Thursday, February 19, 2009

Day 516...oFF baLaNcE...

Today I feel really off balance.  Everything started out just fine.  The sun is shining and I was feeling happy and motivated...ready to go work hard at the gym.  It all crumbled when I got there and started working on handstand pushups.  I can get into the handstand position on the wall and lower myself down...but if I get as low as I should...then I can't push myself back up.  I tried and failed over and over again until I gave up and moved onto my workout.

My workout consisted of different kinds of squats...overhead, front, back, & air (bodyweight) squats...and varying AB exercises in between.  I warmed up and went to clean the 65lbs I was gonna use for my overhead squats and was surprised by the way it felt...heavy.  I chose 65 lbs thinking it would be challenging by the end of 20, but also very do-able because it wasn't so heavy.  I did 5...dropped it...3...dropped it...5...dropped it...2 dropped it...and then the final 5.  This took a while.  I was so frustrated by the time I finished that as soon as I dropped the bar, I sat on the lifting platform and cried like a baby.  I thought about my friend, W...about how much I miss him on days like today.  He always made me feel better when I had these days.  I knew if he were here...he'd listen to me...be sympathetic...not tell me that I need to be "tougher" or blow me off.  I had absolutely no energy...my wrists felt like they were gonna break...I felt completely weak...like a complete failure. 

Anyone who knows me...knows I don't take days like today well at all.  I replay it and practice self-loathing each time.  I tried to pull it together, but I couldn't so I cleaned up my weights...came home...and ate 2 oatmeal chocolate chip cookies (bad choice).  I feel really out of whack...tired.  Maybe tomorrow will be better...

2 comments:

Shorty said...

Look over at your sidebar and remind yourself of the quote you have posted from Christian Larson...believe in yourself. Don't let a physical hurdle bring you down like that. You are so much more than physical fitness and workouts.... I really wish you would see that, my friend! You are so much greater than the workouts, no matter how awesome you think the workout is. Please don't let that define you. You are an AMAZING person even on your worst workout day, and even when you eat too many cookies. I promise....believe me it's true! : )

MC said...

Thanks K! I know I am more than who I am inside the walls of Crossfit. I guess because I was overweight and I changed so much through my transformation...both mentally and physically...I have an unnatural attachment to working out some days. I need to remember that who I became was not MADE from working out...it was in me all the time...that was JUST the catalyst that helped me find it. Thank you for always reminding me to be balanced! You are a good friend!
~M