Day 288...dOn'T qUiT...

Right now...I want to quit. I want to give up...wave the white flag...stop the ride and get off. It seems to be the natural solution. Some might think this is an extreme reaction to a "bad day"...but it is not. As I sat in a restaurant yesterday...crying in my soup (literally)...it became clear how out of control...how unsuccessful...how unappreciated...how stupid I really feel.

Because of things I don't care to explain...I struggle with my self image. I question my ability...I doubt my decisions...I worry what others think. Once I feel comfortable in a situation, I do well...but it takes me a little longer and I need reassurance and help. I don't need to be babied or handled with care...but I do need to feel some sort of success or I want to quit. I decided to become a personal trainer. I didn't dream this up...I was encouraged. It's scary because I KNOW what a responsibility it is after being the client to personal trainers for the last 2 years. I'm struggling to find my niche and my confidence. I made some mistakes yesterday at a class. I was aware. I'm not above being told what I did wrong. I need to know what I do wrong, but I cannot deal with feeling attacked or made fun of. I need suggestions as to what I can do better rather than a list of what I do wrong.

I have felt lost...and broken for the last 24 hours. I feel that I will never have the success I desire. I want to help people, but just when I start to feel like I'm "getting it"...just when I start to feel I have something to offer...I am knocked back down to size. So what if people didn't like my warm up yesterday! I wasn't prepared...and I would've had no problem one on one...I was panicked and had about 12 people staring at me. I've never warmed up that many people. Looking back I could've killed it with a little preparation. I'm not talking days notice...I'm talking 30 min notice.

I left the gym feeling so sad...my self esteem and confidence at an all time low...physically, I am weak and I am tired. I cannot continue to spiral downward. I cannot face disappointing people anymore. I could go back to pedicures and sleeping in...and being bored. I tried to tell myself all the reasons that I should run away...and then I remembered a conversation. The person that I will be working with WANTS me to help her. She is excited. How can I let her down? More importantly...How could I let MYSELF down? At the same time...my confidence is so shaken that I am literally confused. I am so hesitant and scared that it is paralyzing...NOT good when trying to lead others!!! So do I quit or not?

As stressed as I am...I'm going to try...AGAIN. I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I can't think about next week or even tomorrow. I have to do my best to prepare, and then take each day as it comes. I have to set boundaries and decide what I will accept, because I an NOT a quitter.


SUNDAY = REST DAY

Day 287...i'M nOt rEaDy tO mAkE NiCe...

I have A LOT to say, but I'm not ready. I'm not mad...I'm disappointed and hurt. I'm surprised. I think I'll write about today...tomorrow.

Day 286...ReSt iS gOOd...

I normally HATE rest days, but I'm learning how important they are. Unfortunately, I'm not 20 anymore and this is the only body I got. With that being said, I've decided that today I'm resting my sore hips. That run late last night has me limping a bit today, but that's okay. That pain tells me I used my body.

REST DAY

Day 285...hOdGe pOdGe...

Today was a strange hodge podge of a day. I went in to the gym...just me and my son...it was later than I had planned...the morning just got away from me. I did a long warm up and then started my workout. I LOVE Romanian Dead lifts!!! So, of course, I put them in because I never do them with J. I lifted the bar...challenging but not really hard. After the first 10 I realized this workout was not going to be smooth or painless. I finished...then went on to the next exercise...and the next...same problem everytime. I had no fuel. I was in slow motion. On round 2....5 back extensions and the nausea started...then came tears. I sat there hanging off the GHD balling like a baby...all alone. I sucked it up and moved on, but without success. I started to put everything away when the lightbulb over my head lit up. It was after 12 pm and I hadn't eaten anything substantial and what I had eaten...one poptart at 9 AM...was long gone. I had no gas...no energy...stupid. I left and decided that I needed 2 things...food and comfort. That means a trip to Whataburger! Me and my son scarfed down our burgers and I felt much better. Tonight I ran for 45 minutes. Today was a weird hodge podge of movements and emotions, but I survived it all and I'm no worse for the wear! Some days you have to endure...

Day 284..."fiGhT gOnE bAd"...

........hErE's a VidEo oF "fiGhT gOnE bAd" bEinG eXpLaiNeD.........

My sessions with J are done... I'm back on my own...kinda...I still have my "pink book" from W...and workout invites...still I decide what I do...and it's strange...a little scary...I am responsible for me.

So, yesterday J called to talk about some gym "business" and at the end he told me that he and some other guys were gonna do a CrossFit workout called "Fight Gone Bad" tomorrow (today) and invited me to join if I wanted. I've never done it..."Fight Gone Bad"...so I really wanted to try it. It looks brutal but fun. I called and moved my teeth cleaning appointment earlier and headed for the gym. Turns out no one showed but these two guys that came in the other night. That was a bummer...I hoped a bunch of people would be there...but it was still okay. I worried...as I do over everything...because J said he and I were gonna be on a team. I hate being someone's "handicap" but I knew that all I could do is try my hardest.

"Fight Gone Bad" IS brutal. The one other guy kept staring at his watch so I felt rushed to start and really had NO warmup. I think I got about 20 jumping jacks in. Not good. I was sucking air so hard and praying for the last round to end. I didn't do as well as I hoped, but I did okay and I kept going. There is supposed to be people not working out that watch time and count reps. We were doing it ourselves which made it harder and less accurate. I think J probably wished he had a stronger partner...I know he doesn't like to lose, but we still had fun...in a sick...twisted...painful kinda way!

WARMUP
------------
NONE!!! =(

WORKOUT
--------------
"FIGHT GONE BAD"
Three rounds of:
Wall-ball, 20 pound ball for men/CF RX is 14 pound ball for women but I used 16 pound ball because we don't have a 14 pound ball, 10 ft target (count reps)
Sumo deadlift high-pull, 75 pounds for men/55 pounds for women (count reps)
Box Jump, 20" box (count reps)
Push-press, 75 pounds for men/55 pounds for women (count reps)
Row (count calories)

In this workout you move from each of five stations after a minute.The clock does not reset or stop between exercises. This is a five-minute round from which a one-minute break is allowed before repeating. On call of "rotate", the athletes must move to next station immediately and post their "score" or reps for that round. One point is given for each rep, except on the rower where each calorie is one point.

CARDIO
-----------
DONE IN A.M....20 MIN ROWER

Day 283...wOrKiN oN mY LegS...

I woke up this morning expecting to feel the pain in my shoulder...but it is gone. Whew...I'm so glad that didn't turn out to be a long drawn out problem. Still...I didn't want to take a chance or agitate it, so I did leg and ab work. It went well. I felt good...not like I was "She-ra" or a bad a**...but like I had a good workout without killing myself.

WARMUP
-------------
2 MIN ROW
STRETCHING

WORKOUT
---------------
20 OVERHEAD SQUATS (45 LB BAR)
20 GHD SIT UPS
30 FRONT SQUATS (65 LBS)
30 KTES
40 BACK SQUAT (75, 65, 45 LBS)
40 ABMAT SIT UPS
50 AIR SQUATS
50 FROGGIES

CARDIO
-----------
45 MIN ELLIPTICAL

Day 282...iT's HELL gEttiN oLd!!!...

Geez how I wish I could find the fountain of youth!!! It's SOOO cliche...but...I really DO feel 25 on the inside...if only my body would follow suit. Sometimes these days, I feel so easily "damaged". Point in case...my shoulders and back felt sore and tight this morning...but I was okay...until one wrong move. Now I have a tingly, numb pain in upper back/shoulder area. It feels like a pinched nerve. So...it pisses me off and it put an end to working out the way I wanted today...BUT...I can't change it by being frustrated so I'm trying to just take a breath and go with it. I'm TRYING to be more positive.

CARDIO
-------------
WALK WITH MY SIS

Day 281...sUndAy mUsiNgs...

I've worried about success in the gym lately...or my seeming lack thereof...and I realize that I've let my disappointment there seep into every other aspect of my life. I came across an unexpected definition of success.

Ralph Waldo Emerson gave an interesting yardstick of sorts that can be used to measure our personal success...

"What is success?
To laugh often and much;
To win the respect of intelligent people
and the affection of children;
To earn the appreciation of honest critics
and endure the betrayal of false friends;
To appreciate beauty;
To find the best in others;
To leave the world a bit better, whether by
a healthy child, a garden patch
or a redeemed social condition;
To know even one life has breathed
easier because you have lived;
This is to have succeeded."

....................FOOD FOR THOUGHT....................

.............................SUNDAY=REST DAY..............................

Day 280...PAIN and PERSEVERANCE...

I woke up with a "crying hangover" from last night's breakdown. I went and tanned and on my way home, my co worker and new friend, A called me. I swore I wouldn't tell anyone how I was feeling. I refused to let everyone know how ridiculously inadequate I'm feeling...but they know...and so it began. He knew I sounded "funny" and after a few questions...it spewed out of me. A is frustrated with me. He says I'm the most negative person he's ever met. That made me sad...but I know it's true. He said I put myself down too much...again...sad but true. After...I hated myself for telling him the stuff I did. He wasn't mean to me at all. He always makes me laugh and I appreciate his ability to be completely honest with me...I would never want him to "filter" his opinions because I respect his honesty and I NEEDED to hear what he said...but still...I wish I could be more discreet...I wish I could pretend to love myself.

I got to the gym and we had a staff meeting followed by some silly antics. I gave A a piggy back ride around the gym and unsuccessfully tried to squat him. Then A picked me up in a fireman's hold...squatted me several times...and then spun me until I was begging for mercy. The room literally spun for 20 seconds and It was physically impossible for me to stand. I was SO motion sick, but at least he got me laughing. After A left...me, J, and a friend D got ready to workout. It looked bad on the whiteboard, but NONE of us had any idea how painful this workout would be.

The KB push presses weren't too bad...the first 400 M run was bad but bearable...the 50 pull ups sucked...but it was on that second 400 M run outside in over 90 degrees that I got my first taste of real pain. I got back and started Star Jumps which were hard because I couldn't catch my breath after that run but I got done and hit the door. I knew the run would be bad, but it was unlike anything I could imagine. I felt so nauseous...so fatigued...and dizzy. I literally ran with my eyes shut a few times and I worried that I would throw up in someone's lawn. I hoped that if I fainted...which seemed like a real possibility...that I would do it in front of the firehouse. When I got back, I was scared. I LOVE to push myself to the limit, but this was different. I did not feel right. I started to get the burn in the pit of my gut that you get prior to barfing so I went to the bathroom. All I could do was gag...and gag...and gag...nothing. I splashed water on my face and stumbled back out. I wanted to pick that bar up and continue...but I couldn't. I was literally seeing stars and I wondered if this would be the first workout that I would give up on. J gave me a cup of water and I crawled over to the bar. After a while I managed to get 50 Sump Deadlift Highpulls done. I was glad...except...I still had another run. I ran so slow, but I made it back alive without stopping to walk. The last 50 Thrusters were strange. I would feel strong and get 7 out and then...my body would quit...my arms wouldn't press and I would have to put the bar down. I eventually finished...about an hour after we started.

I felt EXTREME physical and mental pain during that hour. I've never felt scared for my physical safety before, but today was nerve racking at times. I was reminded once again that most of our limits are self imposed...perceived limits. It took me almost 45 minutes to "recover" afterwards and I would've loved to go without stopping, but I still felt accomplishment at the end. I felt pain...and I persevered.
WORKOUT
---------------
50 PUSH PRESS (18 LB KETTLE BELLS-ALTERNATING-25 EA ARM)
400 M RUN
50 PULL UPS
400 M RUN
50 STAR JUMPS
400 M RUN
50 SDHPS (45 LBS)
400 M RUN
50 THRUSTERS (45 LBS)

STRETCH

Day 279...i jUsT wAnnA bE gReAt...

So...I went to the gym...but I was feeling hesitant. I was about to start when 2 guys that have been doing CrossFit at another gym came in to "check us out". They were nice, but I get so weird when people come in these days. I immediately feel inadequate. Now that I am a trainer I feel so much pressure to be better than everyone else that comes to the gym. The problem is that...I'm not. Am I in good shape?...Yes!...better shape than most people I know. It's just that CF is hardcore...it truly is elite fitness on some level and so I feel like I fall short. I didn't talk much...I just hung back while those guys were there. I was feeling frustrated and torn. Frustrated because I wanted to start working out and I couldn't with them there hanging off the bars I needed to do pull ups on...Frustrated because I was there for a paid, one on one training session and I was...waiting and I was feeling like background. I was torn because now...I work there...I have no clients...but I work there. Torn because I felt I couldn't demand my time and I felt an obligation to be accommodating.

Once the guys left we got going. I struggled. Over head squats are a huge weakness for me...as are ring rows. The 8 counts with a jump on the 28 in box were like rest time...I felt like I could do those all night. I left happy...to meet my husband and son for dinner...but as I drove away...I started to defeat myself. I replayed that workout in my mind...over and over and over again. It made me feel sadder and sadder. I don't want to be a whiner...I just want to be great. I want to do well...to make the people that have taught me proud. I want to be a person...an athlete (a loose term to those that know me)...that can be respected...one that is WORTHY of training others. I cried for quite a while after dinner in my room. I felt just like I did that day almost a year ago on that high school track with W...the day I had my physically induced mental breakdown.

I am willing to hurt...to barf...to bleed...to be great. I guess the problem I have is that I hurt all the time...I've barfed once...and I've bled a few times..and still greatness eludes me.

WORKOUT
--------------
10 BURPEES WITH A PULLUP
15 OVERHEAD SQUATS (55 LBS)
20 RING ROWS
25 "8 COUNTS" WITH A BOX JUMP (28 IN BOX)
2 ROUNDS

CARDIO
------------
25 MIN ON ROWING MACHINE

Day 278...wHy dO i dO tHiS?...

On days when I'm frustrated...or hurting...or feeling defeated...I ask myself, "Why do I do this?". Why do I push myself to the limit? Why do I do things that I know will cause me pain? Why do I WANT to do this again when I'm so sore I can't stand it? Easy to answer...without hesitation...because I love the way it makes me look..and feel...and think. I'm always wanting more. I never think I look good enough...never muscular enough...never skinny enough...the list goes on...BUT...I'm not an idiot. I know it keeps me looking younger and better. I like my body better now than I did 15 years ago. I love the way it makes me feel...sometimes I get frustrated or sad...BUT most of the time I feel satisfaction...I feel a rush when I complete a difficult workout. I am not only stronger physically than when I was younger...I am stronger mentally. I have learned that the struggle and pain brings understanding...confidence...and clarity.

I've been really sore for the last few days. I only did cardio yesterday and today...and my run today was painful. I feel worried...like it's not enough...but I knew I should "rest". I felt like I couldn't do as much as I wanted and fear what tomorrow will bring but still...I look forward to it.

CARDIO
-------------
30 MIN RUN (4 MILES)

...the soundtrack for my run..."THE BEST OF THE RAMONES"...

Day 277...ouchie!...

I'm sore...REALLY sore! My quads have been sore since yesterday. I guess all those Wallballs on Monday got me. Thanks "Karen"!!! My shoulders are also CRAZY sore. My chigger bites were itching and I couldn't even scratch my own back because it hurt so bad to reach around. I'm not usually really sore, but I'm pretty bad off. That's good though. It means I did something that my body wasn't used to. Anyways, I decided to skip any type of weightlifting today. I just did cardio.

CARDIO
-------------
2 MILE WALK WITH MY SIS
LATER...
45 MIN ELLIPTICAL

Day 276...sLeeP waLkiNg...

I am so incredibly sleepy! I want more than anything to just lay on my bed and sleep...but I don't have time...I have stuff to do. I feel like I've been sleep walking my way through the afternoon...looking for any spot that I can rest my head. Did I go to bed late? Not really. Why am I tired? Ask my friend and coworker...after all...it's his fault.

So, I got my personal training certificate. It's official. I've been training for a couple of years with trainers, so I know what to do. Still...it takes practice and studying to be able to actually do it. So my friend, A that works at CF with me, has graciously offered to help me. He let me watch him train a client this morning and when she was done...he asked if I was gonna workout. I said, "Yes." and he offered to let me workout with his next client if I wanted. I agreed.

It was a great workout. I really enjoyed it...BUT...it left me exhausted. I guess I just pushed so hard that I used all the gas in my tank and now I'm running on fumes. When I stopped by the store after, I looked like I'd been smoking something in my car..my eyes were all blood shot from the sweat that fell in them. Ha! Too funny.

Anywho...it looks like I'll be a zombie for the rest of today since I gotta get ready to go to the water park for my husband's work, family party. It'll be fun once I get there and get going. Today was really hard and REALLY fun.

WARMUP
----------------
20 MIN ROW
A's "WARM UP" (LOTS OF CALISTHENICS AND STRETCHING...IT'S A MINI WORKOUT)

WORKOUT
-------------------
DEADLIFT WARMUPS (10 WITH 65LBS-8 WITH 95LBS)
THEN:
DEADLIFTS 5-5-5-5-5 (135LBS)

THEN:
6 BOX JUMPS
10 "MAN MAKERS"
15 V-UPS (hated em with W..STILL hate em)
4 ROUNDS

THEN:
WALKING LUNGES ACROSS ROOM
INCHWORM WITH A PUSH UP BACK ACROSS ROOM
FLYING BURPEES BACK ACROSS (WITHOUT PUSHUP)
2 ROUNDS

CARDIO
---------------
Uhhhh...no...we'll count that 20 min on the rower and an evening running around a water park for today

Day 275...mEEtiNg "kArEn"...

Today I met Karen. She wasn't quite what I expected. I thought she was a bee-yotch...but I think I actually like her. New girl at the gym??? Nope...a Crossfit benchmark workout that I've never done before...one of the "girls" called "Karen".
"Karen" is 150 wallballs...that's standing in a good squat position, holding a dynamax ball with both hands at your chest (just under your chin), going down into a squat just below parallel, and throwing the ball with both hands at a 9ft target in a fluid motion. Then you catch it and go back down into the squat (not in separate movements but fluidly). I like squats, but I was worried that my shoulders would give out. I was surprised. It wasn't so bad. In fact, I think I could've pushed a little harder. I got it done in 11:53...next time I'll be under 10.

It seems so strange to do a 12 min workout. I started doing 1 min jumprope and 1 min D-ball slams for 10 minutes...thinking I was fresh...that I hadn't done too much...WRONG!...but I did it. Now I'm off to run. Today was good.

WARMUP
-------------
1000M ROW
THEN...a small version of the CROSSFIT warmup
SAMSON STRETCH
10 OVERHEAD SQUATS (PVC)
5 PULLUPS
10 GHD SIT UPS
10 GHD BACK EXTENSIONS
2 ROUNDS
(THIS IS WHY THERE ARE CROSSFIT T-SHIRTS THAT SAY "OUR WARMUP IS YOUR WORKOUT")

WORKOUT
-----------------
"KAREN"
150 WALL BALL SHOTS (9FT-12LB DYNAMAX BALL)
11:53

5 ROUNDS
1 MIN JUMPROPE
1 MIN D-BALL SLAMS

CARDIO
-------------
BRITTON RUN (3 MILES)

Day 274...SeLf DiScOveRy...

"For those who use the gym as a tool of self-discovery every success is the cue for analysis, and every failure produces the same reaction: what allowed me to transcend today? Or, what caused me to fall short? " - Mark Twight-GYM JONES

Days 272...273...???...

I'm really tired, but I feel like I need to write. I feel an empty ache in the pit of my stomach and writing always makes me feel better.

Yesterday...Day 272...I knew would be pitiful. I was tired from being a chaperone at camp all week, but I wanted to workout anyway...to get back on track. As I had thought...I WAS indeed pitiful...but I went and I tried. I struggled with the power cleans. I kept curling/muscling the bar up instead of falling under it...which is more work...not to mention exhausting and frustrating. I never could get it to "click" in my mind. Ring dips and I are NOT friends, but whatever...I went and did it anyway

WORKOUT
------------
10 POWER CLEANS(135 LBS)
10 RING DIPS
500 M ROW
5 ROUNDS

CARDIO
-----------
45 MIN ELLIPTICAL (IN A.M.)


Today...Day 273...I went in hoping for success. My workout started out REALLY rough, but ended okay...I guess. I want to feel good at something, but I feel less than. I want to make people proud, but I feel like I let them down. I feel out of sync...a little sad...but I'll be okay. I always am...somehow...eventually. The good thing was that I got to go to lunch with some friends and they made me feel good and cheered me up. Thanks W and A.

Oh...and for the record...I HATE double unders!

WORKOUT
-----------------
Run .30 miles
30 Rower Pulls or 30 SDHP (45 lbs)
30 Double-Unders (subbed tuck jumps)
30 KB Swings (44 lbs)
30 DB Push Presses (35 lbs)
30 Box Jumps (24”)
30 Rower Pulls or 30 SDHP (45 lbs)
30 Double-Unders (subbed tuck jumps)
30 GHD Sit-ups
30 GHD Back Extensions
30 Burpees
30 Rower Pulls or 30 SDHP (45 lbs)
30 Double-Unders (subbed tuck jumps)
30 Walking Lunges

1 Round for Time (43 MIN)

Day 271...i HATE cHiggErs!!!...

I just got back from being a chaperone for an all girls church camp for 4 days. Needless to say...I've had NO sleep...eaten disgusting unhealthy cafeteria food during the day and junk at night...I am dirty...and I have some pretty nasty chigger bites. I went determined to workout every morning. I took my jumprope, some resistance bands, and my kettlebells. All I had to do was 3 workouts...I did one.

I'm surprised by how hard it was for me. I worked out with J on Monday early before I left for camp, and Tuesday I got up at 5:45 and worked out before everyone else got up. My excuse for Wednesday was that we were supposed to do a 5 mile hike, but it turned out to be a HALF MILE nature stroll. I was SO disappointed...but not surprised. Everyone talks about how outta shape kids and teenagers are (a lot of girls there were much bigger than me), but then adults are too lazy to do anything about it. Our 5 mile hike was a short stroll because the leaders didn't want to walk 5 miles. Great example huh? Today, I jumped up at 6 and went to change and as soon as I started to put my sports bra on..I noticed a bunch of bad chigger bites on my sides back and underarms. I was exhausted from listening to the girls in my cabin talk and giggle and go back and forth between our cabin and the one next door ALL NIGHT. That was all I needed to lay in bed, sing "Gee Mom I wanna go, but they won't let me go, Gee Mom I wanna go HOME!". I didn't want to get all hot and sweaty and make the intense itchiness worse. The dumb part is that I was itchy anyway,

So now...I'm DREADING the gym tomorrow. I had SO much fun with the girls at camp, but I've had a really sucky week fitness/nutrition wise. Maybe this was what I needed to get me to get serious about making some changes to be better...we'll see.

Day 266...fUn WiTh tHe bOyS...

Today was a fun day at the gym. I listened...I spoke...I taught...I learned...I struggled...I relaxed...I hated...I laughed. So today started early and encompassed A LOT as you can guess by all the different things I described. I got to the gym around 8:45AM because J was teaching a "Foundations" class to 2 guys that will be training there. Another trainer, A, also came to observe like me. A is the brother of my good friend, and ex trainer...W. He is now working at CF Mansfield with J and I. He is a wild man and a lot of fun.

We watched and helped a bit. We also giggled and whispered like 2 kids in the back of a classroom...not because we were being disrespectful...we were just havin fun. When the guys in the class got done learning and going through a short workout, A and I worked out. We did different workouts, but we did em at the the same time. He was heavy lifting...I was running and swinging and rowing and throwing. Wow...that sounds like a Dr. Seuss story...ha!

Once we were done working out and cooling off, A and I decided to try and convince J to come to our favorite Mexican restaurant. He resisted because he always eats healthy and had stuff to do...but finally...we persuaded him to come over to "the dark side" with us. Those boys are somethin else! Yikes!...what a strange thing it is to be a woman among men. There was some major testosterone in the air! Let's just say I know more about them then I probably ever wanted to know! I had so much fun though...and eating my favorite Mexican food too?!?...that was the icing on the cake! I really enjoyed spending the first part of my day with them. I think we are going to have a fun summer!

WORKOUT
-------------
800 M RUN
10 KETTLE BELL SNATCH (18 LB KB...10 EA ARM...20 TOTAL)
500 M ROW
20 WALL BALL (12 LB MED BALL)
3 ROUNDS

Day 265...LOOK Ma! No bloody hands!!!...

I had to go in to workout with J later than normal. I don't like to workout in the evening...especially on a Friday...but J has fire school now so I have to take what I can get...and that's okay. Today was hard. I was sweating and gasping. Sometimes things are so much harder than they first appear.

I was SO tired midway through this workout...and it took me probably 10 minutes longer than I would have liked...but I felt good when I was done. I hate Push Jerks...but it was GREAT practice...and it was very satisfying to use 20 lbs more than before. It WAS hard but I managed it. The most exciting thing was that after 45 pull ups...my hands are "in tact"...no blood...no ripped calluses! That is such a breakthrough!!! I never thought I'd see the day I get to leave the gym without bandages after a pull up workout. Sometimes the smallest things can make you happy!

WARMUP
------------
750 M ROW
STRETCHING

WORKOUT
---------------
15 DUMB BELL CLEANS WITH (2) 25 LB DBs
15 BURPEES
15 PULL UPS
15 PUSH JERKS (65 LBS)
3 ROUNDS

CARDIO
------------
30 MIN ELLIPTICAL (7A.M.)

Day 264...oN tHe oThEr SiDe...

Today, I'm resting. It's killing me, but I'm trying to rest 2 days a week now. I feel fat, but I have also been feeling REALLY burned out. My legs are not even sore, but my hips are.

So, because I'm "resting", it was odd to go in to the gym. Obviously, I didn't go in to workout. I went in to observe J training his client D. It is so interesting to be on "the other side"...so weird to watch someone struggle when YOU are the one used to struggling. Ever so often, I would feel myself tensing up...as though I were doing the work. D did well. He was struggling and thought he would only do 2 of the 3 rounds, but he fought through and did all 3. YES! That's what I like to see. I was impressed because I know how hard it was for him. That was just more proof that most of our limitations are self imposed...that we can push past and do more then we thought possible.

REST DAY

Day 263...LEGS!!!...

Today was lots of squats for STRONG legs with some ABS in between. It wasn't as hard as I expected. Don't get me wrong...it wasn't easy...but it didn't kill me either. I probably could've gone heavier. I may not think that tomorrow...because tomorrow I could be really sore.

WARMUP
-----------
500 M ROW
10 PUSH UPS
10 DIPS
ARM CIRCLES
SQUAT PRACTICE WITH PVC
SAMSON STRETCH

WORKOUT
--------------
20 OVERHEAD SQUATS (35 LBS)
20 GHD SIT UPS
30 FRONT SQUATS (55 LBS)
30 KTE
40 BACK SQUAT (75 LBS)
40 ABMAT SIT UPS (ANCHORED)
50 AIR SQUATS
50 FROGGIES

CARDIO
-------------
2.5 MILE RUN @ PARK

Day 262...hArDeR tHaN i tHoUgHt...

Today's workout was harder than I thought it would be. Looking back..I have no idea why I thought that it would be so easy...but I did. I ran early this morning because I knew I was training with J late today and I wanted to have cardio out of the way. I never do heavy Sumo Deadlift High Pulls...65 lbs is usually really heavy for me...so as soon as I layed my hands on that bar that weighed 75 lbs...I was nervous...with good reason. 75 lbs is hard for me. It was slow and taxing...it wasn't pretty...and I ended up with scraped shins...but I did it. The hardest part of all was the ring pull ups. Those just demolish me. There were at least 3 or 4 reps at different times/rounds where I had to fight with EVERY fiber of my body to lock my elbows out...and the 3 seconds or so that I fought felt more like minutes. I was so glad when I was done. I wish I could've been more impressive. There was a guy in the gym that comes by once a week to use the gym and I'm sure he thought I was a weak wuss. In fact...after he got done doing some Olympic lifting...he did the same workout that me and J did and beat us BOTH!!! Way to go C!

I felt a little inadequate. I wondered how I can struggle like I did and then be qualified to train other people. I realize now...that although I DO feel inadequate...training is NOT about perfection. It's about improvement. It's about doing more tomorrow than you could do last week. It's about loving the program...and loving the difference that you can make in another person's life. It's about caring...and I care.

I'll never be the strongest...or most agile...or fastset...or best...but I LOVE working out. I love being stronger in my late 30s than I was in my 20s. I love the intensity and the challenge of Crossfit. No matter who you are...no matter how advanced or strong...you can always learn and be challenged and improve. I may not be impressive. I may be the least qualified person working there on paper...but I will do whatever I can to help other people change their bodies and minds. If I can do that for one person...I'll consider myself a success.

And...you know what? In the end...I did pretty good today. I finished a tough workout and I can go to sleep tonight feeling like I accomplished something. J keeps telling me..."Confidence!". I need to remember that.

WARMUP
-----------
2 MIN JUMP ROPE
10 PUSH UPS
10 DIPS
15 SQUATS WITH PVC AGAINT POLE
10 ARM CIRCLES (EA DIRECTION...BIG AND SMALL)
SAMSON STRETCH

WORKOUT
----------------
21, 15, 9
SUMO DEAD LIFT HIGH PULLS (75 LBS)
24 IN BOX JUMPS
RING PUSH UPS (FEET ON SMALL BOX)
MY TIME = 15:45
( J AND C KILLED ME. J TIME = 13:20 C TIME = 11:04 )

CARDIO
-----------
6 A.M. - 5 K "BRITTON" CIRCLE RUN

Day 261...bAcK "hOmE"...

Today was my first day back at my regular..."home" gym. J's been gone on a trip for the last 2 weeks, so it's been a while. I was feeling a little nauseous...nervous about how I would perform. I got there late...as usual...and warmed up with a jump rope. J showed me the path I should take on my run and I was ready to go. Once again, I was surprised by the difficulty I had with strength. I couldn't bench 95 lbs...whatever!...I'm so over feeling weak. Luckily, my friend W's brother, came by to talk to J about working at his place. A is a nice guy...and he knows a lot. My workout was supposed to be timed...but my time was pitiful because I kept talking to him. Oh well, I still got a good workout. The funniest thing was when I started talking about an exercise and saying it was for my back and A goes, "Back?!? That's like chest and tricep woman!". J laughs and goes, "Uhh, yeah...you may wanna get that figured out now that you are going to be training people." I said, "I never said I know what I'm doing! I admit I have a lot to learn." A said, "I think I'm gonna be spending a lot of time helpin you!". We all laughed. HA! It was a hilarious little moment. Gosh...I'm so blonde at times. I'l show those boys! One day I am going to be the BEST trainer!

I was thinking about going out for a run tonight, but my hips are kinda sore. I think what I need is to go to bed early and be fresh tomorrow. I really only wanted to run because I feel guilty about eating too much at dinner anyways. I have to go to the doc in the morning so I'm stressed. I feel like I have to be perfect there. I worry about what to wear...I fear looking fat...I completely psych myself out until I walk out of the office. I'll be glad when it's over. Anywho...I'm signing off for bed...I have a stomach ache and I can't quit yawning.

WARMUP
--------------
2 MIN JUMPROPE
ARM CIRCLES, SAMSON STRETCH, ETC

WORKOUT
------------------
1 MILE RUN
THEN:
MAX REPS BENCH PRESS WITH 3/4 BODY WEIGHT (95LBS-DID MUCH LESS WEIGHT BUT DUNNO WHAT IT WAS 65?-REPS= 15, 15, 9, 15, 12?)
10 GHD SIT UPS
10 GHD BACK EXTENSIONS
REPEAT FOR 5 ROUNDS
THEN:
RUN 1 MILE

NO EXTRA CARDIO...I FIGURED THE RUNS IN MY WORKOUT WERE GOOD ENOUGH

Days 259...260...mAgNeTic...

So...I got busy yesterday and I never got around to "blogging". As I've done before...I'll just lump two days into one post.

DAY 259...SATURDAY..."mAgNeTic"...
So, I went to the gym with two of my kids, because my husband took my oldest child to a swim meet. I only had about an hour and 10 minutes...so I had to hurry. I warmed up and got started...before long...I got my first interruption.

Now I have to preface this story by saying that people usually DON'T talk to me at the gym. They probably think I'm psycho...and I AM a bit psycho when I'm focused and working hard. I grimace and I grunt and I try not to make eye contact because I'm usually timing myself and I don't want to waste time talking. Every now and again, I get the brave soul that speaks...but this day was like NO OTHER!

I was on my first of three rounds of Leg Extensions followed by Romanian Deadlifts. I was just finishing the "RDL"s when the first man approached me. He asked me if I train with J...why are you here instead of his gym?...etc. Then he moves on to the question that cracks me up..."What are you training for?" I say "Nothing...life...my mental health..." The hilarious part is that my back was to the mirror and he kept staring at my butt in the mirror while he was talking to me. HELLO!!! DO YOU NOT THINK I CAN SEE YOU?!? After lots of questions...come the compliments. I get SO embarrassed when men compliment me. He starts saying things like..."You SHOULD train for a competion. You are amazing! I mean really...you look amazing!". He was saying it loud enough for EVERYONE in the room to hear. I was mentally digging a hole to climb in and hide. When he was done, I finished the first part of my workout and moved on to the second part. About 3/4 of the way through...another man stops me...motions for me to take down my headphones...and begins telling me how "cool" my tanktop is. Hmmmm wonder what he was lookin at... I was polite and after a couple of minutes of tank top talk and compliments about how hard I work...he walked away. Phew! Finally I got done.

I had exactly 35 minutes for cardio before the daycare closed. I got on the treadmill and began walking fast at the highest incline. Suddenly, I felt eyes burning a hole through me. NOT AGAIN! You gotta be kiddin me! It was a young guy asking me what kind of phone I have. I responded..."a Sidekick 3". He replied, "You don't have a Blackberry?!?" I wanted to be a smart alec and say, "OOPS! You caught me! I always lie about what kind of phone I have! Really I have a Blackberry!" I controlled myself and politely repeated that I have a Sidekick 3. He continues telling me that he found a Blackberry...he thought it might be mine...I look like someone that would have a Blackberry...yada yada yada. It didn't end there. He starts asking me why I never carry my phone and telling me how impressed he is with me. AGAIN...I'm dying! He left and I finished up, stretched and got my kids. As I left I thought to myself, "Wow! I've got some kinda magnetism goin on today!" My thought were interrupted by the sound of a horn honking. I looked over to see "Water Fountain Guy" waving and honking. Whoa...the stars were definitely in some kind of alignment... It was an interesting day at the gym.

WARMUP
------------
2 MIN JUMPROPE
1 MIN ALTERNATING TOE TAPS ON "STEP BENCH"
ARM CIRCLES, STRETCHING, ETC

WORKOUT
----------------
21, 15, 9
LEG EXTENSIONS (50 LBS)
ROMANIAN DEADLIFTS (65 LBS)
THEN:
21, 15, 9
THRUSTERS (55 LBS)
PULL UPS (KIPPING)

CARDIO
------------
30 MIN TREADMILL ( FAST PACE/HIGHEST INCLINE)
STRETCH

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

DAY 260...SUNDAY..."RELIEF"...
I took a test a little over a week ago to become a Certified Personal Trainer. Since then...I have checked the mail EVERYDAY...looking for my results. People kept calling and emailing to ask if I passed. I was terrified that I would fail and that everyone would think I was a stupid loser. Finally...I got my test results that I have been nervously anticipating on Saturday afternoon. I'm not a go in and get a letter opener kinda person. I'm a rip it open on the way in the house person. NOT yesterday...I held the large envelope in my hands and stared at it on the curb until the reflection of the sun on the white envelope started to blind me. I was so afraid to open it. I decided that it was a large envelope which probably meant that I passed and my certificate was enclosed. I opened it up and saw "Congratulations!". I jumped up and down in my entry way and I yelled up to my kids that I passed. They don't care, but I had to audibly tell SOMEONE.

I am so relieved and a little nervous too. I'm certified to do something that I have never done before...and that's scary. I just keep trying to remind myself that deep down...I DO know this stuff...that I need to be confident in that and have faith. So, here goes nothin! I'm going to try my best to do a good job..to not make too many mistakes...and to learn from the ones that I will inevitably make without becoming discouraged.

If I can give someone...anyone...a fraction of what I have been given...I will feel so happy and fulfilled.

SUNDAY = REST DAY

Day 258...i mAdE iT oUt aLiVe...bAreLy...

I got back to business today. I chose a workout that would be more metabolic conditioning so that I could skip cardio, because my daughter is playing "hooky" and I didn't want her to spend half the day in the gym. Within about 3 minutes...I was pouring sweat...the veins on my temples were sticking out...and my face was red. I was quite a spectacle. I don't have any funny antidotes or moving revelations...I just worked hard and I made it out of the gym alive...barely. Now it's time for ice packs for my knees and Motrin for my splitting headache. And to think that...once again...I did it to myself...and I loved it!

WARMUP
------------
2 MIN ELLIPTICAL
SAMSON STRETCH
ARM, HIP, & KNEE CIRCLES

WORKOUT
----------------
20 MED BALL SLAMS (12LBS)
20 KETTLE BELL SWINGS (35 LBS)
20 INCLINE SITUPS
20 PUSH PRESS (35 LBS)
20 BACK SQUATS (45 LB BAR)
20 BURPEES (W/ PUSH UP)
RUN 400 M
REPEAT FOR 3 ROUNDS (TIME=39 MINUTES)

STRETCH

----------TODAY'S "POWER" SONG - "VIVA LA VIDA"-Coldplay----------

Day 257...LoNg CaRdiO...

My legs are feeling better and better. Tomorrow I should be able to "work em" again. For today...loooong cardio.

CARDIO
-------------
1 HR ELLIPTICAL

Day 256...sTiLL LiMpiNg...

So, I'm literally limping because my legs are STILL so sore. I had to take my car to the shop because it's doing weird stuff. The technicians gave me an invisible, patronizing pat on the head and said the strange dragging, grinding sound...the one I have never heard in the 3 years I have been driving my car...is just "road noise"...typical trip to the auto shop for a woman. I'm so glad I delayed my trip to the gym for that!

I finally got to the gym...much later than I planned...limping...and one of the trainers says, "What did you do? Why are you limping?". I said that I was sore and briefly explained my assanine decision to add extra weight and how bad it hurt me. He smiled and said, "And to think...YOU did it to YOURSELF!". Yes...I did. I did more arms and lots of cardio. Now, I'm limping into bed.

CARDIO
------------
30 MIN RECUMBENT BIKE

WORKOUT
---------------
15 FORWARD CABLE PRESS (IN LUNGE POSITION-15 EA ARM-40 LBS)
15 BICEP CABLE CURL (60 LBS)
15 LAT PULLDOWN (90 LBS)
15 KTES
3 ROUNDS

12 MACHINE ADDUCTOR (130 LBS)
12 MACHINE ABDUCTOR (130 LBS)
3 ROUNDS

CARDIO
------------
30 MIN RUNNING INTERVALS (3 MIN RUN/3 MIN WALK)
STRETCH

*the machines are obviously off...b/c I don't think I can use 60 lbs...that's just what the machines at Utopia say...cuz they suck

Day 255...sORe LegS...

"BEWARE THE WORKOUT THAT SEEMS EASY." -Mark Twight

Whoa...my legs are so sore! I screwed up yesterday. I took a workout and got the bright idea to add more weight...thinking it would be too easy. Now I know that the weight was lighter FOR A REASON! I haven't had sore quads like this in...I don't know when. It's great to take a week off, but gettin back on track is hard. Today, I focused mostly on my upper body and my butt, because every time I sit or get still and then have to move again...my legs feel awful. It feels like my muscles are ripped to shreds. Once I get movin, I'm okay...it's the initial movement that is so painful. I didn't lift super heavy or do max reps, but I decided to change it up from high reps/sets to heavier weights and lower reps. I wanted a weight that would feel hard by the time I got to 12...one that I couldn't go for a long time with. I couldn't go very heavy on bench press, because I was alone. I just chose a weight that wasn't so heavy that I would need help. I think I'll just do cardio tomorrow so everything can "rest"...then get back to it on Thursday.

WARMUP
------------
5 MIN ELLIPTICAL
STRETCHING

WORKOUT
----------------
12 BENCH PRESS (65LBS)
12 BENT ROWS ON BENCH (12 EA ARM-27.5 LB DUMB BELL)
3 SETS

25 BACK EXTENSIONS
3 SETS (W 90 SEC REST BETWEEN EA SET)

12 TRICEP EXTENSION (12 LB DUMB BELL)
12 LATERAL RAISE (2-8LB DUMB BELLS)
12 FRONT RAISE (2-8LB DUMB BELLS)
12 BICEP CURLS (35 LB BAR)
3 SETS

RANDOM BITS...
30 SEC LEG RAISE ON BENCH (30 SEC EA LEG-FOOT FLEXED-OTHER ON FLOOR-LIFTED ONLY AS HIGH AS I COULD W/O HIP MOVEMENT) 2 SETS
50 KICKBACKS (100 TOTAL/50 EA LEG)
1 MIN BRIDGE (LIFT HIPS TO BRIDGE AND EXTEND ONE LEG STRAIGHT IN AIR KEEPING KNEES SAME HEIGHT- 30 SEC EA LEG)
50 BUTT LIFTS IN BRIDGE POSITION

CARDIO
------------
30 MIN ELLIPTICAL

STRETCH

Here's an article by Mark Twight that describes EXACTLY what I have done to myself...

EASY
BY MARK TWIGHT
"Beware the workout that appears easy.

In the early days we thought we were smart. We should have read the fine print. Surfing the web we found a workout that looked effective though easy.

“150 Squats + 800m Run + 150 Squats”

With no obvious prescription for weight both Blitz and I picked 25% of 1RM, which for me at the time was 65 pounds, and for Blitz 55. I knocked out 70, 50 and 20, ran 800m, recalculated the math to learn I'd only done 140 and finished the workout with 40, 40, 40, 30, 10. I squeaked through the workout in 23 minutes and felt buzzed all day. I kept thinking, “Man that was great.”

The next morning I could barely walk and going down the stairs was out of the question. The day after that I was really sore and disguising it was difficult. Two days after that the pain began to subside and finally five days after the “easy” workout I was able to train my legs again.

I later learned that the prescription for weight was none, and simple air squats probably would have been plenty."

UGH!!! I took W's workout and screwed it up. I thought I could just adjust the weights with no repercussions. Well...I guess it was a painful lesson learned.

Day 254...bAcK tO wOrK...

Well, I gave J my word that I would take it easy last week. I was burned out...bad. It wasn't hard to keep my word, because I was so busy with Cooper and studying. So, I got up today and knew that it was time to get "back to work"...break time is officially over. I chose a tough workout and headed out.

It was really hard. I thought I might die in the middle of the Sumo Deadlift High Pulls...70...is...A LOT! I was sweating like crazy. It was running down my cheek and my neck. I had to push hard to finish...but I did. My head was splitting when I finished, but I felt good about the fact that I kept going...when I SO wanted to quit.

WARMUP
------------
5 MIN ELLIPTICAL

WORKOUT
---------------
10 PULL UPS (KIPPING)
20 PUSH UPS
30 PUSH PRESS (STARTED WITH 45 LB BAR...SWITCHED TO 35 LB BAR AFTER 5 B/C IT WAS GONNA TAKE A LONG TIME AFTER PULL UPS AND PUSH UPS)
40 ROMANIAN DEAD LIFTS (55 LBS)
50 SITUPS (INCLINE BENCH)
60 SEATED ROWS (50 LBS)
70 SUMO DEAD LIFT HIGH PULLS (45 LB BAR)
80 AIR SQUATS
90 FROGGIES
100 LUNGES (TRAVELING)

CARDIO
------------
10 MIN ELLIPTICAL
then my knee was bothering me so I switched to the treadmill
25 MIN TREADMILL (BRISK WALK)

STRETCH

Day 253...i gOttA sToP rOcKiNg...

So, I studied hard for the exam I took on Friday...at least I thought I did. After I turned in my test...I walked out having no idea how I did. I thought I would feel really good or really bad. I felt totally confused and unsure. I haven't stopped thinking about that freakin test since then. I told my husband that I was going to worry until I find out. Worrying...is something that I'm good at.

It's interesting how sometimes we hear something that would mean nothing to us at one point in our lives and means everything at another. Today in church, a man speaking said, "Worrying is like rocking in a rocking chair. It gives you something to do...but you get nowhere doing it." Whoa...the light bulb above my head appeared when I heard that. I decided that I will TRY to live and not spend every waking moment worrying about how I did or what will happen if I fail that dang test. It will be a challenge though. I will be satisfied with any grade above 70, but it would mean so much to me to have done well...to score high. I guess time will tell...but in the mean time...I gotta get out of the "rocking chair".

SUNDAY = REST DAY

Day 252...aLiEn...

So, I went to 24 hour fitness with my husband, because I've been sorta taking the week off and we woke up late. I was just gonna do cardio, so it seemed easier to use a guest pass and go together. Once again...I was like an alien...visiting a foreign planet.

I was showing my husband how to use the rowing machine...and then...we rowed. People stared because not many people use the rower. They'd rather take it easy on the elliptical or treadmill. If you pay close attention...MOST...not all...but most people avoid the hard stuff...so that's where I wanna be. Some hideous bee-yotch with a baseball cap strutted out of a room next to the rowers as soon as I got off. I was standing there waiting for my husband to come back from the water fountain. She looks me up and down and says...really rough..."You done here?!?". My reply..."It's all yours." My thought..."Quit lookin me up and down and do somethin with YOURSELF McScary!" Outwardly...a polite smile. I controlled myself and held back laughter as I watched her get on the rower...try to get her feet in there...hold the handle in the craziest upside down fashion ever...and begin to row with BENT arms. She flailed around for maybe 2 minutes and then got off and went back in the room she came from. I think it's safe to say she's never used that rower before. Why she had to be so nuts on me is a mystery. Me and other women don't mix at the gym.

After me and my husband got done doing 30 minutes on some weird elliptical type machine, I wanted to show my husband my kipping pull ups. I did about 5 or so and then hopped down to avoid ripped hands. About 3 teenage boys and several men were staring at me like I was from another planet...not a surprise...it IS unusual...so I wasn't offended...I'm use to it anyway. I wanted to start and end with a row so we went back over to the rowers. The Crossfit mainsite had a workout the other day that had rowing and crazy amounts of burpees. I wanted to try a tiny version out to see how hard it would be, so I did 250 meters and then stood next to the rower and did 10 burpees (with GOOD..LOW push ups in the middle and a high jump at the end). I planned on 4 rounds. It sucked. It was really hard and it was strange because guys (young and old) were flat out walking over there to gawk at me. I could tell they thought I was nuts...at least that's how it seemed to me. I thought I would pass out by the end of the tiny scaled version of that workout...but I felt like I had accomplished something.

Me and my husband stretched and gathered our stuff to leave. I was glad to leave...ready to go back to the "mothership" and get away from that strange planet...one that I am definitely NOT from.

WARMUP
------------
1000M ROW

CARDIO/WORKOUT
------------------------
30 MIN ELLIPTICAL (HILLS)

5-7 (?) KIPPING PULLUPS

250 M ROW
10 BURPEES
4 ROUNDS

STRETCH

Days 249...250...251...wHaT a ReLieF...kiNdA...

So, this week has been like running a never ending marathon. I've been so busy studying and being in class that I have not had time to post...so I'll get it all today.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
DAY 249-WEDNESDAY..."BLONDE MOMENTS"...

I got to class still feeling like a loser because of the 1 min push up test. We were filling out our forms when my friend, S sees what I'm writing down and says, "You didn't score poor on the push up test!". I said, "Yeah, I did. Look it's here on the chart!". She kindly pointed out the fact that I was looking at the chart for men. Woops...blonde moment! My other friend from class, D...laughed...it WAS funny.

After class I went to the gym and rode the recumbent bike for 45 minutes while I studied all my cards that I made from my study materials. I was feeling pretty good...like I was starting to "get" it. Then I decided to do back extensions, because...honestly...I can't remember the last time I did them...it's been MONTHS. Wow! That was a wake up call! I use to do 50 at a time on some workouts in my "pink book" without much trouble or pain. After 25 holding ONLY a 10 lb plate...I was in severe pain...I mean like wondering if I was injured pain. We talked about opposing muscle groups in class and our favorite teacher challenged us to practice and work whatever opposing groups we wanted. My knees are jacked up...so I thought...back and abs or "Erector Spinae and Rectus Abdominus"...anyways...being the stubborn mule that I am...I continued with AB work back and forth 3 times. One thing is for sure...my back needs some strengthening...I decided that I will work on that. Overall, I was tired..but it was a good day.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
DAY 250-THURSDAY..."I AM the devil"...

I feel like a bad influence. I love my little posse. We are such a strange bunch...but we're cute! hahaha j/k. One older guy that sits in front of S, keeps calling me and her "Thelma & Louise"...I cautioned him and reminded him of what happened to the guy following Thelma and Louise. We laughed!...an evil laugh... So anyway, Wednesday at about 4...I decided that my "sponge" AKA my brain was full...I was tired...and the last hour was going to be some lame review by my least favorite teacher...so I picked up my stuff and decided it would do me more good to leave, workout, and study on my own. It's hard to soak up water with a sponge that is full. S followed my lead and she left with me. The M&Ms acted like they wanted to, but didn't. D said, "Cmon...you aren't really leavin are you?" I said, "Yep. Cya manana." So when I got to class Thursday, I jokingly asked D, "So did I miss anything exciting when I left?!?" He smiled sheepishly and said, "As soon as you were gone...I left too." Wednesday afternoon, I was craving sweets so I bought Reeses PB cups. One of the Ms was like "I'm dying for candy." earlier that morning (Wednesday), so when I bought the Reeses...I ate one cup and gave her the other...she resisted, then thoroughly enjoyed it and thanked me. The other M was watching. So now we're back to TODAY...Thursday...After I got done talking to D, M (the one that eats "clean" and brought ALL her own meals...that NEVER eats candy) turned around, smiled and said, "I ate a Reeses last night in my hotel room. It was so good!".

So at this point, I'm feeling like I'm the devil..tempting these people to do "bad" stuff. We had fun that afternoon when we were supposed to be practicing lame resistance moves. Me and D helped S with muscle groups. He asked questions and I demonstrated...it's so fun being the "lovely assistant". It really helped S...I was glad. After class, I did not get to workout because I got caught in traffic and then went to dinner with my mom and dad. After, I tanned...showered...and studied...AGAIN. I went to bed at 11 because I figured that I have studied A LOT...I know the muscles and all the formulas and the "numbers" for blood pressure, cholesterol, and triglycerides. I just thought good sleep and a clear mind would do me more good.

---------------------------------------------------------------------
DAY 251..."What a relief...kinda...

I got up...went to school...and took my test. I felt confident. I wasn't near as nervous as I thought I would be, because I put the work in. It was awful! There were maybe 2 questions that required formulas and they both used the same one. There were MAYBE 5 or 6 anatomy questions and maybe 5 physiology questions. All the rest was goofy, subjective crap that was foreign and tricky. I was so mad. When I got done, I went outside and sat on the stairs for a couple of minutes...trying to relax and come down from that crap. After a few minutes, D came out with a crazy smile and said, "That wasn't what we thought it would be...was it?!?" I immediately went in to..."I failed...yada yada yada"...he assured me that I was fine and wasn't use to taking tests. I smiled...told him that it was so nice to meet him and get to know him...he told me that he was checkin out Crossfit and that he enjoyed hangin out in class...and we left.

I cried. I just want to pass. I NEVER studied in college. I put forth NO effort. It was easy to accept failure or low grades because I knew it was a bi product of my laziness. This time...I worked hard and I feel...cheated. I'm relieved that the test is over, but...now I gotta WAIT for the results...I'm gonna be on pins and needles.

NO WORKOUT TODAY

I gotta get back on track in the worst way!!!

Day 248...wEakLiNg...

I hate to admit it...but I'm actually having a lot of fun at the Cooper Institute. I've made some friends and I'm learning a lot. My favorite new friend was freaking me out today. He looks and acts like my good friend, W. It's almost scary. His build is almost identical. He looks like W, when I first met him. We laid in the floor and laughed during our "Flexibility" section today. We were dying because we are so inflexible. He even got me to do something I didn't want to do...without much resistance...yet another "W like" quality. He got me to try hummus. It wasn't too bad. I'd like to try another flavor...he said to try garlic. Anyways...I'm actually going to miss my new friends, D and S and the 2 Ms when this week ends...we've had fun so far.

So, everything is going really well at school..at least it was until late this afternoon when we started doing the assessments. I knew I would suck at the "sit and reach" test because I'm inflexible...so that did not bother me...but I figured I'd do well on pushups and situps. Me and my girl friends in class were pretty close with situps, because they take longer to do than a pushup...especially the "old school" way thy make you do them. Pushups...I was so shocked by. Okay...so here's the lowdown on my "girls". S sits next to me. She's a dietician...very bubbly and easy to talk to...she's thin, but not "tight" or muscular...she's 45 yrs old and very much looks her age. Then there's the 2 Ms...the first M is a trainer...37...pretty...very good shape but not especially muscular...eats really "clean" and never stops whining...about being cold or hungry or tired or bored. She's kinda annoying but she's also likeable. The other M is a late twenties single mom...she's a tiny, skinny, mousy little thing...not strong looking AT ALL...she's scared to death of failing the test on Friday...but overall she's really nice. So, I'm thinkin...push up test?...NO PROBLEMA! I'm gonna blow these girls away. Then...they ALL did more than me...by quite a bit. I only did 23 in a minute!!!

I went to the gym on my way home and I tried to do bicep curls with a 40 lb bar...something I've done fairly easily before. I could only do 10. I tried to workout, but I was so discouraged, that I just left. Now, I feel SO weak. When I look I the mirror...I see fat. I'm just shocked. What is going on with me? I used to be strong. I used to win. Now...I feel like a weakling.

Day 247...I survived...

Well, today wasn't near as bad as I thought it would be. I was so scared to go to this Personal Training Course. I was sure that I would be the oldest...and that I wouldn't be in "good enough" shape...and that I would be the only person that was nervous and unsure. Not so. I met some nice people. I wasn't alone in my fears...I wasn't the oldest...and I looked pretty darn good compared to a lot of the women there. It was a little scary having to lift up my shirt and let men and women measure my waist...and then return the favor. Yikes. I wish MY abs looked like this pic!

J asked me to take the week off and avoid lifting weights. I thought it would drive me nuts, but the fact is...I'm so short on time that it was all I could do to fit cardio in. It was a long day and I'm really tired, but I'm glad that I faced my fears and went to class.

CARDIO
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1 HR WALK ON TREADMILL

Day 246...sCaReDy cAt...

I am the worst "scaredy cat" of all time! I'm afraid of big spiders...snakes...and mice! Once a mouse got in my house...and when one of my kids cried out for help....yelling "Help Mom! There's a mouse!"...I did not run to help or comfort them in the kitchen where they were perched on chairs...I ran outside to the front yard to get my brother that was there doing some painting. My protective motherly instinct just clicked off and I left my kids on chairs screaming while I fled to the front yard. I'm scared of the dark and I hate scary movies. I'm scared that I will die before my kids are grown. I'm always scared that I will get hurt trying new things with such an awkward, inflexible body...things like handstands. Everyone has fears...I just seem to have more than my fair share!

Most of my day to day fears don't revolve around spiders or the "boogeyman" coming to get me in the dark. They are more of the "fear of rejection" or "fear of failure" variety fears. Because of that, I like to stick to a routine. I do the same thing...over and over and over. I still struggle, but I'm better than I used to be. I owe that to working out...and to the people that have molded me and taught me. Working hard in the gym has given me a confidence that I have not been able to find elsewhere. Moving past self imposed limits has given me the courage to keep going when I want to stop. Learning to "live in the pain" and realizing that I WILL be okay after an especially hard workout has been a lesson that has been life changing.

I'm going to school this week...to a course in how the be a Personal Trainer...and I'm taking the test for the certification on Friday. It's been 17 years since I've been in a classroom. I'm not sure that scared really illustrates the way I feel. It seems like such a simple description for such an overwhelming...complicated feeling. I'll probably be older than most of the people there. I worry that I won't be smart enough...that I won't understand what it is I am learning. I worry that when I go to take the test at the end of the week...that I will draw a blank...and fail. I don't want to let everyone down that thinks I can do this.

I've tried to think of any excuse to stay home and avoid going, but in the end...I know that I have to go. It's scary and nerve racking and inconvenient...but if I can give ONE person the knowledge and confidence that I have been given through working out and changing my body...it will be worth it.

SUNDAY = REST DAY

Day 245..i nEEd a nEw sEt Of kNeeS...

I'm all jacked up...mentally and physically. My knees are killin me! After a client got done learning some foundational CF movements and lifts, and left the gym...it was my turn to workout with J. I wanted to hit it hard...for hours...like I always like to do on Saturdays...but my knees just wouldn't allow it...neither would J. I did a quick workout, but it was hard and fun. Now I'm typing this with BioFreeze on both my knees. Good golly I'm gettin old!

WARMUP
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SQUAT PRACTICE W/ PVC AGAINST A POLE
STRETCHES

WORKOUT
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RUN 800M
50 KB SWINGS (35LBS)
ROW 500M
SIDEWAYS DB WALK WITH A RENEGADE ROW (TRAVEL SIDEWAYS IN PUSHUP POSITION WITH EACH HAND HOLDING A 15 LB DUMB BELL ACROSS SHORT END OF PARKING LOT-EACH HAND AND FOOT ON THE SAME SIDE, MOVE AT THE SAME TIME. AFTER EACH HAND AND FOOT MOVE, EACH ARM DOES A RENEGADE ROW-PROBABLY 20 TOTAL?-DIDN'T THINK TO COUNT)

TIME=15 somethin???

STRETCH

NO CARDIO...YET

Day 244...wHaT tHe #@&* !?!...

Yesterday, I rested. I mean..really rested. I didn't workout...not even cardio...and I didn't walk the mall for hours. I went to bed early the past two nights...now I don't know why I bothered. I was supposed to go in and lift a series of weights to find my "Crossfit Total". I wanted to lift heavy...but from the moment I did my first practice squats with the bar...I worried that I was in trouble.

I was weak. I couldn't back squat any more than 135 lbs. I KNOW I'm stronger than that! Finally, we decided that this wasn't the day to do this. J said, "Maybe we should just abort this.." I willingly agreed...but I was frustrated. Then...when we tried some other "skills" practice...the weakness continued. I felt like I was having an out of body experience...like this is not me...like I'm Rocky in Rocky 3 when Apollo is trying to help him find "the eye of the tiger" again...when they are sparing in the ring and Apollo yells at him. J didn't yell at me...he didn't need to...I took care of it internally.

Finally I rowed 5,000 m so that I would feel like I'd done something of worth today in the gym...but even that was a poor effort. I could barely keep going. I hate that. I always feel like my body is betraying me when I can't keep going.

I thought...I was good...strong. I thought...that I could do anything I want to in the gym...if I keep pushing. Today...I was afraid...I AM afraid. What if I've lost what it takes?...

....................THIS IS WHAT I'M TALKIN ABOUT.......................