "crying hangover" from last night's breakdown. I went and tanned and on my way home, my co worker and new friend, A called me. I swore I wouldn't tell anyone how I was feeling. I refused to let everyone know how ridiculously inadequate I'm feeling...but they know...and so it began. He knew I sounded "funny" and after a few spewed out of me. A is frustrated with me. He says I'm the most negative person he's ever met. That made me sad...but I know it's true. He said I put myself down too much...again...sad but true. After...I hated myself for telling him the stuff I did. He wasn't mean to me at all. He always makes me laugh and I appreciate his ability to be completely honest with me...I would never want him to "filter" his opinions because I respect his honesty and I NEEDED to hear what he said...but still...I wish I could be more discreet...I wish I could pretend to love myself.

I got to the gym and we had a staff meeting followed by some silly antics. I gave A a piggy back ride around the gym and unsuccessfully tried to squat him. Then A picked me up in a fireman's hold...squatted me several times...and then spun me until I was begging for mercy. The room literally spun for 20 seconds and It was physically impossible for me to stand. I was SO motion sick, but at least he got me laughing. After A, J, and a friend D got ready to workout. It looked bad on the whiteboard, but NONE of us had any idea how painful this workout would be.

The KB push presses weren't too bad...the first 400 M run was bad but bearable...the 50 pull ups sucked...but it was on that second 400 M run outside in over 90 degrees that I got my first taste of real pain. I got back and started Star Jumps which were hard because I couldn't catch my breath after that run but I got done and hit the door. I knew the run would be bad, but it was unlike anything I could imagine. I felt so fatigued...and dizzy. I literally ran with my eyes shut a few times and I worried that I would throw up in someone's lawn. I hoped that if I fainted...which seemed like a real possibility...that I would do it in front of the firehouse. When I got back, I was scared. I LOVE to push myself to the limit, but this was different. I did not feel right. I started to get the burn in the pit of my gut that you get prior to barfing so I went to the bathroom. All I could do was gag...and gag...and gag...nothing. I splashed water on my face and stumbled back out. I wanted to pick that bar up and continue...but I couldn't. I was literally seeing stars and I wondered if this would be the first workout that I would give up on. J gave me a cup of water and I crawled over to the bar. After a while I managed to get 50 Sump Deadlift Highpulls done. I was glad...except...I still had another run. I ran so slow, but I made it back alive without stopping to walk. The last 50 Thrusters were strange. I would feel strong and get 7 out and body would arms wouldn't press and I would have to put the bar down. I eventually finished...about an hour after we started.

I felt EXTREME physical and mental pain during that hour. I've never felt scared for my physical safety before, but today was nerve racking at times. I was reminded once again that most of our limits are self imposed...perceived limits. It took me almost 45 minutes to "recover" afterwards and I would've loved to go without stopping, but I still felt accomplishment at the end. I felt pain...and I persevered.
400 M RUN
400 M RUN
400 M RUN
50 SDHPS (45 LBS)
400 M RUN


No comments: